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Dear Reader

Within these pages I shall spare you tons of overwhelming evidence embedded in real life situations. But to get your attention, I’ll give you cause to think about what others think and say about life’s ups and downs. I’ll give you cause for chuckles here and there — lots of them.

Humor can be risky, especially the religious or political kind. Hopefully, by laughing at yourself and others, the subject becomes more approachable and leads to better understanding of what life — and tolerance — are all about.

Let me give you an example that speaks for what I had in mind when I began collecting the material you’re about to read. As I began reading “Polish Divorce” (it had just arrived via email), and was absorbing the message delivered over the Internet, I was already scratching my head asking myself what ethnicity I could invent to replace “Pole” with a more neutral descriptor, so as not to offend anyone. However, the punch line at the end made me conclude that doing so would take away the charm of the story. Nobody ever heard of “Petican Remover.” So I abandoned my thought of having this poor man come from Petica.

You do not need to feel embarrassed; please go ahead and laugh. I and others who have gone through the wringer oftentimes kept our sanity because — above all — we kept our wits.

That which you will chuckle over, that which gives you reason to think, or which will make you blush in embarrassment, let us be reminded, is folklore and lore. It’s what the people throughout the land think and pass along. These stories and messages have their roots in the real world.

Don’t forget, as you turn the following pages, it’s the likes of you, your friends and strangers who share their thoughts with you … people like you and me who gave birth to the feisty anecdotes, wild stories, funny sayings, jokes, and thought-provoking messages that fill these pages.

My appreciation goes to those who passed along a great number of the chuckles and thoughts I share with you here. Thank you.

I cannot turn my back on ignorance and must return to the arduous and prodigious “tolerance” — it means so much to me. I wish everyone would think of it as a principle to live by because it’s a solid platform for peace of mind living based on the Golden Rule.

Gotthold Ephraim Lessing, the eighteenth century Germany dramatist and critic focused on the subject and published his thoughts and commitments on tolerance with the “Ring Fable” in Nathan the Wise, his thought-provoking dramatic poem and one of the most admirable documents of eighteenth-century thought. (You will find the parable in Act III, Scene 7.)

I always find it intriguing when I hear talk about race.

Individuals with high melanin counts in the skin are part of an advanced species who are protected against skin cancer and aging appearance. Yet, the majority of the inferior species address that quality as a put-down.

When I’m told that I am “white,” I put my hand against my white shirt and ask if the two are the same color. When the response is that they are not, I say, “Well, I guess that proves that you are colorblind.”

The notion that all individuals of a quality such as high or low melanin count, low sugar, high blood pressure, high carotene count, red hair, or green eyes are all part of the same group, all with the same emotional or intellectual realities is simply only uttered by superficial and shoe-sized IQ dorks. We should feel sorry for, rather than angry, at these pathetic dorks who are empathy-challenged and intellectually-challenged in every area of their life.

It goes without saying that, although I titled this “racism,” we are also talking about appearanceism, beardism, faceism, fanaticism, fatism, heightism, languageism, pacifism, prejudism, sciolism, sensualism, shapeism, skinnyism, voiceism, etc. Oops, I forgot sexism.
Immense gratitude goes to my grandchildren Devin, Megan, Alexander, Dustin, Richard, and Charles because without them I may have substituted writing this book with playing tennis or watching the moon over the Magic City.

Miami, Florida                                      HD

The things I want to know are in books;
my best friend is the man
who’ll get me a book I ain’t read.
Abraham Lincoln
(1809-1865)
16th United States president

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine “Sex.” He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one, too!”

Then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, “You don’t need a special room.

As long as you pay your bill, we don’t care what you do.”

I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny — I have the same problem.”

One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets.

“You don’t understand,” I said. “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place, it’s no big deal anymore.”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “The courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.”
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me, too.”

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

A Dog’s Inquiry

Dear God, when we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride. I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle.

Dear God, if a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God, more meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God, when we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, we dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

Dear God, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can’t make up our minds what not to order? Or is it the carpet thing again?

A Few Puns

● A backward poet writes inverse.

● A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

● A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

● A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

● A good pun is its own reword.

● A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

● A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

● A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

● A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

● A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

● A plateau is a high form of flattery.

● Acupuncture is a jab well done.

● Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

● Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

● Dijon vu — the same mustard as before.

● Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

● Every calendar’s days are numbered.

● He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

● He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

● If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

● In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

● Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

● Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeet.

● Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

● Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

● Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

● Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

● Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.

● She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

● Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

● Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I’ll show you A flat minor.

● The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

● The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

● Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

● Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

● Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

● What’s the definition of a will? It’s a dead giveaway.

● When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

● When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

● When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.

● With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

● You feel stuck with your debt if it won’t budge.

● Question: How many Floridians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: We probably can give you a firm number within a month.

A Friend Who’s Always There

If I could catch a rainbow

I would do it just for you

And share with you its beauty

On the days you’re feeling blue.

If I could build a mountain

You could call your very own

A place to find serenity

A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles

I would toss them in the sea

But all these things I’m finding

Are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain

Or catch a rainbow fair

But let me be what I know best

A friend who’s always there.

A Fruitful Confession

Paddy goes to confession and says to the priest, “Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been three weeks since my last confession, and in that time I have committed the sin of adultery.”
The priest says, “Was it with Brigitte O’Hara?”

Paddy says, “I’m sorry Father, but I can’t tell you who it was with.”

So the priest says, “I’ll bet it was with Mary O’Houlihan, the hussy!”

Paddy says, “I’m sorry Father, but I really can’t tell you who it was.”

The priest says, “Was it that Rose O’Connell?”
And Paddy responds, “I’ve told you already Father, I can’t reveal who it was.”

So the priest says, “You’re a wicked man Paddy O’Reilly. Say six Hail Marys and don’t let me hear that you’ve transgressed again!”

As he is walking home, Paddy bumps into his friend Seamus, who says, “Paddy! How are you doin’? Is it the church you’ll be coming from?”

And Paddy says, “Aye Seamus, I’ve just been to confession.”
“How was it?”

Paddy says, “Oh not too bad, I got six Hail Marys and three good leads.”

A Funny Blonde Joke

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, “Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?”

The big woman replies, “Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6 feet 2, weighs 220 pounds, and she’s an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who’s 6 feet 5, weighs 250 pounds, and she’s a professional kick boxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?”

The guy thinks about it a second and says, “No, not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”

A Good Poker Player

Two couples were playing cards one evening.

John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife’s legs were wide apart and she wasn’t wearing any underwear. Shocked, John hit his head on the table when he got up.

He went to the kitchen to get some ice and Bill’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see
anything you liked under there?” Surprised by her boldness, John admitted that he did.

She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.”
John thought quickly. He was interested.

She said that since her husband worked Friday afternoons John should be at her house about 2 pm Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around John showed up at the planned time and gave her the $500.

They went to the bedroom and completed their sexual transaction. Then John dressed quickly and left.

Bill came home from work that afternoon and asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”

With a lump in her throat, Bill’s wife answered, “Why, yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband asked, “And did he give you $500?”

Terrified, she replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying “Good! I was hoping he did. He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

NOW THAT’S A POKER PLAYER!

A Jewish Parrot

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”

The third said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can’t see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

She wrote to the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is so rude.”

She wrote to the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken soup was delicious.”

Little Kiss

Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.

One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature

looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.

As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence. Following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.

The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that a woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”

A Little List Of “Doc-Isms”
What Doctors Say,
And What They’re Really Thinking

● “This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

● “Welllllll, what have we here …?”
He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

● “Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

● “Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
— or —
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.

● “We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy a new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.

● “Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

● “Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty-percent interest in the lab.

● “I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.

● “I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

● “If it doesn’t clear up in a week, give me a call.”
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

● “That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

● “This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

● “Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

● “This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

● “Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

● “I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

● “Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier than an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me.

● “There is a lot of that going around.”
That’s the third one this week! I’d better learn something about this.

● “If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thank God I’m off next week.

A Man And His Dog

A man was watering his lawn one day when he looked and coming up the street were two hearses followed by a man, his dog, and a single file of about 200 men. The guy watering his lawn thought this was rather odd and decided to ask the first guy (with the dog) what was going on.

The guy said, “That’s my wife in the first hearse, my dog bit her and she died.”

The guy watering the lawn said, “I’m sorry to hear that. What about the second hearse?”

The other guy said, “Well, that’s my mother-in-law; my dog also bit her and she died.”

The guy with the lawn thinks for a minute and says, “Can I borrow your dog?”

The guy with the dog responds, “Back of the line!”

A Meeting With The Board

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger.

“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,” said the minister.

“I know,” said the man. “If there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

A Modern Tinkle

In England, the phrase “spend a penny” means to go to the bathroom for a tinkle. It comes from the days of public bathrooms when it was necessary to put a penny in a machine in the bathroom door to gain access.

Thus, in order to meet the conditions for joining the single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a penny” is not to be used after the 31st day of December 2001.

From this date on, the correct terminology will be “Euronating.”

A Most Desirable Hotel Guest

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

A Must For The Refrigerator Door

We should put this list on the refrigerator door and look at it closely until we have it memorized.

● The most destructive habit: Worry

● The greatest joy: Giving

● The greatest loss: Loss of self-respect

● The most satisfying work: Helping others

● The ugliest personality trait: Selfishness

● The most endangered species: Dedicated leaders

● Our greatest natural resource: Our youth

● The greatest “shot in the arm”: Encouragement

● The greatest problem to overcome: Fear

● The most effective sleeping pill: Peace of mind

● The most crippling cause of failure: Excuses

● The most powerful force in life: Love

● The most dangerous pariah: A gossiper

● The world’s most incredible computer: The brain

● The worst thing to be without: Hope

● The deadliest weapon: The tongue

● The two most powerful words: “I can”

● The greatest asset: Faith

● The most worthless emotion: Self-pity

● The most beautiful attire: A smile

● The most prized possession: Integrity

● The most powerful communication channel: Prayer

● The most contagious spirit: Enthusiasm

A Play On Words

● Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.

● Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

● A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

● Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

● A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.”

● There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

● A woman had twins, and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she also wants to have a photo of Amal. Her husband responded, “But they are twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

● These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

A Prayer For Dinner Parties

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother said.

The child bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

A Priest And A Rabbi
Were On A Plane

A priest and a rabbi were traveling on a plane. After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted pork.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading.

After a while the rabbi asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, “A lot better than pork, isn’t it?”

A Rabbi And A Priest Buy A Car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.

“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

A Real Friend

● A simple friend has never seen you cry.
A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears.

● A simple friend doesn’t know your parents’ first names.
A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.

● A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party.
A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.

● A simple friend hates it when you call after he has gone to bed.
A real friend asks why you took so long to call.

● A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems.
A real friend seeks to help you with your
problems.

● A simple friend wonders about your romantic history.
A real friend could blackmail you with it.

● A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest.
A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself.

● A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument.
A real friend knows that it’s not a friendship until after you’ve had a fight.

● A simple friend expects you to always be there for them.
A real friend expects to always be there for you.

A Taxi Driver And A Priest Die

A priest and taxi driver die on the same day.

St. Peter, who is standing at Heaven’s gate, allows the taxi driver to proceed on to one of the highest levels of heaven but the priest has to wait.

He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks, “Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?”

St. Peter replies, “When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed.”

A Thought To Share

May you have enough happiness

to make you sweet,

enough trials to make you strong,

enough sorrow to keep you human,

enough hope to make you happy!

A Wish Granted

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.

The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, and then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand and boom!

He was 90.

About Women Over 40

Andy Rooney wisdom: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

 

● An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think. If an older woman doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And it’s usually something more interesting.

