Last Update 27 May 2008

Examples from the Book Series of Laughter and Thought

 

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Passion can never purchase what true love desires:
true intimacy, self-giving, and commitment.

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An Aesopian fable

The Elephant and the Curious Youngster

The curious youngster, knowing well of the elephant’s fabulous memory, approached the elephant and asked, “Please, Mr. Elephant, will you tell me where babies come from?” So the elephant invited the youngster to sit on his trunk and then told the boy the whole story and in great detail. The boy’s curiosity had flourished, and not satisfied with the answer, he kicked the elephant in the shin. “Is that what my mom and dad did?” the boy demanded to know. “Son, even an elephant can no longer rely on his memory when he becomes a septuagenarian,” responded the elephant truthfully and the boy’s undiplomatic demand failed to deliver the truth he had sought.

Don’t rely on the truth to become graspable just because it exists.

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The only fence against the world
is a thorough knowledge of it.
John Locke (1632–1704)
English philosopher and political theorist
Considered the ideological progenitor of the American Revolution
and who, by far, was the most often non-biblical writer quoted
by the Founding Fathers of the USA.

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Random Funny Thoughts

	I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
	I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
	I thought about how American mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Japanese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
	Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write ‘A Good Doctor.’
	If you jogged backward, would you gain weight?
	Wonder what you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
	I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, “Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from.”
	Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to these men? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
	I thought about being rich and it don’t mean so much. Just look at Henry Ford, all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac.

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When even one American — who has done nothing wrong —
is forced by fear to shut his mind and close his mouth,
then all Americans are in peril.
Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
33rd US President

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HOW! With Apologies to our Native American readers

An attractive blonde, Kitty McNeil was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.

"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

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People only see what they are prepared to see.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
American essayist and poet

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The mule stumper

A Missouri farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth.

The three sons, recognizing the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue.

Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18.

The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equaled 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, took his mule and headed home.

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The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.
Elie Wiesel (1928-)
Writer, Nobel Peace Prize winner 1986

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Advice for living a long time

Peter went to Dr. Thomas and said, “Doc, I would like to live for a long time. Do you have any advice?”

“Well, now. I commend you for your wise decision,” Dr. Thomas replied heartily. “Let’s see here. Do you smoke?”

“Oh, maybe a half a pack a day.”

“Starting now, no more smoking.”

Peter agreed.

Dr. Thomas then asked, “Do you drink?”

“Oh, well now, Doc, not much — just a bit of wine with some meals and a beer or two once in a while.”

“Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions.”

Peter was a bit upset by now, but he nonetheless agreed.

“Do you have sex?” the doctor asks.

“Yeah, once a week or so — but only with my wife!” he added hurriedly.

“As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None.”

Peter was appalled. “Doc, this is nuts. I guess I can understand the diet and the drinking and all that, but jeez — no more sex? Are you sure I’m going to live longer this way?”

“I have no idea, but however long you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!”

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Inner Voice means to never utter a wrong word,
never to think a wrong thought and
never wish a wrong wish.

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The Buffalo Theory

(In one episode of ‘Cheers’. Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better that this.)

“Well, you see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

It all makes sense now.

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There are two kinds of people:
those who do the work, and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.
Indira Gandhi (1917-1984)
Indian political leader

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Chivalrous Act

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right."

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Those who cast the votes decide nothing.
Those who count the votes decide everything.
Josef Stalin (1879-1953)
Communist leader of the Soviet Union

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Using Good Grammar

Al is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.

So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. 

The medicine man says, “I can cure this.” That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. 

Then he says, “This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say ‘123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!” 

Al asks, “What happens when it’s over, and I don’t want to continue?” 

The medicine man replies: “All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year.”

Al rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Donna. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, “123.”

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine man had promised.

Donna, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, “What did you say 123 for?”

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition.

