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Dear Reader

Within these pages I shall spare you tons of overwhelming evidence embedded in real life situations. But to get your attention, I’ll give you cause to think about what others think and say about life’s ups and downs. I’ll give you cause for chuckles here and there — lots of them.

Humor can be risky, especially the religious or political kind. Hopefully, by laughing at yourself and others, the subject becomes more approachable and leads to better understanding of what life — and tolerance — are all about.

Let me give you an example that speaks for what I had in mind when I began collecting the material you’re about to read. As I began reading “Polish Divorce” (it had just arrived via email), and was absorbing the message delivered over the Internet, I was already scratching my head asking myself what ethnicity I could invent to replace “Pole” with a more neutral descriptor, so as not to offend anyone. However, the punch line at the end made me conclude that doing so would take away the charm of the story. Nobody ever heard of “Petican Remover.” So I abandoned my thought of having this poor man come from Petica.

You do not need to feel embarrassed; please go ahead and laugh. I and others who have gone through the wringer oftentimes kept our sanity because — above all — we kept our wits.

That which you will chuckle over, that which gives you reason to think, or which will make you blush in embarrassment, let us be reminded, is folklore and lore. It’s what the people throughout the land think and pass along. These stories and messages have their roots in the real world.

Don’t forget, as you turn the following pages, it’s the likes of you, your friends and strangers who share their thoughts with you … people like you and me who gave birth to the feisty anecdotes, wild stories, funny sayings, jokes, and thought-provoking messages that fill these pages.

My appreciation goes to those who passed along a great number of the chuckles and thoughts I share with you here. Thank you.

I cannot turn my back on ignorance and must return to the arduous and prodigious “tolerance” — it means so much to me. I wish everyone would think of it as a principle to live by because it’s a solid platform for peace of mind living based on the Golden Rule.

Gotthold Ephraim Lessing, the eighteenth century Germany dramatist and critic focused on the subject and published his thoughts and commitments on tolerance with the “Ring Fable” in Nathan the Wise, his thought-provoking dramatic poem and one of the most admirable documents of eighteenth-century thought. (You will find the parable in Act III, Scene 7.)

I always find it intriguing when I hear talk about race.

Individuals with high melanin counts in the skin are part of an advanced species who are protected against skin cancer and aging appearance. Yet, the majority of the inferior species address that quality as a put-down.

When I’m told that I am “white,” I put my hand against my white shirt and ask if the two are the same color. When the response is that they are not, I say, “Well, I guess that proves that you are colorblind.”

The notion that all individuals of a quality such as high or low melanin count, low sugar, high blood pressure, high carotene count, red hair, or green eyes are all part of the same group, all with the same emotional or intellectual realities is simply only uttered by superficial and shoe-sized IQ dorks. We should feel sorry for, rather than angry, at these pathetic dorks who are empathy-challenged and intellectually-challenged in every area of their life.

It goes without saying that, although I titled this “racism,” we are also talking about appearanceism, beardism, faceism, fanaticism, fatism, heightism, languageism, pacifism, prejudism, sciolism, sensualism, shapeism, skinnyism, voiceism, etc. Oops, I forgot sexism.
Immense gratitude goes to my grandchildren Devin, Megan, Alexander, Dustin, Richard, and Charles because without them I may have substituted writing this book with playing tennis or watching the moon over the Magic City.

Miami, Florida                                      HD

The things I want to know are in books;
my best friend is the man
who’ll get me a book I ain’t read.
Abraham Lincoln
(1809-1865)
16th United States president

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine “Sex.” He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!”

Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, “You don’t need a special room.

As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.”

I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny — I have the same problem.”

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

“You don’t understand,” I said. “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.”
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me, too.”

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

A Dog’s Inquiry

Dear God, when we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride. I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle.

Dear God, if a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God, more meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God, when we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, we dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can’t make up our minds what not to order? Or is it the carpet thing again?

A Few Puns

● A backward poet writes inverse.

● A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

● A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

● A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

● A good pun is its own reword.

● A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

● A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

● A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

● A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

● A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

● A plateau is a high form of flattery.

● Acupuncture is a jab well done.

● Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

● Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

● Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.

● Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

● Every calendar’s days are numbered.

● He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

● He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

● If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

● In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

● Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

● Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeet.

● Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

● Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

● Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

● Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

● Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

● She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

● Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

● Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A flat minor.

● The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

● The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

● Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

● Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

● Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

● What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

● When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

● When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

● When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

● With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

● You feel stuck with your debt if it won’t budge.

● Question: How many Floridians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: We probably can give you a firm number within a month.

A Friend Who’s Always There

If I could catch a rainbow

I would do it just for you

And share with you its beauty

On the days you’re feeling blue.

If I could build a mountain

You could call your very own

A place to find serenity

A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles

I would toss them in the sea

But all these things I’m finding

Are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain

Or catch a rainbow fair

But let me be what I know best

A friend who’s always there.

A Fruitful Confession

Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest, “Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery.”
The priest says, “Was it with Brigitte O’Hara?”

Paddy says, “I’m sorry Father, but I can’t tell you who it was with.”

So the priest says, “I’ll bet it was with Mary O’Houlihan, the hussy!”

Paddy says, “I’m sorry Father, but I really can’t tell you who it was.”

The priest says, “Was it that Rose O’Connell?”
And Paddy responds, “I’ve told you already Father, I can’t reveal who it was.”

So the priest says, “You’re a wicked man Paddy O’Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don’t let me hear that you’ve transgressed again!”

As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says, “Paddy! How are you doin’? Is it the church you’ll be coming from?”

And Paddy says, “Aye Seamus, I’ve just been to confession.”
“How was it?”

Paddy says, “Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads.”

A Funny Blonde Joke

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, “Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?”

The big woman replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6 feet 2, weighs 220 pounds, and she’s an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who’s 6 feet 5, weighs 250 pounds, and she’s a professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”

The guy thinks about it a second and says, “No, not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”

A Good Poker Player

Two couples were playing cards one evening.

John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife’s legs were wide apart and she wasn’t wearing any underwear. Shocked, John hit his head on the table when he got up.

He went to the kitchen to get some ice and Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see
anything you liked under there?” Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that he did.

She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”
John thought quickly. He was interested.

She said that since her husband worked Friday afternoons John should be at her house about 2 pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around John showed up at the planned time and gave her the $500.

They went to the bedroom and completed their sexual transaction. Then John dressed quickly and left.

Bill came home from work that afternoon and asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”

With a lump in her throat, Bill’s wife answered, “Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband asked, “And did he give you $500?”

Terrified, she replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying “Good! I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

NOW THAT’S A POKER PLAYER!

A Jewish Parrot

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can’t see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

She wrote to the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is so rude.”

She wrote to the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken soup was delicious.”

Little Kiss

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature

looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence. Following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that a woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”

A Little List Of “Doc-Isms”
What Doctors Say,
And What They’re Really Thinking

● “This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

● “Welllllll, what have we here …?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

● “Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

● “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
— or —
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

● “We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy a new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

● “Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

● “Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.

● “I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

● “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

● “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

● “That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

● “This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

● “Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

● “This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

● “Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

● “I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

● “Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier than an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me.

● “There is a lot of that going around.”
That’s the third one this week! I’d better learn something about this.

● “If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.

A Man And His Dog

A man was watering his lawn one day when he looked and coming up the street were two hearses followed by a man, his dog, and a single file of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on.

The guy said, “That’s my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died.”

The guy watering the lawn said, “I’m sorry to hear that. What about the second hearse?”

The other guy said, “Well, that’s my mother-in-law; my dog also bit her and she died.”

The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, “Can I borrow your dog?”

The guy with the dog responds, “Back of the line!”

A Meeting With The Board

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.

“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.

“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

A Modern Tinkle

In England, the phrase “spend a penny” means to go to the bathroom for a tinkle. It comes from the days of public bathrooms when it was necessary to put a penny in a machine in the bathroom door to gain access.

Thus, in order to meet the conditions for joining the single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a penny” is not to be used after the 31st day of December 2001.

From this date on, the correct terminology will be “Euronating.”

A Most Desirable Hotel Guest

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

A Must For The Refrigerator Door

We should put this list on the refrigerator door and look at it closely until we have it memorized.