● An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

● Older women are dignified. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

● Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

● An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. An older woman couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her.

● Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido is stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone. Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she’s lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her younger nieces and cousins could never dream of.

● Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

 

Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it is not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

Actual Newspaper Classifieds

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.

 

● Illiterate? Write today for free help.

● Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.

● Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

● Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of
children.

● Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

● Stock up and save. Limit: one.

● Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

● 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

● Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

● Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

● Dinner Special. Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

● For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

● Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

● For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

● Great Dames for sale.

● Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

● Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

● Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

● Man, honest. Will take anything.

● Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

● Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

● Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

● Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

● Our bikinis are exciting. They’re simply tops.

● Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

● And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

● We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Adam Strays

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.

“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.

Advice To Live By

● Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

● Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

● Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

● When you say, “I love you,” mean it.
When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye.

● Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

● Believe in love at first sight.

● Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

● Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to love life completely.

● In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.

● Don’t judge people by their relatives.

● Talk slowly but think quickly.

● When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”

● Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

● Say, “Bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.

● When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

● Remember the three R’s:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

● Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

● When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

● Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

● Spend some time alone.

Air Force General Takes Action

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force general is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the general slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?”

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose.”

All About The Woman

FACTS ON FIGURES

● There are three billion women who don’t look like supermodels and only eight who do.

● Marilyn Monroe wore a size 14.

● If Barbie were a real woman, she’d have to walk on all fours due to her proportions.

● The average woman weighs 144 lb. and wears between size 12 and 14.

● One out of every four college-aged women has an eating disorder.

● The models in the magazines are airbrushed — not perfect!

● A psychological study in 1995 found that three minutes spent looking at a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty, and shameful.

● Models twenty years ago weighed 8% less than the average woman. Today they weigh 23% less.

 

THE BEAUTY OF A WOMAN

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from her eyes,

Because that is the doorway to her heart,

The place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,

But true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives,

The passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman

With passing years only grows.

 

IT’S THE PUNCTUATION THAT COUNTS

An English professor wrote the words, “Woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

The women wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

 

THE IMAGES OF MOTHER

● 4 years of age: My mommy can do anything.

● 8 years of age: My mom knows a lot. A whole lot.

● 12 years of age: My mother doesn’t really know quite everything.

● 14 years of age: Naturally, mother doesn’t know that either.

● 16 years of age: Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.

● 18 years of age: That old woman? She’s way out of date.

● 25 years of age: Well, she might know a little bit about it.

● 35 years of age: Before we decide, let’s get mom’s opinion.

● 45 years of age: Wonder what mom would have thought about it?

● 65 years of age: Wish I could talk it over with mom.

All Too Familiar

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD — Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests itself:

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I get my checkbook and see that there is only one check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the den, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

I see that the soda is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye; they need to be watered.

I set the soda down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but no one will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my email.

Alligator Alert

Thought you all would get a chuckle out of this since we just had an alligator alert.

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission is advising hikers, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Palm Beach, Brevard, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange Counties.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly.

They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.

People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

An Atheist’s Hell

A young lady came home from a date looking rather sad. She told her mother, “Arthur proposed to me an hour ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

An HMO Manager Goes To Heaven

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission.

St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities.”

St. Peter said, “You can enter.”

The second doctor said, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves.”

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, “I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter said, “You can come in, too.”

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, “You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell.”

An Ideal Marriage

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Ancient Translations

A monk his entire adult life, Brother Andrew was responsible for training new scribes in the art of copying by hand - word for word - the holy writs. One day an eager new scribe, Brother Jonathan, asked if anyone had ever made a mistake.

“Oh no,” said Brother Andrew. “These words have always been correctly copied from generation to generation.” Skeptical, Brother Jonathan asked Brother Andrew how he knew.

“My son,” said Brother Andrew as he shuffled off toward the monastery’s library, “let me get you the first volume ever written, and you will see that it is just as correct today as it was then.”

Many hours passed. Finally Brother Jonathan decided he had better check on the elderly monk. At the library, he spotted Brother Andrew sitting alone in a candle-lit corner, tears running down his wrinkled cheeks. “What’s the matter?” Brother Jonathan asked.

“I can’t believe it,” Brother Andrew responded, his voice quivering with emotion. “The word is celebrate. Cel-e-BRATE!”

Another Funny Story

The wife sends hubby grocery shopping. Standing at the check-out, the proverbial question confronts the helpful husband: “Paper or plastic?”

“Can I pay with cash?” the first-time super market patron offers.

Another Moral Lesson

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

Around And About Middle Age

● A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

● Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

● You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

● As I grow older and older, and totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less, who goes to bed with whom.

● Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

● Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home.

● The longer I live, the less future there is to worry about.

● My regret in life is that I am not someone else.

● The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.

● Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.

● The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

● You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.

● The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.

● Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

● It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.

● My grandfather’s a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day he took me aside and left me there.

● There’s one advantage to being 102: No peer pressure.

● Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.

● They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.

● My uncle reads the obits every day. He can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.

● Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

Arsenic Prescription

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

He asks, “What for?”

She says, “I want to kill my husband.”

He says, “Sorry, I can’t do that.”

She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife and hands it to him.
He says, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

Atheist In Trouble

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break,” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either.”

Attitude

The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do.

It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.

It will make or break an organization, a school, a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past.

We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.

We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play the string we have.

And that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it.

And so it is with you.

Attractive Blonde

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Mama needs new clothes!”

Then she hollered, “Yes! Yes! I Won! I Won!”

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”

The other answered, “I don’t know, I thought YOU were watching!”

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men … are men.

Audrey Hepburn Beauty Tips

● For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

● For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

● For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

● For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

● For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

● People, even more than things, have to be restored, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

● Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you’ll find them at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

● The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

● The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode, but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows.

● A woman’s beauty grows with the passing years.

Balls Come In Various Sizes

Read the following six statements and the amazing conclusion they lead to:

 

● The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball.

● The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

● The sport of choice for frontline workers is football.

● The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

● The sport of choice for middle management is tennis.

● The sport of choice for corporate executives is golf.

 

AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Be Quiet

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Annie replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.

“Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey.”

“No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit.”

“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, “How’d it go?”

“Great!” said the second bee. “It was everything you said it would be.”

“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.

“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

Benefits Of Growing Older

● You can eat dinner at 4:00.

● Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

● Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

● It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

● People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

● Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

● Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

● Your eyes won’t get much worse.

● Things you buy now won’t wear out.

● No one expects you to run into a burning building.

● There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

● Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

● In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

● You can live without sex but not without glasses.

● Your back goes out more than you do.

● You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

● You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

● Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

● You sing along with the elevator music.

● You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

● You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

● You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

● You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

● People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

● You send money to PBS.

● You can’t remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.

● Your ears are hairier than your head.

● You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

● You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

● You got cable for the weather channel.

● You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

Best Headlines Of The Year

● Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says

● Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

● Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

● Prostitutes appeal to pope

● Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over

● Teacher strikes idle kids

● Miners refuse to work after death

● Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

● War dims hope for peace

● If strike isn’t settled quickly, it may last awhile

● Cold wave linked to temperatures

● Red tape holds up new bridges

● Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead

● Man struck by lightning faces battery charge

● New study of obesity looks for larger test group

● Astronaut takes blame for gas in space

● Kids make nutritious snacks

● Stolen painting found by tree

● Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout stand

● Couple slain, police suspect homicide

● Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy

● Local high school dropouts cut in half

● Hospitals are sued by 7 foot doctors

Bits Of Wisdom

● Never be afraid to try something new. Remember amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

● Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.

● Politicians and diapers have one thing in common; they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

● Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

● Age doesn’t always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone.

● Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

● If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

● I am in shape. Round is a shape.

● Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.

● Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

● Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

● An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

● There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.

● In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

● I am a nutritional overachiever.

● I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

● Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

● A day without sunshine is like night.

● It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

● The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

● Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Black And White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

Brain Cramps

● Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.”
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

● “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”
— Mariah Carey

● “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

● “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

● “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

● “Half this game is ninety percent mental.”
— Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

● “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.”
— Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

● “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
— A congressional candidate in Texas

● “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
— Vice President Al Gore

● “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle

● “It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another.”
— President George W. Bush

● “We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?”
— Lee Iacocca

● “I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version.”
— Lt. Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony

● “The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
— Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

● “We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.”
— Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC instructor

● “If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”
— President Bill Clinton

● “We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
— Vice President Al Gore

● “Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”
— Keppel Enderbery

● “Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”
— Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

● “If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.”
— Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

 

Feeling smarter yet? Send it on to your other brilliant friends, like I am doing.

Bran Muffins

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. “What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.
“This is Heaven, “St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.

“That’s the best part,” St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”

The old man, “No gym to work out at?”

“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.

“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or?”

“Never again. All you do is enjoy yourself.”

The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!”

Bulletin Bloopers

● The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”

● A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

● Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

● The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 pm. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

● Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

● The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”

● Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

● Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.

● For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

● This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Bumper Stickers

Don’t rush me; I get paid by the hour.

 

Don’t chase after me.

I’m a tennis player

and love means

nothing to me.

 

Lord, help me to be the person

my dog thinks I am.

 

“A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.”

 

“God give me patience — And make it quick!”

 

My home church welcomes all denominations,
but really prefers tens and twenties.

Bush, Kerry And Nader
On Air Force One

Bush, Kerry, and Nader are on a long flight on Air Force One.

Nader pulls out a $100 bill and says “I’m going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.”

Kerry, not wanting to be outdone, says, “If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into two $50 bills and make two people down below happy.”

Of course Bush doesn’t want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, “I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.”

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out of the cockpit and says, “I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.”

Cheer Up

● The parachute company says you’ll get a full refund.

● They say the house didn’t float very far at all.

● We’re all amazed that you go on living each day.

● Well, at least the operation was a partial success.

● The National Enquirer just loved those nude shots of you.

● The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.

● The District Attorney says he only has a few more questions.

● At least the passenger side air bag inflated.

● Jenny Jones wants you for this secret admirer show.

● The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

Chin Chin The Panda

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors.

The judge looked at Chin-Chin’s lawyer and proclaimed, “Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave.

Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client.”

“Wait a second, your honor,” said the lawyer, “My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn’t help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word ‘panda’ in the dictionary, you’ll have no choice but to agree.”

The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into the courtroom. There, under the letter P, he found; “PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves.”

Chinese Proverbs

● Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

● Man who run in front of car get tired.

● Man who run behind car get exhausted.

● Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

● Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

● Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

● Man with one chopstick go hungry.

● Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

● Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

● Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

● Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

● War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

● Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

● Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

● It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

● Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

● Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

● Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

● Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

● Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

● Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

● Man who has sex with woman in field get piece on earth.

Choosing A Good Name
For Your Baby

Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance of one’s name. They have developed a very comprehensive system of naming one’s children as it is believed that the name of a person strongly influences one’s destiny and fate. Astrologers, fortune tellers, academics and monks are consulted when choosing a name for the new born. Most other cultures, however, do not really believe in it and tend to brush it off as superstition. Whether you believe it or not, however, the other cultures are not spared of this correlation.

One very good example is Lee Iacocca, whose name IACOCCA stands for I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation America.

Coincidence?

Look at the following familiar examples:

Bush stands for Beat Up Saddam Hussein.

Clinton stands for Call Lewinsky, I Need The Oral Now.

However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming: Osama stands for Oh Shit, American Missiles Again.

With all these, you better believe in the 5000-year-old Chinese culture and make sure you choose a good name for your child.

Church Bulletin Bloopers

● Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.

● Thursday night — Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

● Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

● For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

● The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belcher, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belcher.

● This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

● Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

● This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

● The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement on Saturday.

● At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

● The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

● Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

● The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth into Joy.”