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Tell me and I’ll forget. Show me and I may not remember.
Involve me and I’ll understand.
Native American Proverb

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Laws to Live By

	Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
	Law of the Workshop Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
	Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
	Law of the Telephone If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
	Law of the Alibi If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
	Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
	Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
	Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
	Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
	Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
	Law of the Theater At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
	Law of Coffee As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
	Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
	Law of Rugs/Carpets The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
	Law of Location No matter where you go, there you are.
	Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
	Brown's Law If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

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Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person
is essential to your own.

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Why can’t life’s problems hit us when we’re seventeen and know everything?

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A Philosophy On Life

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?

A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old-age home.
You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.

You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating … you finish off as an orgasm.

It’s perfect!

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Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it’s not the end.

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Human felicity is produced not so much by great pieces
of good fortunes that seldom happen,
as by little advantages that occur every day.
Benjamin Franklin
(1706-1790)
American statesman, scientist, and philosopher

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The tongue is the heart’s pen and the mind’s messenger.

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If you want happiness

	If you want happiness for an hour — take a nap.
	If you want happiness for a day — go fishing.
	If you want happiness for a month — get married.
	If you want happiness for a year — inherit a fortune.
	If you want happiness for a lifetime — help others.

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You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
American essayist and poet

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I do the very best I know how, the very best I can;
and I mean to keep on doing so to the end.
If the end brings me out all right, what is said against me will not amount to anything.
If the end brings me out all wrong,
ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference.
Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
16th United States president

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The highest result of education is tolerance.
Helen Keller (1880-1968)
American author and lecturer

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Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life.
Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.
Cullen Hightower

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This is certain, that a man that studieth revenge keeps his wounds green,
which otherwise would heal and do well.
Francis Bacon (1561-1626)
English philosopher and author

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God, grant me the
Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can and
Wisdom to know the difference.

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Words of Wisdom

 Instructions for life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama.

	Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
	When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
	Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.
	Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
	Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
	Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
	When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
	Spend some time alone every day.
	Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
	Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
	Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
	A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
	In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
	Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
	Be gentle with the earth.
	Once a year, go some place you’ve never been before.
	Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
	Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
	Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

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Treat people as if they were what they ought to be
and you help them to become what they are capable of being.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
German poet

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Thank You for this Food

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited … and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

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Heaven has no rage, like love to hatred turned,
Nor hell a fury, like a woman scorned.
William Congreve (1670-1729)
English playwright

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Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

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Life is mostly froth and bubble;
Two things stand like stone:
Kindness in another's trouble,
Courage in our own.
Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-1870)
Australian poet

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Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.’”

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Don’t measure a man’s success by how high he climbs
but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.
George S. Patton (1885-1945)
American army general

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The Interview With God

Friends oftentimes pass on tips to visit this website or that because "it's interesting" or "has good information," say say.

There's one website that has been recommended several times, and I am grateful because it has so much meaning for those who seek a lifestyle filled with peace of mind.

Don't let the "Believe in God" issue hold you back. You will know what I mean once you have visited www.theinterviewwithgod.com/presentation.html.

If you wish to read and print a copy of The Interview With God, please click here.

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't take any unless the light bulb changes itself.

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Wit and Wisdom

	Never be afraid to try something new. Remember! Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
	Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
	Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
	Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
	Age doesn't always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone.
	Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
	If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

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The Institution Called Marriage

In 1882 the US Congress adopted the Edmunds Act, outlawing polygamy.
It seems silly; there are so few women who can afford more than one husband it hardly seems worth legislating.

Here are a few observations regarding the institution of marriage.

 There’s only one way to have a happy marriage
and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.
Clinton Eastwood, Jr.

 Courtship brings out the best. Marriage brings out the rest.
Cullen Hightower

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you;
after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
Helen Rowland (1876–1950)

There is a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It’s called marriage.
James Holt McGavran

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance.
There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx (1890-1977)

Both marriage and death ought to be welcome:
the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.
Mae West (1892-1980)

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Only in America

	Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
	Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
	Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
	Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
	Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
	Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
	Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
	Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
	Only in America do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well. ‘Poli’ in Latin means ‘many’ and ‘tics’ means ‘bloodsucking creatures.’
	Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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Ever Wonder?

	Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
	Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?
	Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”
	Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
	Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice?”
	Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start?”
	Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
	Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
	Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
	Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
	When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
	Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
	Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
	You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
	Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
	Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
	If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
	If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
	Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). In other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

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Andy Rooney About Women Over 40

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

      An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think. If an older woman doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it’s usually something more interesting.

      An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

      Older women are dignified. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

      Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

      An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. An older woman couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.

      Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido is stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she’s lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her younger nieces and cousins could never dream of.

      Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it is not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

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Audrey Hepburn Beauty Tips

	For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
	For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
	For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
	For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
	For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
	People, even more than things, have to be restored, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
	Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find them at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
	The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
	The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.
	The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

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It's easier to swoon in pious dreams
Than do good actions.
Gotthold Ephraim Lessing (1729-1781)
German playwright
Nathan der Weise

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What shall we live by? Click HERE for the Golden Rule of life.

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Charter of the United Nations

We, the peoples of the United Nations

Determined to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and

To reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal right of men and women and of nations large and small, and … for these ends

To practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbors, and
To unite our strength to maintain international peace and security …

Have resolved to combine our efforts to accomplish these aims.

Charter of the United Nations (June 1945), Preamble

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“Love Is” By Children

 A group of professional people posed this question to a group of four- to eight-year-olds, “What does love mean?”
The answers were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
See what you think.

 ©     “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca — age 8

 ©     “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy — age 4

©     “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl — age 5

©     “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy — age 6

©     “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri — age 4

©     “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”
Danny — age 7

©     “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.”
Emily — age 8

©     “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby — age 7

©     “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”
Nikka — age 6

©     “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle — age 7

©     “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
“Tommy — age 6

©     “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy — age 8

©     “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare — age 6

©     “Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine — age 6

©     “Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris — age 7

©     “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann — age 4

©     “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren — age 4

©     “I let my big sister pick on me because my mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.”
Bethany — age 4

©     “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”
Karen — age 7

©     “Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”
Mark — age 6

©     “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica – age 7

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The measure of love is to love without measure.
St. Francis de Sales (1567-1622)
Bishop of Geneva

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“Please leave before he pulls the trigger, or worse, calls his lawyer.”

The wife sends hubby grocery shopping. Standing at the check-out, the proverbial question confronts the helpful husband: “Paper or plastic?”
“Can I pay with cash?” the first-time supermarket patron offers.

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Question: How many Floridians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: We probably can give you a firm number within a month.

A dedicated doctor coming to the rescue of a patient.

Sports commentator comments

Here are comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back (and we are NOT fibbing):

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Ted Walsh — Horse Racing Commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: “The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.”

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing — but none of them really that serious.”

6. Baseball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

7. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

8. At a trophy ceremony, BBC TV Boat Race 1988: “Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew.”

9. Metro Radio, College Football: “Juian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.”

10. US Open TV Commentator: “One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?”

“He’s a doctor. But you don’t have to worry, we are safe.
He can tell we won’t call a lawyer.”

If you get all the facts, your judgment can be right;
if you don't get all the facts, it can't be right.
Bernard Baruch (1870-1965)
American economist

g c

Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect,
it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.

g c

A Short Course in Human Relations
The six most important words:
I admit that I was wrong.
The five most important words:
You did a great job.
The four most important words:
What do you think?
The three most important words:
Could you please ...
The two most important words:
Thank you.
The most important word:
We.
The least important word:
I.

g c

It's amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.
Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)

g c

Life makes two tapes of every event: pain and meaning.
What you hear depends on which tape you choose to play.

g c

Two wrongs don't make a right,
but two Wrights made an airplane.
Unknown

g c

DID is a word of achievement.
WON'T is a word of retreat.
MIGHT is a word of bereavement.
CAN'T is a word of defeat.
OUGHT is a word of duty.
TRY is a word of each hour.
WILL is a word of beauty.
CAN is a word of power.

“Look, let’s just not tell anyone that our son has decided to become a lawyer.”