● The most destructive habit: Worry

● The greatest joy: Giving

● The greatest loss: Loss of self-respect

● The most satisfying work: Helping others

● The ugliest personality trait: Selfishness

● The most endangered species: Dedicated leaders

● Our greatest natural resource: Our youth

● The greatest “shot in the arm”: Encouragement

● The greatest problem to overcome: Fear

● The most effective sleeping pill: Peace of mind

● The most crippling cause of failure: Excuses

● The most powerful force in life: Love

● The most dangerous pariah: A gossiper

● The world’s most incredible computer: The brain

● The worst thing to be without: Hope

● The deadliest weapon: The tongue

● The two most powerful words: “I can”

● The greatest asset: Faith

● The most worthless emotion: Self-pity

● The most beautiful attire: A smile

● The most prized possession: Integrity

● The most powerful communication channel: Prayer

● The most contagious spirit: Enthusiasm

A Play On Words

● Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

● Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

● A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

● Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

● A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.”

● There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

● A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she also wants to have a photo of Amal. Her husband responded, “But they are twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

● These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A Prayer For Dinner Parties

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.

The child bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

A Priest And A Rabbi
Were On A Plane

A priest and a rabbi were traveling on a plane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted pork.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading.

After a while the rabbi asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, “A lot better than pork, isn’t it?”

A Rabbi And A Priest Buy A Car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

A Real Friend

● A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

● A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

● A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

● A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks why you took so long to call.

● A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your
problems.

● A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

● A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

● A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.

● A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you.

A Taxi Driver And A Priest Die

A priest and taxi driver die on the same day.

St. Peter, who is standing at Heaven’s gate, allows the taxi driver to proceed on to one of the highest levels of heaven but the priest has to wait.

He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks, “Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?”

St. Peter replies, “When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed.”

A Thought To Share

May you have enough happiness

to make you sweet,

enough trials to make you strong,

enough sorrow to keep you human,

enough hope to make you happy!

A Wish Granted

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, and then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand and boom!

He was 90.

About Women Over 40

Andy Rooney wisdom: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

 

● An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think. If an older woman doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it’s usually something more interesting.

● An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

● Older women are dignified. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

● Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

● An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. An older woman couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.

● Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido is stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she’s lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her younger nieces and cousins could never dream of.

● Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

 

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it is not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

Actual Newspaper Classifieds

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.

 

● Illiterate? Write today for free help.

● Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.

● Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

● Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of
children.

● Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

● Stock up and save. Limit: one.

● Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

● 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

● Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

● Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

● Dinner Special. Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

● For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

● Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

● For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

● Great Dames for sale.

● Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

● Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

● Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

● Man, honest. Will take anything.

● Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

● Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

● Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

● Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

● Our bikinis are exciting. They’re simply tops.

● Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

● And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

● We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

Advice To Live By

● Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

● Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

● Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

● When you say, “I love you,” mean it.
When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye.

● Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

● Believe in love at first sight.

● Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

● Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to love life completely.

● In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.

● Don’t judge people by their relatives.

● Talk slowly but think quickly.

● When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”

● Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

● Say, “Bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.

● When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

● Remember the three R’s:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

● Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

● When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

● Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

● Spend some time alone.

Air Force General Takes Action

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force general is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the general slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

All About The Woman

FACTS ON FIGURES

● There are three billion women who don’t look like supermodels and only eight who do.

● Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.

● If Barbie were a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

● The average woman weighs 144 lb. and wears between size 12 and 14.

● One out of every four college-aged women has an eating disorder.

● The models in the magazines are airbrushed — not perfect!

● A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.

● Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less.

 

THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,

Because that is the doorway to her heart,

The place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,

But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives,

The passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman

With passing years only grows.

 

IT’S THE PUNCTUATION THAT COUNTS

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

 

THE IMAGES OF MOTHER

● 4 years of age: My mommy can do anything.

● 8 years of age: My mom knows a lot. A whole lot.

● 12 years of age: My mother doesn’t really know quite everything.

● 14 years of age: Naturally, mother doesn’t know that either.

● 16 years of age: Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.

● 18 years of age: That old woman? She’s way out of date.

● 25 years of age: Well, she might know a little bit about it.

● 35 years of age: Before we decide, let’s get mom’s opinion.

● 45 years of age: Wonder what mom would have thought about it?

● 65 years of age: Wish I could talk it over with mom.

All Too Familiar

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD — Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I get my checkbook and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the den, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye; they need to be watered.

I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but no one will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m