● During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Cold Winter Coming

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he didn’t have the faintest idea what the weather was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the coming winter going to be cold?”

“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s going to be a very, very cold winter.”

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters ever.

“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”

Comings Via The Internet

This little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents’ room.

Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, “Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises. Then when I look in your bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.”

His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh, well, I’m bouncing on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”

The boy replies, “Well, that won’t work.”

“Why?” his mom asks.

And the boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up.”

gc

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail when they decided to take a rest. Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened.

“Buffalo come,” remarked Tonto.

“How can you tell?” asked the Lone Ranger.

“Face sticky.”

gc

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride. “That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes.”

gc

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.

After $250,000, and three years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After two weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Computer Problems Come
In All Shapes And Sizes

The story is told of a company whose computer system worked very well when it worked. But once in a while something went blooey and the whole system would be plunged into unbelievable chaos.

Engineers investigated and finally gave up because they could not figure out what was wrong.

Since the computer is operated largely by female personnel, a highly intelligent lady supervisor was dispatched to seek the answer.

She spent several frustrating days in the office, personally checking each and every woman who operated the computer. As far as she could see, everything was being done correctly. Yet, while she was there, the system blew its stack four times!

Finally, the home office recalled the lady supervisor and sent their top male specialist.

The moment he entered the office, his eyes settled on the difficulty. There sat a voluptuous young lady with an enormous bosom.

The specialist studied her in silent fascination as she operated and he instantly discovered the trouble: when she leaned far forward to press a function key on the keyboard, her 40-inch endowment depressed one or two of the bottom lines on the keyboard.

The problem was easily solved. The specialist gave her a higher chair.

Computer Relationship
Reassessment

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when

  1. You wake up at 4 o’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

  2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

  3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

  4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

  5. You use smileys :-) in your snail mail.

  6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word processor.com.

  7. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a computer.

  8. Your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really depressed.

  9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen names and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to Netscape before you landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say, “LOL,LOL.”

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend.

Computer Viruses

● Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

● Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

● Lorena Bobbit virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5” floppy then discards through windows.

● Sony Bono virus: Just when you get surfing the Web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

● Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

● Ellen Degeneres virus: Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

● Ellen Degeneres virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.

● Disney virus: Everything in your computer goes goofy.

● Tonya Harding virus: Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

● Saddam Hussein virus: Won’t let you into any of your programs.

● Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

● Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, and then e-mails everyone about what it did.

● George Michaels virus: Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

● Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

● Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

● Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. But it’ll be back.

● Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

● Spice Girl virus: Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

● Martha Stewart virus: Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

● Titanic virus (a strain of Lewinsky virus): Makes your whole computer go down.

● Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

● Viagra virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

● Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, and then slowly expands to 200MB.

● X-files virus: All your icons start shape shifting.

Consultant

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Mercedes advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech printer, then turned to the shepherd and said, “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”

“That is correct; take one of the sheep,” said the shepherd.

He watched the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?”

“Okay, why not.” answered the young man.

“Clearly, you are a consultant.” said the shepherd.

“That’s correct,” said the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already know, to a question I never asked, and you know jack-shit about my business. Now give me back my dog.”

Contemplating Proposition

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return.

“What for?” he snapped at the judge.

His Honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars contempt of court. That’s what for!”

Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge said, “It’s okay. You don’t have to pay now.”

The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words!”

Cop With A Collar

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months. He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency. Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”

He thought for a moment and then said, “I would take up a collection.”

Cubans In The After-Life

Have you wondered how Cubans are in the after-life?

Gabriel came to the Lord and said “I have to talk to you. We have some Cubans up here who are causing problems. They’re swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, Mojo sauce is all over their robes, their dogs are riding in the chariots, and they’re wearing straw hats and baseball caps instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean. They have sour orange seeds and pig feet bones all over the place. They are setting up cock fights in the clouds, and some of them are walking around with just one wing.”

The Lord said, “Cubans are Cubans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil.”

The Devil answered the phone, “Hello? Damn, hold on a minute. “The Devil returned to the phone, “Okay, I’m back. What can I do for you?”

Gabriel replied, “I just want to know what kind of problems you’re having down there.”

The Devil said, “Hold on again. I need to check on something.”

After about five minutes, the Devil returned to the phone and said, “I’m back. Now what was the question?”

Gabriel said, “What kind of problems are you having down there?”

The Devil said, “Man, I don’t believe this. Hold on.”

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, “I’m sorry Gabriel, I can’t talk right now. Those damn Cubans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning.”

Curious George

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the monkey was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s “The Origin of Species.”

In surprise he asked the monkey, “Why are you reading both those books?”

“Well,” said the monkey, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”

Dealing With A Dear John Letter

A soldier, stationed overseas, received a letter from his girlfriend back home.

She wrote the following: “Dear Raymond, I cannot continue with our relationship. The distance between us is too great. I must also admit that I have cheated on you four times since you left and all of this is not good for either of us. Sorry. Please return my photo that I gave you. Regards, Cindy.”

The soldier, visibly hurt, immediately went to his comrades and collected all the photos they could spare — photos of girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, sisters, cousins, aunts … He collected 57 photos.

Then he wrote: “Dear Cindy, I am sorry, but unfortunately I don’t know anymore who you are. Please take your picture and return to me the rest. Regards, Raymond.”

Dealing With The Town Gossip

Jo-Ann, the town gossip and supervisor of the town’s morals, recently accused George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town’s only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening he parked his pickup truck in front of her house, and left it there all night.

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Management

Deep Thoughts

● Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

● If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

● If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

● Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

● Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

● If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

● Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

● How do they get the deer to cross at the yellow road sign?

● Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

● Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Desire To Become A Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

Did You Know?

Here are some facts about insects that are not your “everyday” facts.

 

● Ants can lift 50 times their own weight. But that’s nothing compared with the honey bee, which can lift 300 times its own weight — roughly the equivalent of a person lifting 15 tons.

● The average mosquito has 47 teeth — but it’s the mosquito’s sharp proboscis that’ll make you itch. The proboscis, which looks like a really long, pointy nose, is the female mosquito’s rather effective tool for sharing your blood supply.

● There are grasshoppers that can draw blood with a kick.

● Fleas that can leap 800 times farther than their body length.

● The Deer Bot Fly, Cephenemyia jellisoni Townsend (the infamous supersonic fly) was reputed by C.H.T. Townsend, the father of Myiology in 1926, to zoom from hilltop to hilltop in New Mexico at speeds of up to 818 miles per hour.

● Courtship among Balloon Flies is dangerous because the female, when given a chance, will eat the male. To keep his head and get the girl, the male fly resorts to gift-giving, presenting the female with a small, balloon-shaped cocoon. Unwrapping the present keeps the female distracted, giving the male time to love her and then leave her.

Differences Between
You And Your Boss

● When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s
thorough.

● When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

● When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

● When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

● When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

● When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.

● When you please your boss, you’re arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

● When you’re out of the office, you’re wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s on business.

● When you have one too many drinks at a social, you’re a drunken bum.
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

● When you’re on a day off sick, you’re always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

● When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it ‘s because he’s overworked

Discoveries That Come With Age

● I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

● My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

● I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

● Funny, I don’t remember being absentminded.

● It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

● Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.

● Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

● Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

● It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

● Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.

● If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

● It’s not hard to meet expenses; they’re everywhere.

● The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

● These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m here after.

Discrepancies

● Lysdexia — a peech impediment we live to learn with.

● Would the standing committee please sit down?

● 43.3% of statistics are meaningless.

● The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 years.

● A.A.A.A.A. — an organization for drunks who drive.

● Madness takes its toll; please have exact change.

● It said ‘Insert disk #3’, but only two will fit.

● For a real sponge cake, borrow all the ingredients.

● Why experiment on animals with so many lawyers out there?

● Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?

● Just fill out one simple form to win an IRS audit.

● Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

● Grow your own dope — plant a politician.

● A seminar on time travel is held two weeks ago.

● Democracy — four wolves and a lamb voting on lunch.

● Would you trust a politician to run the country?

● Improve mail delivery — mail the postmen their pay.

● Thank you for holding your breath while I smoke.

● Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

● Old is always fifteen years older than I am.

● The buck doesn’t even slow down here.

● Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

● If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

● The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.

● Don’t question authority; it hasn’t got a clue.

● Advice is free; the right answer will cost plenty.

● He who laughs last is slow.

● Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap; park elsewhere.

● Multitasking — screwing up several things at once.

● Looking for a helping hand? There’s one on your arm.

● Don’t take life too seriously; it’s not permanent.

● Don’t insult the alligator till after you cross the river.

● The trouble with political jokes is they get elected.

● A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.

● Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.

● History is a set of lies agreed upon by the victor.

● After four decimal places, nobody cares.

● Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

● War never decides who is right, only who is left.

● A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

● Don’t worry. The answer’s at the back of the book.

● We do precision guesswork.

● My life has a superb cast, but I can’t figure out the plot.

● Don’t let school interfere with your education.

● ‘Oh what a tangled web we weave.’ — Hair Club for Men.

● Where there’s a will, there’s a lawsuit.

● A penny saved is a congressional oversight.

● Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

● How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?

● The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

● When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

● Laughing stock — cattle with a sense of humor.

Divorce Holiday Style

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, do you hear me?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

Driver Education Exam Answers

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school.

 

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

 

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, ‘Guns don’t kill people. I do.’

 

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

A: Always wear a condom.

 

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

 

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too hammered to find your keys.

 

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

 

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

 

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave ‘hello’ if he or she is cute.

 

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

 

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

 

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Drivers License Photo

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, “It’s okay; that’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Driving Privilege

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, “I will make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, “Son, I’m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get a hair cut.”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

His father replied, “Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went.”

Drunken Confession

A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, “No use knockin’, mate, there’s no paper in this one either.”

Dust If You Must

A house becomes a home when you can write “I love you” on the furniture.

I can’t tell you how many countless hours that I have spent CLEANING! I used to spend at least eight hours every weekend making sure things were just perfect “in case someone came over”. Then I realized one day that no one came over; they were all out living life and having fun!

Now, when people visit, I find no need to explain the “condition” of my home. They are more interested in hearing about the things I’ve been doing while I was away living life and having fun. If you haven’t figured this out yet, please heed this advice.

Life is short. Enjoy it! Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better to paint a picture or write a letter, bake a cake or plant a seed, ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there’s not much time, with rivers to swim and mountains to climb, music to hear and books to read, friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world’s out there with the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, a shower of rain. This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind, old age will come and it’s not kind. And when you go — and go you must — you, yourself will make more dust.

Share this with all the wonderful women in your life! I JUST DID.

It’s not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

Employee’s Lingo

● I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:
I’ve used Microsoft Office.

● I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:
I pilfer office supplies.

● MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

● I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

● I’M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

● I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

● I AM ADAPTABLE:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

● I AM ON THE GO:
I’m never at my desk.

● I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:
The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

Employer’s Lingo

● COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

● JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM:
We have no time to train you.

● CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

● MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

● SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

● DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

● MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

● CAREER-MINDED:
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

● APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

● NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

● SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

● PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You walk into a company in perpetual chaos.

● REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

● GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen; figure out what they want and do it.

Enemy Of State

The phone rings at KGB headquarters. They answer: “Hello?”
“Hello, Is that the KGB?”

“Yes. What do you want?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor Y. Rabinotov as an enemy of the state. He is hiding diamonds in his firewood.”

“This will be noted.”

Next day, the KGB goons come over to Rabinotov’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, swear at Rabinotov and leave.

The phone rings at Rabinotov’s house. He answers, “Hello.”

“Hello Rabinotov! Did the KGB come? Did they chop your firewood?”