Mr. Bell, after careful consideration of your invention, while it is a very interesting novelty, we have come to the conclusion that it has no commercial possibilities.
J.P. Morgan (1837-1913) to Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922)

g c

Dreams do not die a natural death.
They are destroyed by a lack of attention and nourishment.

g c

Three Key Cs:
Courage    Character     Conscience

g c

Knowledge is knowing the fact that fire will burn.
Wisdom is remembering the blister.

g c

I don't think
you can make a lawyer honest
by an act of legislation.
You've got to work
on his conscience.
And his lack of conscience
is what makes him a lawyer.
Will Rogers (1879-1935)
American actor and humorist

g c

For every minute you are angry
you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

g c

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
Mark Twain (1835-1910)

g c

If there really was such a thing as a cheap politician,
our taxes wouldn't be so high.

g c

The function of the press is very high. It is almost holy.
It ought to serve as a forum for the people, through which the people may know freely what is going on.
To misstate or suppress the news is a breach of trust.
Louis Dembitz Brandeis (1856-1941)

g c

The trouble with the school of experience is there are no vacations.

g c

If there were no bad people there would be no good lawyers.
Charles Dickens (1812-1870)
English novelist

g c

Brainstorm: That's when you have an idea that's all wet.

g c

Ingenious — showing or calling for intelligence. Clever. Ingenuity.
Ingenuous — showing innocent or childlike simplicity.

g c

Pleasure is more powerful than all fear of the penalty.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)

g c

It is impossible to live pleasurably without living wisely, well, and justly, and impossible to live wisely, well, and justly without living pleasurably.
Epicurus (341-270 B.C.)
Greek philosopher

g c

On Making Money:
Don't concentrate on making a lot of money,
but rather on becoming the type of person who people want to do business with, and you will most likely make a lot of money.

g c

Confucius says, "Attend to the business at hand and be straight forward about it. Use money to serve the purpose
without losing sight of the people."
Confucius (551-479 B.C.)

g c

The hardest part about putting something away for a rainy day
is finding a clear day to do it.

g c

If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), 3rd United States president

g c

If you want to be a truly successful in giving service, remember three key Es:
                        1. increase your expertise on your subject;
                        2. be eager to share your knowledge; and
                        3. generate excitement by the manner in which
                            you present yourself and the subject.

g c

Give the individual full consideration, spend a lot of time making customers happy,
go the last mile to do a thing right.
Thomas J. Watson Jr. (1914-), IBM chairman, retired

g c

       Egotists believe in an I for an I.

g c

         A Senator passed a colleague on the floor and noticed he was completing a jigsaw puzzle: "That's pretty good. How long did it take you?"
        "Two weeks."
        "Isn't that pretty fast?"
        "Sure is … The box says 2-4 years."

g c

Our judges are as honest as other men, and not more so.
They have, with others, the same passions for party, for power,
and the privilege of their corps.
Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), 3rd United States president

g c

They say money talks — but usually it just goes without saying.

g c

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost (1874-1963), Poet

g c

If all you see in another is the physical appearance, you will never know who you met.

g c

IT IS THOUGHT-PROVOKING
The size of the lie is a definite factor in causing it to be believed, for the vast masses of a nation are in the depths of their hearts more easily deceived than they are consciously and intentionally bad. The primitive simplicity of their minds renders them a more easy prey to a big lie than a small one, for they themselves often tell little lies but would be ashamed to tell big ones. ...
Through clever and constant application of propaganda, people can be made to see paradise as hell, and also the other way around, to consider the most wretched sort of life as paradise.
Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)
Mein Kampf. British Foreign Policy Association translation, 1935

g c

What's the safest way of doubling your money?
Fold it once and put it in your pocket.

g c

Love: being totally vulnerable with someone you totally trust.

g c

Love is always a stranger in the house of avarice.
Andreas Capellanus (12th century)
French writer

g c

Love, work, and knowledge are the wellsprings of our lives,
they should also govern it.
Wilhelm Reich (1897-1957)
Austrian psychoanalyst

g c

Modern Aphorisms

	Quantum Mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.