“Yes they did.”

“O.K., now it’s your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed.”

European Union

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords containing “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

 

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Zen ve vil rul ze vorld!

Ever Wonder

● Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

● Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

● Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery?”

● Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

● Why do doctors and lawyers call what they do “practice?”

● Why is it that to stop Windows XP, you have to click on “Start?”

● Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

● Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

● Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

● Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

● When dog food is “new and improved tasting,” who tests it?

● Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

● You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

● Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

● Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

● If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Excuses Sent To Schools By Parents

● My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

● Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

● Dear School: Please excuse John for being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33.

● Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.

● John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

● Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

● Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He has diarrhea and his boots leak.

● Please excuse John for being. It was his father’s fault.

● Please excuse Jane. She had been sick and under the doctor.

● Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend a funeral.

● Please excuse my son’s tardiness. I forgot to wake him up and I didn’t find him until I started making the beds.

● Please excuse Harriet from school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it on Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

● Please excuse Ray from school. He has very loose vowels

Exercise Is Good For You

● My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the heck she is.

● I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

● The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

● I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures what I’m doing.

● I don’t exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

● I like long walks, especially when people who annoy me take them.

● I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

● The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

● If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

● I don’t jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

● Whenever I feel the urge to exercise I lie down until it passes.

Famous Dan Quayle Quotes

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.

 

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.

 

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.

 

Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.

 

What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.

 

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.

 

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy; but that could change.

 

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’

 

May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card.

 

Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

 

I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.

 

The future will be better tomorrow.

 

We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

 

People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.

 

I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.

 

We have a firm commitment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe; we are a part of Europe.

 

Public speaking is very easy.

 

I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix.

 

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

 

When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.

 

Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.

 

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

 

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.

 

The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.

 

We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.

 

It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

 

[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.

 

Finally remember — was it potato(e) or tomato(e)?
— George Harris

Five Great Lessons

1. The most important lesson

— Everyone is significant.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions, until I read the last one: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?” Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her ’50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. “Absolutely,” said the professor. “In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say ‘hello.’” I’ve never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

 

2. The second important lesson

— Pickup in the rain.

One night, at 11:30, an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached. It read: “Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband’s bedside just before he passed away. God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others. Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.”

 

3. The third important lesson

— Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. “How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.

“Fifty cents,” replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. “Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.

“Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied.” The little boy again counted his coins. “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.

The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table.

There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies. You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

 

4. The fourth important lesson

— The obstacle in our path.

In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.

After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.

The peasant learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

 

5. The fifth important lesson

— Giving when it counts.

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “Yes, I’ll do it if it will save her.”

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek.

Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, “Will I start to die right away?” Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

 

You see, after all, understanding and attitude are everything.

Five Jewish Men

Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization:

 

1. Moses said the law is everything.

2. Jesus said love is everything.

3. Marx said capital is everything.

4. Freud said sex is everything.

5. Einstein said everything is relative.

Five Simple Rules To Be Happy

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

 

1. Free your heart from hatred.

2. Free your mind from worries.

3. Live simply.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less.

Funny Quotes

People actually say such dumb things.

 

A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.
— Former U.S. Senator Everett Dirksen

 

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
— Movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

 

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
— Former French President Charles De Gaulle

 

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
— Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

 

I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.
— Movie actor John Wayne

 

I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
— Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

 

If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet.
— Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

 

It is bad luck to be superstitious.
— Andrew Mathis

 

It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.
— Former U.S. President Richard M. Nixon

 

It’s like déjà vu all over again.
— Baseall great Yogi Berra

 

Smoking kills, and if you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
— Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields

 

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.
— A congressional candidate in Texas

 

The Internet is a great way to get on the net.
— Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

 

The police are not here to create disorder, they’re here to preserve disorder.
— Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention

 

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
— Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

 

They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
— Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

 

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
— Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

 

Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.
— Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

 

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
— Jason Kidd, upon being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks

 

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
— Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge

Gates At The Pearly Gate

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates.

St. Peter: “Well, you’ve got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out and then let me know your decision.”

Bill has a look around Heaven. Lots of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord. He goes down to Hell. There he sees beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand and attractive women. Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St. Peter.

Gates: “Look, I know you’re really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell.”

St. Peter: “No problem. You’ve got it.”

Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can’t figure it out.

Gates: “Hey! St. Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks?”

St. Peter: “Sorry if you got confused. That was just the demo version.”

Get Ready For The Big Mergers

Making money in the stock market is easy. Just buy stock in companies that will merge. Here are merger predictions:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become Poly, Warner Cracker.

3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as MMMGood.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become ZipAudiDoDa.

FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become Fairwell Honeychild.

Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become Poupon Pants.

Girlfriend Updates

Girlfriend 1.0 Upgrade

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker-night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

 

Dear Sir:

This is a very common problem that men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 and Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system.

Look in your manual under “Warnings — Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.

The best course of action will be to push the ‘Apologize’ button then the ‘Reset’ button as soon as lockup occurs. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but has very high maintenance.
Tech Support

 

Girlfriend 7.0 Upgrade

Dear Help Desk:

I’m having trouble. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, DrunkenBoysNight 2.5 and SaturdayRugby 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you help me, please!!! Thanks.

Joe

 

Dear Joe:

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a “UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT” program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under “Warnings — Alimony/Child Support.” I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but has very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary with ShortSkirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support

Giveaway Of Where You Are From

● Your house still has the “WIDE LOAD” sign on the back.

● You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

● You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

● Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

● You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

● Your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

● You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

● Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

● You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

● Your hunting dog had a litter of puppies in the living room and nobody noticed.

● You can get dog hair from your belly button.

● The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

● You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

● You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

● You have a rag for a gas cap.

● The blue book value of our truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

● You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

● A seven-course meal is a bucket of KFC and a six-pack.

● One of your kids was born on a pool table.

● You have spray painted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.

● You’ve climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister’s honor.

● You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.

● You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

● You own a homemade fur coat.

● Your wife’s job requires her to wear an orange vest.

● On Thanksgiving Day you have to decide which pet to eat.

● Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.”

● You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.

● Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

● You got Clapper devices controlling the appliances in your house.

● You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

● The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

● The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

● You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

● Your father executes the “pull my finger” trick during Christmas dinner.

● You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

● The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

● You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

● You think French toast is French.

● You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

Goat For Dinner

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.’”

God’s Getting Better At It

The little girl was sitting in her grandfather’s lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by, she was alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again.

Finally, she spoke, “Granddaddy, did God make you?”

“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered. “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh,” she said. Then, “Granddaddy, did God make me, too?”

“Yes, indeed, honey,” he assured her. “God made you just a little while ago.”

“Oh,” she said. Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better at it now, isn’t He?”

Golden Rules

If you open it, close it.

● If you turn it on, turn it off.

● If you unlock it, lock it up.

● If you break it, admit it.

● If you can’t fix it, call in someone who can.

● If you borrow it, return it.

● If you value it, take care of it.

● If you don’t know how to operate it, leave it alone.

● If you move it, put it back.

● If it belongs to someone else and you want to use it, get permission.

● If you make a mess, clean it up.

● If it’s none of your business, don’t ask questions.

● If it isn’t broke, don’t fix it.

● If it will brighten someone’s day, say it.

Golf Jokes

A Bad Slice

A fellow was out golfing when he made an unfortunate hook shot that landed in a bed of flowers planted along the edge of the fairway. Gingerly tip-toeing his way through the flowers to retrieve his ball, he bent down to pick it up.

Feeling the presence of someone else, he slowly turned around to see Mother Nature standing behind him.

Smiling, she said, “I couldn’t help but notice how careful you are to retrieve your golf ball without injuring my buttercups — my precious little buttercups. I want to reward you. I’ll give you all the butter you could want for the next year.”

The golfer looked at her and without hesitation, said, “And where the hell were you when I sliced it into the pussy willows?”

 

A Golfer’s nightmare

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf. Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball.

Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the center of the floor. And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball.

Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot.

After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.

Five years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve’s tee shot took the exact same path as it did five years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the center of the shed.

As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly, “Hell, no! The last time I tried that it took me seven shots to get on the green.”

Good Ideas

The three little words are “Hold on, please.”

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company’s “beep-beep-beep” tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

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Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a “real” sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system.

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When you get “ads” enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these “ads” with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those “pre-approved” letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?

It costs them more than the regular 37-cents postage when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express.

Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back.

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn’t on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just keep them guessing!

Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting their own junk back in the mail.

Let’s let them know what it’s like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they’re paying for it. Twice!

Let’s help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that email is cutting into their business profits, and that’s why they need to increase postage rates again. You get the idea.

If enough people follow these tips, it will work.

Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon.

His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to earth and heard by millions.

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet cosmonaut.

However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs.Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

True story.

Good News And Bad News
For A Pastor

● Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

● Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

● Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it; they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

● Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

● Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.
Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show,” “Beavis and Butthead” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”

● Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game.
Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.

● Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

● Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

● Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.
Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.

● Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.

Good Reasons To Ask
Your Boss For A Raise

● You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.

● The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.

● Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.

● You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.

● You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.

● All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.

● You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, “Charity Case. Return To Sender.”

● You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.

● You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.

● You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

Good To Have Brothers

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of brew and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it so it might taste better if you bought just one at a time.”

The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we were together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders only two mugs! All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. “Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”

Grad Student

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, $200?”

Grandparents (And Parents)
Take Note

The boss of a big company, faced with the need to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper, “Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”

“Yes,” came the answer.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?” the boss asked the child.

“Yes” whispered the child, “a policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.

“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, “Me.”

Groucho Says

● Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

● Room service? Send up a larger room.

● Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

● I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

● Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

● I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

● If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

● I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

● Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do.

● Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Hanukkah Songs
That Never Quite Caught On

● Oy to the World

● Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland

● Hava Negilah - The Megamix

● Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer

● Enough with those God Damn Jingle Bells Already … Sheez!

● Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)

● I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)

● Come on Baby, Light My Menorah

● Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos

● Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

Health Tip

• The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

• On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

• The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

• The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

 

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.

It’s speaking English that kills you.

Hilarious Exchanges In Court

Is it possible to think that the last one is my favorite?

People actually said it in court, word for word, taken down and recorded by court reporters. How did they keep from laughing while these exchanges were taking place?

 

Judge: “Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.”

Husband: “That’s fair, Your Honor. I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

 

Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you’ve forgotten?

 

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

 

Q: And where was the location of the accident?

A: Approximately milepost 499.

Q: And where is milepost 499?

A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

 

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?

A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

 

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?

A: After the accident?

Q: Before the accident.

A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.

 

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?

A: Yes.

Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?

A: Yes, sir.

Q: What did she say?

A: What disco am I at?

 

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

A: Would you repeat that question, please?

 

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

 

Q: So the date of conception of the baby was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

A: I resent that question.

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition that I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

 

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay?

A: Okay.

Q: What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

 

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

 

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Hilarious Quotes

I have not reneged on my promise. I have changed my mind.
— NY gubernatorial candidate Pierre Rinfret, on why he released only one of the tax returns he had promised to show the public

 

I told you to make one longer than another, and instead you have made one shorter than the other.
— Sir Boyle Roche, British statesman and father of the verbal blunder

 

I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.
— Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model

 

I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.
— New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season.

 

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
— Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann

 

I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
— Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

 

You guys line up alphabetically by height; and you guys pair up in groups of three; then line up in a circle.
— Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

 

Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.
— Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King

 

That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.
— Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

 

I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.
— Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

 

I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.
— Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships

 

He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.
— Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota

 

We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.
— Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record in 1992

 

My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.
— Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice

 

I’m not allowed to comment on lousy, no good officiating.
— Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints general manager, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs

 

It’s basically the same, just darker.
— Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing

 

Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.
— Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote

 

I told him, “Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?” He said, “Coach, I don’t know, and I don’t care.”
— Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player

 

He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.
— Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins

 

Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.
— Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four Fs and one D

 

Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.
— Oiler coach Bum Phillips, when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all road trips

 

He’s living beyond his means, but he can afford it.
— Movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

 

I read part of it all the way through.
— Movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

 

He fakes a bluff.
— Ron Fairly, Giants broadcast announcer

 

It could permanently hurt a batter for a long time.
— Pete Rose, Cincinnati Reds, speaking about a brushback pitch

 

Don’t let a lack of qualifications stop you from pursuing your career goals. I was never qualified for any of the positions I achieved. I’m living proof ‘You Can Have the American Dream.’
— U.S. Representative Sonny Bono (R-California) in a National Enquirer article

 

I usually take a two-hour nap, from one o’clock to four.
— Yogi Berra, explaining what he does before night games

 

There’s a stalled car going west on Sunset Highway.
— Traffic broadcaster’s warning

 

Tuesday Night at the Movies will be seen on Saturday this week instead of Monday.
— Television announcer

 

There’s nothing wrong with pregnancy. Half the people wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for women being pregnant.
— Sarah Kennedy, British Radio 2

 

How old was she when she was born?
— Talk show host Virginia Graham, during an interview with Angie Dickinson, who was talking about her recently born child

 

[It was a] semi-planned spontaneous stop.
— Douglas Scamman, 1992 Bush New Hampshire presidential campaign manager, on a staged campaign stop at a farm

 

It’s not a matter of life and death. It’s more important than that.
— Lou Duva, on the upcoming fight of his protege against boxer Mike Tyson

 

Personhole is not an acceptable de-sexed word.
— Shirley Dean, councilperson from the Berkeley, California City Council, explaining why the council changed the wording in a sewer equipment request back to manhole cover

 

Avoid saying “hello.” This elsewhere pleasant and familiar greeting is out of place in the world of business.
— Instructions of Morgan Guaranty Trust Company to New York employees

 

I’m not going to discuss what I’m going to bring up; even if I don’t discuss it, I’m not going to discuss it.
— U. S. President George Herbert Walker Bush, talking about his relationship with the press

 

I’d find the fellow who lost it, and if he was poor I’d return it.
— Yogi Berra, answering Casey Stengel’s question, “What would you do if you found a million dollars?”

 

I don’t know. I’m not in shape yet.
— Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size

 

At the Lincoln Park traps on Sunday over 80 shooters took part in the program. Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.
— From Chicago Rotary Club journal, Gyrator

 

The new Irish Flag would be orange and green, and would in the future be known as the Irish tricolor.
— Smith O’Brien, Irish revolutionary

 

[You reporters] should have printed what he meant, not what he said.
— Earl Bush, press aide to Chicago’s Mayor Richard Daley, Sr., scolding reporters

 

The President misspoke himself.
— Ron Ziegler, President Richard Nixon’s press secretary

 

In all other respects, he’s done a very good job.
— Noel Jones, press officer of the British Embassy in Moscow, commenting on Konstantin Demakhin, embassy driver, who announced after the fall of the Soviet Union that he had been a KGB spy

 

We must restore to Chicago all the good things it never had.
— Richard Daley, mayor of Chicago

 

Low earnings seem to be the key reason why someone who usually works full time is a member of a poor family.
— U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics conclusions of a study detailing poverty in America

 

Some programs have been theatrical masterpieces, but all we’re seeing is the negative side of nuclear war.
— Senator Barry Goldwater (R-Arizona) discussing television shows about the nuclear war

 

The secret to keeping winning streaks going is to maximize the victories while at the same time minimizing the defeats.
— John Lowenstein, Baltimore Orioles outfielder

 

Every monumental inscription should be in Latin, for that being a dead language, it will ever live.
— Samuel Johnson, eighteenth-century English writer, in a blunder noted by his contemporaries

 

I think we’re on the road to coming up with answers that I don’t think any of us in total feel we have the answers to.
— Kim Anderson, mayor of Naples, Florida

 

There’s a lot of uncertainty that’s not clear in my mind.
— Gib Lewis, speaker of the Texas House of Representatives

 

Folks, this is perfect weather for today’s game. Not a breath of air.
— Curt Gowdy, network sports announcer, on the air

 

It isn’t as if you were looking at the ocean through a little frame and now somebody put something in the way.
— U. S. President Ronald Reagan, on why offshore oil rigs shouldn’t bother anyone

 

We see nothing but increasingly brighter clouds every month.
— U. S. President Gerald Ford, on the economy, to a group of Michigan businessmen

 

Gifts are positively corruptive. [Free air fares] are harmless, or at least only potentially corruptive.
— Lee Wilbur, staff aide on the House Appropriations Transportation subcommittee, explaining why it was okay for him to accept a free round-trip flight to Spain

 

Anything concerning the Ambassador’s swimming pool must be referred to as a water storage tank, not as a swimming pool.
— Internal State Department memo, U.S. Embassy, Vientiane, Laos

 

Lead us in a few words of silent prayer.
— Ex-Houston Oiler and Florida State coach Bill Peterson

 

Facts are stupid things.
— U. S. President Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention

 

Politics make strange bedclothes.
— Rosalind Russell, movie star

 

Remember Lincoln, going to his knees in times of trial in the Civil War and all that stuff. You can’t be. And we are blessed. So don’t feel sorry for don’t cry for me, Argentina.”
— U. S. President George H. Bush, in a January 15, 1992, New Hampshire campaign speech

 

Strength is my biggest weakness.
— Mark Snow, player for the Mexico Aztecas basketball team

 

You call this a script? Give me a couple of $5,000-a-week writers and I’ll write it myself.
— Producer Joe Pasternak

 

We’re launching this innovation for the first time.
— New York City mayor Jimmy Walker

 

You know, I’ve always wondered about the taping equipment. But I’m damn glad we have it.
— U. S. President Richard Nixon to White House aide H.R. Haldeman

 

If a politician can’t find a job for a friend, he shouldn’t be in office.
— Charles Youngblood, drain commissioner of Wayne County, Michigan

 

Against every bone in my body, I’m sitting here twisting both arms.
— Representative Claude De Bruhl, North Carolina state legislator, when voting for a bill he opposed

 

Keep a stiff upper chin.
— Movie mogul Samuel Goldwyn

 

This portion of ‘Women on the Run’ is brought to you by Phillips’ Milk of Magnesia.
— Harry Von Zell, radio announcer in the 1950s

 

This is a great day for France!
— U. S. President Richard Nixon, while attending Charles de Gaulle’s funeral

 

I’ll tell you, it’s big business. If there is one word to describe Atlantic City, it’s big business. Or two words, big business.
— Donald Trump, real estate tycoon, looking down on Atlantic City from his helicopter

 

Honest businessmen should be protected from the unscrupulous consumer.
— Lester Maddox, then governor of Georgia, on why Georgia should not create a consumer protection agency

 

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
— General William Westmoreland, on why the media should be muzzled in wartime

 

I’m for abolishing and doing away with redundancy.
— J. Curtis McKay of the Wisconsin State Elections Board

 

I have reiterated over again what I have said before.
— Mayor Robert F. Wagner of New York

 

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

 

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.
— Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show

 

I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law”
— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

 

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

 

I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

 

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Hmmmm

Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?

A: Shoot him again.

 

Q: How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

 

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: Because they’re practicing to be men.

 

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
OR: Three. One to screw in the bulb, two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

 

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

 

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

 

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

 

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

 

Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

 

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

 

Q: How does a man keep his youth?

A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

 

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your email?

A: Rename the email folder “Instruction Manuals.”

 

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day. And send this to five bright men who have the sense of humor to find this funny.

P.S.: At least finding five bright women is possible!

Horse And Chicken

A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow. The horse fell into a mud hole and was sinking. He called to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out. The chicken ran to the farm but the farmer could not be found. So the chicken drove the farmer’s Mercedes back to the mud hole and tied some rope around the bumper. He threw the other end of rope to the horse and drove the car forward and saved the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, “I think I can stand over the hole.” So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, “Grab my penis and pull yourself up.”

The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

 

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

How Could You Survive?

If you lived as a child in the ’40s, ’50s, ’60s or ’70s how did you survive?

Looking back, it’s hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have.

 

● As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

● Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

● Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint.

● We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

● We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

● We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times we learned to solve the problem.

● We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones.

● Unthinkable. We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt. We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember accidents?

● We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

● We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight.

● We were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.

● We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, Internet chat rooms.

● We had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s home and knocked on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

● Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent. By ourselves. Out there in the cold cruel world. Without a guardian. How did we do it?

● We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

● Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment.

● Some students weren’t as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.

● Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

● Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors ever.

● The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

How Do You Know When
You Are Getting Old?

● You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it started.

● Your dentist asks you to donate your dentures to the museum of dentistry.

● Your grandchildren look at your wedding pictures and ask, “Grandpa, who are these people?”

● You are really old when your back goes out more often than you do.

● People ask which side you were on in the Civil War.

● Your dog attacks you as you return from the mailbox at the end of your driveway.

How Many Do You Remember?

● Head light dimmer switches on the floor.

● Ignition switches on the dashboard.

● Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.

● Real ice boxes.

● Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

● Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

● Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

How Many Does It Take?

A sampling of the best light bulb jokes:

 

Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven. One to change the light bulb, one to say the opening prayer, one to say the closing prayer, and four to bring green Jell-o salads and red punch.

 

Q: How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We can’t know.

 

Q: How many motivational speakers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One to do it, and every other one on earth to stand around saying that they did it first in the ‘80s.

 

Q: How many deists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. If the light bulb no longer interferes with the world, why bother interfering with the light bulb?

How Things Change

● A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note.

● A window was something you hated to clean.

● And a ram was the cousin of a goat.

● Meg was the name of someone’s girlfriend.

● And a gig was a job for the nights.

● Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.

● An application was for employment.

● A program was a TV show.

● A cursor used profanity.

● A keyboard was a piano.

● Memory was something that you lost with age.

● A CD was a bank account.

● And if you had a 3-innch floppy, you hoped nobody found out.

● Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file.

● And if you unzipped anything in public, you’d be in jail for a while.

● Log on was adding wood to the fire.

● Hard drive was a long trip on the road.

● A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

● And a backup happened to your commode.

● Cut you did with a pocketknife.

● Paste you did with glue.

● A web was a spider’s home.

● Spam was something to eat.

● And a virus was the flu.

How To Lose Weight
Without Exercising

A guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.

 

Climbing the ladder of success

750

Making mountains out of molehills

500

Running around in circles

350

Wading through paperwork

300

Throwing your weight around

50-300

               (depending on your weight)

Pushing your luck

250

Eating crow

225

Jumping on the bandwagon

200

Adding fuel to the fire

160

Climbing the walls

150

Dragging your heels

100

Jumping to conclusions

100

Beating around the bush

75

Bending over backwards

75

Pulling out the stops

75

Hitting the nail on the head

50

Swallowing your pride

50

Balancing the books

25

Passing the buck

25

Tooting your own horn

25

Wrapping it up at day’s end

12

 

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

 

Picking up the pieces after

350

Putting your foot in your mouth

300

Starting the ball rolling

90

Opening a can of worms

50

Going over the edge

25

Counting eggs before they hatch

6

Calling it quits

2

Hymns For Her

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in the offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him and him and him.”

I Am A Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”

The little boy replied, “My daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered “I am the father of many.”

The boy said, “My dad has four boys, four girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”

The priest getting impatient said, “I am the father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly; but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, “Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.”

I Guess I Must Be Older Than Dirt

“Hey Dad,” one of my kids asked the other day, “What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?”

“We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,” I informed him. “All the food was slow.”

“C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?”

“It was a place called ‘at home,’” I explained. “Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.”

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, slow. We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone’s lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza; it was called “pizza pie.” When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It’s still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn’t have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather’s Ford. He called it a “machine.”
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 am every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else’s tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn’t do that in movies. I don’t know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren’t allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?

 

MEMORIES from a friend: My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to sprinkle clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.

I Would Do Anything

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly, “I would do anything to pass this exam.”

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything.”

He returns her gaze. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

His voice softens. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you study?”

If You Can

● If you can start the day without caffeine.

● If you can get going without pep pills.

● If you can always be cheerful and ignore aches and pains.

● If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles.

● If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it.

● If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time.

● If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong.

● If you can take criticism and blame without resentment.

● If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him.

● If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend.

● If you can face the world without lies and deceit.

● If you can conquer tension without medical help.

● If you can relax without liquor.

● If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

● If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics.

 

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog!

If You Don’t Understand Life
Just Ask The Kids

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

“If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”

gc

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

“Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked.

“He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, rather frightened, “Did God throw him back down?”

gc

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.”

“Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?”

“Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”

gc

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”

“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.

“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

gc

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, “There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.”

“How did you know?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

gc

A mother-to-be story: When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, “Mommy, you’re getting fat!”

I replied, “Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.”

“I know,” she replied, “but what’s growing in your butt?”

If You Want Happiness

● If you want happiness for an hour — take a nap.

● If you want happiness for a day — go fishing.

● If you want happiness for a month — get married.

● If you want happiness for a year — inherit a fortune.

● If you want happiness for a lifetime — help others.

Improvements In Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”

Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God was surprised, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”

“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer, and I’m keeping him.”

God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”

Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

In The Driver’s Seat

The Pope lands at an airport just in time to get to an important meeting. His limo driver speedily takes off, but the Pope needs him to go faster in order to get to his meeting on time. The Pope asks the driver to switch places so the Pope can drive.

They speedily take off again, but unfortunately, the speeding car is stopped by a cop. The police officer takes one look at the situation and radios in to police headquarters. He tells the chief that he’s got a pretty important person on his hands.

The police chief asked, “Is he more important than the mayor?”

The cop said, “Yes.”

Then the chief asked, “Is he more important than the governor?”

The cop said, “Yes.”

Then the chief asked, “Is he more important than the President?”

The cop said, “Yes.”

Finally, the chief asked, “How important can he be?”

The cop said, “I don’t know, but he’s got the Pope for a driver.”

Inspirational Posters
For The Cubicle Era

● Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

● If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos. then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

● Doing a job right the first time gets the job done. Doing the job wrong fourteen times gives you job security.

● Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

● Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

● A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

● Plagiarism saves time.

● If at first you don’t succeed, try management.

● Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

● Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.

● The beatings will continue until morale improves.

● Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

● We waste time, so you don’t have to.

● Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away.

● Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

● A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

● When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

● Indecision is the key to flexibility.

● Succeed in spite of management.

● Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

Is It Miscommunication?

This guy walks into a bar. As he walks up to the bar he notices a 12-inch man playing the piano, so he asks the bartender, “What’s that all about?”

The bartender says he will tell him later.

Then he asks the bartender for a drink, and the bartender says, “Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.”

“Okay,” says the guy. He goes to the bottle and rubs it.

Boom! Out comes a genie, who says, “You have one wish.” The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and the genie disappears.

Suddenly the man is sitting there with a million ducks all around him. He turns to the bartender and says, “Hey, I didn’t want a million ducks!”

And the bartender replies, “You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?”

It Wasn’t My Fault

The ingenuity of drivers involved in accidents, in seeking to assert their innocence, or at least excuse their errors, is apparently inexhaustible, judging from this genuine selection of excerpts from insurance claims.

 

● I consider that neither vehicle was to blame, but if either were to blame, it was the other one.

● I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.

● One wheel went into the ditch, my feet jumped from the brake to the accelerator pedal, leaped across to the other side, and jammed into the trunk of a tree.

● I collided with a stationary tramcar coming the other way.

● To avoid a collision, I ran into the other car.

● The car had to turn sharper than was necessary, owing to an invisible truck.

● After the accident, a working gentleman offered to be witness in my favor.

● I collided with a stationary tree.

● I told the other idiot what he was and went on my way.

● The other man altered his mind, so I had to run over him.

● I can give no details of the accident, as I was somewhat concussed at the time.

● I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.

● I unfortunately ran over a pedestrian, and the old gentleman was taken to the hospital, much regretting the circumstances.

● I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.

● A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.

● A bull was standing nearby, and a fly must have tickled him, as he gored my car.

● She suddenly saw me, lost her head, and we met.

● A truck backed through my windscreen into my wife’s face.

● I ran into a shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.

● I misjudged a lady crossing the street.

● Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I haven’t got.

● I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design, it ran away.

● The other car collided with mine without giving any warning of its intentions.

It’s Your Choice

● DID is a word of achievement.

● WON’T is a word of retreat.

● MIGHT is a word of bereavement.

● CAN’T is a word of defeat.

● OUGHT is a word of duty.

● TRY is a word of each hour.

● WILL is a word of beauty.

● CAN is a word of power.

Italian Mother

Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner who lives with a female roommate, Vikki.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: Dear Momma, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the sugar bowl from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read: Dear Son, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Vikki, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Momma.

Lesson of the day: Don’t lie to your mother, especially if she is Italian!

Joke Of The Day

There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him. When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, “Greenside up.”

The lady is a little confused, but doesn’t say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, “I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.” The contractor writes something down on his pad, and then walks to the window and again yells, “Greenside up!”

The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, “I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.”

The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, “Greenside up!”

The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, “Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?”

The contractor replies, “You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”

Just Couldn’t Help It

● Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

● Couldn’t learn to water ski because she couldn’t find a lake with a slope.

● Can’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won’t fit into the typewriter.

● Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said “2 to 4 years.”

● Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

● Couldn’t call 911 because there is no 11 on any phone button.

● When asked what the capital of California was; answered “C.”

● Burnt her nose bobbing for French-fries.

● Can’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.

● Hates M&Ms because they are so hard to peel.

● Got hurt while raking leaves; fell out of the tree.

● Changes the baby’s diaper only once a month because the label said “good for up to 20 pounds.”

● After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

● What goes “vroom-screech-vroom-screech-etc?” A blonde at a flashing red light.

● Two blondes are trying to get into their car using a coat hanger when one says “Hurry, it’s starting to rain and the top is down.”

Kids In Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough.

“You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.”

“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

Kids Off To College

Just in case you are not feeling old enough today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year’s incoming freshman.

 

Here is this year’s list:

 

● The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1985.

● They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

● They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

● There has been only one pope in their lifetime.

● They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.

● They are too young to remember the Challenger space shuttle blowing up.

● Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

● Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

● Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums. The expression “You sound like a broken record” means nothing to them. They have never owned a record player.

● They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

● They may have never heard of an 8-track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were two years old.

● They have always had an answering machine.

● Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV. They have always had cable.

● There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

● They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

● They don’t know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the “Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial.

 

Feeling old yet? There’s more:

 

● They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

● Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

● Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

● They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

● Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

● They have never seen Larry Bird play.

● They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

● The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.

● They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

● They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.

● They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct answer, by the way, is Ork)

● They never heard: “Where’s the beef?”, “I’d walk a mile for a Camel,” or “De plane, de plane!”

● They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

● Michael Jackson has always been white.

● Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not bands.

● There has always been MTV.

● They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.

 

Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some other old fogies; but don’t send it back to me, I feel old enough already.

Kiss Per Yard

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”

“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.

Lady At The Roulette Table

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ’Vegas. She’s down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, “I don’t know … why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 41 came up. Then she just fainted.”

Leaves Of The Book

A little boy opened the Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found!” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear.”

Lessons For Life

Twelve things it took me 60 years to learn.

 

  1. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

  2. There can be a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

  3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

  4. Never confuse your career with your life.

  5. No matter what happens in life, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

  6. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

  7. Never lick a steak knife.

  8. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

  9. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

10. Nobody can give me a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

11. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.

12. Your friends love you, no matter what.

Lessons To Be Learned
From Noah’s Ark

  1. Don’t miss the boat.

  2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.

  3. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

  4. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old someone may ask you to do something really big.

  5. Don’t listen to critics. Just get on with the job that needs to be done.

  6. Build your future on high ground.

  7. For safety’s sake travel in pairs.

  8. Speed isn’t everything. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

  9. When you’re stressed, float awhile.

10. Remember the Ark was built by amateurs, the Titanic by professionals.

11. No matter the storm, when you are with God there’s always a rainbow waiting.

Let Us Dare

● To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

● To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

● To reach for another is to risk involvement.

● To expose your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss.

● To love is to risk not being loved in return.

● To live is to risk dying.

● To believe is to risk failure.

 

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The people who risk nothing, do nothing, have nothing, are nothing.

They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.

Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

Life’s Priorities

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks right to the top, rocks about two inches in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. The students laughed.

He asked his students again if the jar was full.

They agreed that yes, it was.

The professor then picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled in the gaps.

“Now,” said the professor, “I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things — your family, your partner, your health, your children — anything that is so important to you that if it were lost, you would be nearly destroyed.

The pebbles are the other things in life that matter, but on a smaller scale. The pebbles represent things like your job, your house, your car.

The sand is everything else. The small stuff.

If you put the sand or the pebbles into the jar first, there is no room for the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your energy and time on the small stuff, material things, you will never have room for the things that are truly most important.

Pay attention to the things that are critical in your life. Play with your children. Take your partner out dancing.

There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.” Take care of the rocks first — the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just pebbles and sand.

Life’s Priorities — Enhanced Version

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar … and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous “yes.”

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions - things that if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.”

“The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job your home, your car. The sand is everything else — the small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18les of golf. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”

Little Axioms Of Life

● Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don’t have film.

● He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

● A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

● On the other hand, you have different fingers.

● Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

● Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

● Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

● She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

● You’ve the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Long Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little wrinkled-up man rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he replied. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat lots of fatty foods, and never ever take any exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “Exactly how old are you?”

“Twenty-six,” he said.

Love And Deuce

Little Johnny keeps asking his dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his dad keeps saying “No.”

After all the nagging, he agrees and says, “Okay.”

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, “Dad, what’s love, juice?”

Dad is horrified, and after looking at mom who’s also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.

Johnny now sits on the sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, “So, what is it you’ve been watching, son?”

Johnny replies, “Wimbledon.”

“Love” Is By Children

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of four- to eight-year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.

See what you think.

 

● “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”
Rebecca — age 8

● “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.”
Billy — age 4

● “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”
Karl — age 5

● “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”
Chrissy — age 6

● “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”
Terri — age 4

● “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay.”
Danny — age 7

● “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.”
Emily — age 8

● “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”
Bobby — age 7

● “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”
Nikka — age 6

● “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday.”
Noelle — age 7

● “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
“Tommy — age 6

● “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”
Cindy — age 8

● “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”
Clare — age 6

● “Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.”
Elaine — age 6

● “Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.”
Chris — age 7

● “Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”
Mary Ann — age 4

● “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”
Lauren — age 4

● “I let my big sister pick on me because my mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.”
Bethany — age 4

● “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”
Karen — age 7

● “Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”
Mark — age 6

● “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”
Jessica – age 7

Man And Woman

Woman’s perfect breakfast

● She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

● Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

● Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

● Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

● And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

Women’s revenge

“Cash, check or charge?” the cashier asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” the cashier asked.

“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.”

 

Understanding women (a man’s perspective)

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

 

Marriage seminar

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the man, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I’ll stop right here.

 

Touché

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day, 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

 

Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.

“Be careful,” he said to his wife. “You will bring out the beast in me.”

“So what?” his wife shot back. “Who is afraid of a mouse?”

 

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says “HEBREWS.”

 

A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.”

Man Exposed

● How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

● What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

● Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

● How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.

● What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They’re married.

 

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

God says: “So you would love her.”

“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”

God says: “So she would love you.”

Man Is Like An Automobile

● As it gets older, the differential starts slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad.

● The transmission won’t go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of low. Overdrive is out of the question.

● The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the slightest incline. When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one wonders if the old bus will make it to the top.

● The carburetor gets fouled with pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning. His gas fumes can kill you.

● It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. His frame has a big bow in the middle too. The thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The headlights grow dim, and the battery needs constant recharging.

● His shifter is stuck in the down position; and you can’t get anywhere that way.

● But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the primrose lane before the head gasket blows.

Man’s Best Friend Wants To Know

● Dear God, when we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

● Dear God, excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle.

● Dear God, if a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

● Dear God, is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

● Dear God, more meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

● Dear God, when we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

● Dear God, we dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

● Dear God, are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.

● Dear God, are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

● Dear God, is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can’t make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing again?

Marital Bliss

● A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world”
The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”

● “It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
“Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”
“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

● He said, “Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you really badly.”
She said, “Well, you succeeded.”

● He said, “Shall we try swapping positions tonight?”
She said, “That’s a good idea. You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.”

● He said, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”
She said, “Turn sideways and look in the mirror.”

● He said, “I don’t now why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said, “You wear pants don’t you?

● On a wall in a ladies room: “My husband follows me everywhere”
Written just below it: “I do not.”

● What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

● Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

● What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A rumor.

 

And they say blondes are dumb

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”

And they say blondes are dumb.

 

A woman’s perfect breakfast

She’s sitting at the table sipping coffee.

● Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

● Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

● Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

● Her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Marketing Communications

Over the years, people have often asked to explain the various concepts of Marketing Communications. The following analogies might help clarify the “tools of the trade.”

 

● You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.

● You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”
That’s Advertising.

● You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.

● You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.

● You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
That’s Brand Recognition.

● You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
That’s a Sales Rep.

● Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.
That’s Tech Support.

● You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
That’s Spam.

Marriage Counseling Not Needed

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”

Marriage Humor

● The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.
— Ann Bancroft

● Any husband who says, “My wife and I are completely equal partners” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.
— Bill Cosby

● Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin

● My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
— Henny Youngman

● My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

● A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
— Milton Berle

● I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

● What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
— Cindy Garner

● When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.
— Elaine Boosler

● Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

● My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
— Rita Rudner

● The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

● People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

● Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.
— Author Unknown

Maxims For The Internet Age

● Don’t byte off more than you can view.

● Fax is stranger than fiction.

● What boots up must come down.

● Windows will never cease.

● In Gates we trust.

● Virtual reality is its own reward.

● Modulation in all things.

● A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

● Know what to expect before you connect.

● Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.

● Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

Medical Problems

There’s nothing worse than a snotty doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.
We all have experienced this, and don’t you love the way this old guy handled it?

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor’s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my penis,” he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded office and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.

The doctor’s office erupted in laughter.

Mis-Translations
From All Around The World

● A sign in a Swiss hotel:
“Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.”

● A sign at a Thai donkey ride:
“Would you like to ride on your own ass?”

● In a laundry in Rome:
“Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”

● From a letter in response to an inquiry about accommodation:
“Dear Madam: I am honorable to accept your impossible request. Unhappy it is, I have not bedroom with bath. A bathroom with bed I have. I can though give you a washing, with pleasure, in a most clean spring with no one to see. I insist that you will like this.”

● A sign in a Paris hotel:
“Please leave your values at the front desk.”

● In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s:
“Drop your trousers here for best results.”

● A sign in a hotel across the street from a Russian cemetery:
“You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.”

● A sign in a Japanese hotel:
“You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”

Miss Granny’s Health

Miss Granny was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon, early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her parlor. He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. Floating in the water, of all things, was a condom. Imagine his shock! Surely Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got to him, he could resist no longer.

“Miss Granny, I wonder if you could tell me about this?” he said pointing to the bowl.

“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful?

I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know, I haven’t had a cold all winter.”

Modern Aphorisms

● Quantum Mechanics: the dreams stuff is made of.

● Support bacteria — they’re the only culture some people have.

● Televangelists: the pro wrestlers of religion.

● The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

● When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

● Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

● Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.

● If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Mom: Job Description

POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and

frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.

When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Money Isn’t Everything

● It can buy a house, but not a home.

● It can buy a bed, but not sleep.

● It can buy a clock, but not time.

● It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.

● It can buy you a position, but not respect.

● It can buy you medicine, but not health.

● It can buy you blood, but not life.

● It can buy you friends, but not love.

 

So you see money isn’t everything, and it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

CASH ONLY, PLEASE.

Moral Lesson

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

More About True Friends

● Many people will walk in and out of your life. But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

● To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

● Anger is only one letter short of danger.

● If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

● Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

● He, who loses money, loses much;
He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
He, who loses faith, loses all.

More Funny Stories

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

“Uh, I hadn’t really thought about it,” replied the stunned surgeon. “You’re the first one to ever ask that after a tonsillectomy.”

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Upon entering a little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying “DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!” posted on the door glass. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor near the cash register.

He asked the store’s owner, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep,” the proprietor answered, “That’s him.”

The stranger couldn’t help being amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me,” he chuckled. “Why in the world did you decide to post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

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A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.”

Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?’”

He replied, “The drugs are wearing off.”

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Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband. “Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband. “But I couldn’t spell convenience, so I used risk instead.”

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The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted with this triumphant announcement: “My mommy looked back once while she was driving, and she turned into a telephone pole.”

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The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”

“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “Why there are three doctors there already.”

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The expectant mother was looking for advice. She said, “Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?”

Her grandma replied, “No. I always did that.”

The young woman laughed. “That must have been before women’s liberation.”

The grandmother responded, “No, it was before we had baby bottles.”

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By the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb the fence.

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I don’t repeat gossip, so listen to me carefully the first time I tell it to you.

Moshe Reads An Arab Newspaper

A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.

“Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?”

Moshe replied, “I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!”

Motivational Thoughts

A creator of flameout is fear of failure.
Many won’t try if they are uncertain
that they can.

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A dream and a goal are not the same thing;
the goal must come
after the dream has been created.

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A goal is the crayon
that gives the dream color.

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A goal without a dream will create frustration;
goals with a dream create results.

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Acquaintance — one who likes you as long as
you do what they want you to do.

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Advice — instruction without a guarantee.

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Alone — when you find yourself
by yourself and love it.

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An obstacle is an opportunity
waiting to happen.

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Anger — internal rage that cannot be contained.

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Another creator of flameout is lack of support.
You won’t give 100% if you feel no one cares.

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Another difference between being focused
and staring is what you are looking at.

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Are you a trick or treat
to the others in your life?

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As long as one is returning to yesterday,
tomorrow will seem like a horizon
that keeps getting further and further away.

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As long as someone is “gonna do it,”
they are searching for a reason
not to get it done.

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As long as you are looking for reasons,
you will not find the answer.

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As long as you are reaching for the stars,
there is a light to guide you.

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As long as you are searching for answers
through others,
you will not know what you want.

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At some point you must stop preparing for change and just do what needs to be done.

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Attitude — the visual projection
of one’s internal thoughts and feelings.

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Be careful who you dump on;
many times those you dump on are not prepared and give it all back to you.

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Before you jump into a situation,
check your compass.

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Burnout — when the fire for what you are doing
is gone and nothing can rekindle the flame.

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Caring — giving before it was asked for.

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Change is not a part of growth; it is growth.

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Change was given to the human life
to keep you out of ruts
and keep you growing.

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Clique — a group of insecure people bound together by their insecurities and lead
by the strongest of the insecure.

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Co-dependency — the umbilical cord
that was never severed.

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Confidence — the inner belief expressed
by outer assertiveness.

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Courage — the faith that takes you
where you’ve never been before.

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Defeat — stopping the direction of my life
before I have reached the finish line.

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Determination demands direction.

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Did you know that competition is based on fear?

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Did you know you can be busy,
but not productive?

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Did you know you can quit
and still go to work each day?

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Disaster — the mess I did not clean up yesterday.

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Discipline is not something
which just happens;
it is the result of a life
that is focused and balanced.

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Disorganization is another great creator of stress; look around your life.
Any piles that need attention?

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Divorce — two people who have forgotten
why they met.

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Do you consider what you see in the mirror
to be a priceless gem?

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Do you ever have days
when people have pulled
you in so many different directions,
you are peopled out? What do you do?

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Do you have any stress in your life right now
created by your avoidance behavior?

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Don’t forget, behavior follows beliefs.

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Dreams are more than words;
they are the creator of energy.

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Dreams do not die a natural death;
they are destroyed by a lack of attention
and nourishment.

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Each is two persons:
the one that lives in front of the eyes
and the one that lives behind the eyes.

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Each of us is alone;
when you understand that fact,
you will begin to learn
one of the greatest secrets of control.

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Emotional stability — the ability to remain
in control when all around you is in chaos.

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Energy is created when one is where
they want to be.

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Enthusiasm — an underground river
that has an endless flow.

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Ethics — the rules we expect others to play by.

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Even if you know that change is necessary,
some part of you will fight it.

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Every situation in life is a gift
waiting for you to explore it.

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Everything you learn makes you a teacher
in someone else’s life.

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Failure — my judgment and feelings
concerning the events of my life.

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Failure is a pause in the journey;
defeat is a lifetime of regret.

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Failure is not easy to handle;
sometimes the difficult part is getting back up.

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Family — any unit of lives
committed to a direction.

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Fantasy — a fictional wish you say you want,
but know you cannot have.

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Fear — a prison where the prisoner holds the key.

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Flameout — when the fire for what you are doing is not out, it is just not burning
as brightly as it once did.

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Flexibility — the ability to adapt
even when it is uncomfortable.

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Focus — keeping your mental eye fixed
on your desired purpose.

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For a dream to have meaning
you must constantly check
where it is taking you.

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Freedom is knowing you are you,
not what they want you to be.

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Friend — one who not only lets you be you,
but accepts you as you are.

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Friends — the right shoe for the left foot.

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Friends are an expensive gift
one must not take for granted.

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Gamble — taking the leap
before you have done your research.

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Getting to the event
can be more stressful
than getting through it.

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Growth is not the knowledge;
it is the action
that makes the knowledge come alive.

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Have you ever gone looking
for a set of ears
and all you could find were mouths?

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Have you ever had a day that was running
so smoothly it made you nervous?

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Have you ever met yourself coming back
and did not realize you had been there yet?

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Home — a roof under which lives are developed.

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I can as long as I’m willing to try.

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I knew I couldn’t
when I realized I didn’t want to.

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I will say more to you with what I don’t say
than I will with the words I do say.

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If all you see in another
is the physical appearance,
you will never know who you met.

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If every day has to be the same,
you will soon stop having fun.

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If I am planning for tomorrow
but facing yesterday,
then where am I really headed?

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If I need you to tell me how good I am,
I won’t believe it when you say it.

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If others go with you into your personal room,
it becomes a social room.

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If others let you make excuses
for what is not happening in your life,
they are not your friend.

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If someone has to know
about your yesterday,
chances are they will not be a part
of your tomorrow.

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If someone tells you you don’t want to fail,
don’t listen; they have no knowledge of success.

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If someone wants to change you,
they haven’t taken the time to get to know you.

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If they painted a picture of the real you,
would you recognize it?

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If those around your life don’t believe failure is positive, they are not really a healthy influence.

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If what you are is who you are, you are growing.

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If what you thought was a dream
is not taking you where you wanted to go,
don’t be afraid to change it.

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If where you are is not where you want to be,
why are you still there?

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If who you are is not who you are,
you are a contradiction.

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If you are constantly taking your business room to your family room,
then the family room becomes
a garage for the business room.

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If you are fighting what you know
you should be doing,
then who is your real enemy?

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If you are not who you want to be,
are you happy with the disguise?

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If you are searching for a beginning without being willing to have an ending,
all you will find is a lack of stability.

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If you are to lead,
you must know where you are taking them.

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If you are working hard,
but not enjoying the job,
maybe it’s time
to move to your next adventure.

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If you can close your eyes and see tomorrow,
you are headed in the right direction.

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If you can do what you know
would hurt someone you say you love,
they should not be in your life.

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If you cannot relax without feeling guilty,
then maybe you’re in the wrong place.

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If you could take all the stress out of your life, you would be dead in three minutes.
Why fight it? Unless you’re ready to die!

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If you do not believe in your dream,
you will soon run out of energy
and give up working to obtain it.

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If you find yourself at a standstill,
search for what is missing.

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If you give up before you cross the finish line,
you will never know
whether you could have finished the race or not.
Hey, you will wonder about it!

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If you have ever known a time
more secure than your present,
you will go back to your yesterday and hide there.

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If you have to compromise who you are in order for someone to like you,
you don’t want them in your life.

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If you need others to motivate you,
you are empty inside.

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If you need people in your life, they will use you.

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If you offer what you do not understand,
what have you given?

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If you pretend long enough, pretense will become reality even when it isn’t.

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If you reach tomorrow
without a plan of meaning,
what will it add to your life?

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If you really want to control the stress
in your life,
stop looking for the way out
and start looking for the way through.

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If you run because of fear,
maybe you planned the wrong race.

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If you run out of energy,
it is because you forgot to fill the tank.

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If you spend more time talking about
what you are going to do,
rather than working at it,
do you really want it?

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If you try and fail, you are ahead of those
who did not try at all.

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If you try running from what you know
you need to face,
won’t you wind up
where you thought you had left?

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If you want people in your life,
they will challenge you.

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If your dream is not revisited each day,
it soon loses the urgency
it had when it was created.

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If your life was over today,
would you be happy with what you have done
or regret what you did not get finished?

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If your success is the only thing you can see,
your ego has blinded your sight.

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If your year is not what you want,
maybe it is time to change directions.

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If your year was over,
would you be happy
with what you have done so far?

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In order to accomplish your dream,
your mind must be able to see it already finished.

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In order to have friends
one must first be a friend to oneself.

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Independence is knowing you can write
your own script for life
without having to ask permission.

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Intelligence — doing what you know you should do long before it becomes necessary.

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Is your life more centered on yesterday,
today or tomorrow?
The answer shows you where your life is.

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It’s not how hard you hit the ground,
but how quickly you get up.

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Jealousy — my insecurities being taken out
on another.

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Just because someone likes you
does not mean they respect you.

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Know what is interesting;
you know what to do, so why not do it?

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Lazy — a pile of flesh looking for an excuse.

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Lazy people are always searching for reasons
and excuses.

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Leader — one who is in the midst of,
yet separate from.

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Learner — one who knows the answer
is never complete.

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Life becomes a mystery
when you stop looking at the map.

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Life is a puzzle
where many pieces almost fit;
be careful,
don’t force them
and wind up with some missing parts.

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Life makes two tapes of every event
(pain and meaning);
what you see
depends on which tape you choose to play.

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Live by your heart until it proves you wrong.

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Lonely — when you find yourself by yourself
and hate it.

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Love — the touch that adds to another’s life
because of your presence.

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Love Making — helping another experience
the meaning of oneness.

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Making mistakes is human;
not learning from them is foolish.

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Many avoid the personal room
because they do not like the person
they would have to be alone with.

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Many times illness is created
by the stress of not being willing
to face a needed decision.

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Many times the stress in the social room
is created by the fact
it is filled with the wrong people.

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Marriage — a unity of togetherness
that creates a feeling of completeness.

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Maturity — the process of becoming more
than you were yesterday.

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Mental stress can drain you emotionally
and physically — be careful.

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Mental toughness — the ability to make the tough decisions without worrying
whether they will be liked.

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Most of the opportunities you are handed
will not hit you in the face,
but will come from the sides.
How’s your peripheral vision?

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Most of your stress is created
when you do not want
to face or deal with what is.

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Most people don’t think;
they think they think.

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Most people who enter your life
do not come to offer you something,
but to see what they can take from you.

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Most people who say “be honest”
are really saying
“tell me what I want to hear.”

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No wonder many are tired at the end of their day; they have spent it searching for excuses.

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Not having enough time is not a problem;
rather, it is a symptom of a life
that is missing balance.

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Obstacle — a blind spot
in one’s pathway of growth.

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One cannot burnout until they have flamed out.

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One cannot manage until they learn how to lead.

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One difference between being focused and staring
is attention span.

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One of the beginning points of success
is the vision that you can.

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One of the causes of flameout is financial need. Don’t forget, people give energy
in direct proportion to how they feel
they are repaid.

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One of the strengths of the family room
is acceptance;
if you go there and do not feel acceptance,
there will be pressure.

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Opportunity — A spotlight that makes
the adventure possible.

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People are a gift when you are working
to understand them.

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People never enter your life by accident;
they are there because
you have been looking for them.

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People talk to hear themselves talk,
not to listen to what you are saying.

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People who work to eliminate stress
become stressful;
those who learn to control it enhance creativity.

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Procrastination is a great creator of stress,
but you would not do that
to yourself, would you?

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Pupil — one who knows when to listen.

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Quitting is not an event; it is a process.

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Relationships do not die;
they are murdered by hurting people.

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Remember, thoughts create feelings.

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Risk — doing the research
before you take the leap.

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Rust out — when you give up
before you have tried.

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Self Doubt — uncertainty
created by a lack of inner sight.

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Self esteem — liking yourself because
of what you know, not what you feel.

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Self Worth — knowing you are worth the price,
so you do not put yourself on sale.

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Share your dream with very few people;
the more people you share it with
the more negative input you will receive.

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Smart — knowing enough to know
you don’t know enough.

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Smile — the inner light
that creates an outer reflection.

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Some people feel their purpose in your life
is to keep you under pressure;
do you have any of these in your life?

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Sometimes doubt is created
by the fear of the unknown
which can paint a distorted picture.

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Sometimes the struggle at work is not the job;
sometimes it’s because you are feeding
on the wrong mental diet.

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Spectator — one who wants to learn about you
so they can tell others
what you don’t want them to know.

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Staring is forcing the mental eye
to see what is not.

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Stress can be created by you getting too much advice from those who want you to do it their way.

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Stress in any one room of your life will not stay there; it will find its way into another room.

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Stress is anything in life
that makes you uptight;
hey, that’s everyday of your life.

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Stress is created
when you are not dumping
your internal garbage can on a daily basis.

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Stress is not an event, it is a lifetime.

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Stress is not created by events,
but by our reactions to those events.

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Stress is only negative when you resist
its positive meaning.

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Stress is positive.
Does that thought make you stressful?

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Stress will always be when the family room
has been vacated by one of the occupants.

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Success — my judgment and feelings
concerning the events of my life.

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Success has a price tag
that goes with each decision;
if you cannot accept the price tag,
you will not have the success.

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Success is a plan
you work each and every day.

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Success is more than a happening;
it is a responsibility.

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Success not only builds confidence;
it also exposes fears.

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Surround yourself with others who understand
the positive nature of failure
and you have surrounded yourself with winners.

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Teacher — one who knows how to create
the arena where others want to listen.

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Team — a group of individuals bound together because they respect each other.

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Tear — the inner reservoir that overflowed.

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Tell me what I want to hear and I’ll listen;
tell me what I don’t want to hear
and I’ll question.

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The beginning of a dream is the desire
to move beyond where you have been.

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The biggest creator of Flameout
is loss of a challenge.
When there is no longer a challenge,
you will lose your stamina,
desire and creativeness.

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The choices you make
before you get to your day
create what you see
as you approach each situation.

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The difference between a dream and a fantasy
is your commitment of time,
energy and action.

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The difference between success and failure
is attitude.

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The difference between tough and challenging
is a positive attitude.

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The easiest part of success is obtaining it;
the most difficult is retaining
what you have obtained.

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The family or special person room
is the number-one room of emotional stress.

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The finish line is where you start all over again.

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The greatest knowledge you have is experience.

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The greatest lessons in life come from our failures.

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The hardest part of any situation
is not turning loose;
it is letting go.

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The human life was created to handle failure,
but not defeat.

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The largest stress room in your life
is your business room;
the stress there is mainly mental.

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The leader who walks behind the class
is really a follower.

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The leader who walks too fast soon loses the class.

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The mind never volunteers information;
it simply gives you what you ask for.

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The mirror that shows your life never lies.

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The more successful one becomes
the more conservative they also become.

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The most important room in your life
is the personal room,
that place where you go
to be alone.
Do you have one?

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The most positive part of life is change, and yes,
it is also one of the most frightening parts of life.

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The number one killer of dreams is doubt.

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The number one thing a human wants to know
is that they matter.

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The only definition the human mind has to truth
is what you tell it.

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The only time a human has a problem is
when they have stopped looking
for an alternative.

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The real joy of success is not the finish line,
but the preparation that got you there.

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The real quality of a human life
is not what you see, but what you feel.

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The second greatest hurdle you will have
to overcome this year
is becoming too scattered to focus.

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The social room was created for relaxation,
but has become the number-one room of escape.

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The things you don’t say
create the greatest pain.

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There is business out there.
Are you getting what is yours,
or are you giving it away?

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There is nothing negative about change.

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Those who can be comfortable
being with themselves understand the importance
of having others in their life.

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Those who feed you sympathy when you have failed really don’t want you to succeed.

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Those who say there is no stress in love
have never been in love.

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Those who work to make you feel guilty
want to control your life.

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To control the stress in your life
you must face what is creating it.

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Today is a mirror of
what you did with yesterday.
Are you satisfied?

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Today is the bridge that stands between
where you’ve been and where you want to go.

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Today is the course you planned yesterday.

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Today is the day created by the IRS to make sure you understand the concept of stress.

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Today is the only part of life you know for certain that you have, so use it wisely.

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Tomorrow is more than a thought;
it’s the dream you started working on yesterday.

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Tomorrow is the gift
I started unwrapping yesterday.

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True friendship can only happen when you want
the person more than you need the person.

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Until one can enjoy their own company,
they will not understand the purpose
of having others in their life.

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Until one can see where they are headed,
they will always be trying to figure out
where they are.

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What good is food for thought if you keep it
in the cabinet?

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When a life loses its focus, it also loses
its desire and motivation;
without these
life becomes a drain to all it touches.

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When change becomes your friend,
most of the events of life start making sense.

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When doubt enters the success path,
failure is the result;
if the doubt is not dealt with,
defeat is certain.

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When love is based on conditions,
it becomes a prison.

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When money becomes your best friend,
humans become an evil necessity.

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When one becomes satisfied
with who they are,
they become less than they could be.

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When one does not know how good they are,
they tend to do a better job.

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When one forgets how to play,
he or she soon becomes boring.

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When one has no dream,
they live in a world
without direction and purpose.

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When one is consistently persistent,
they will be persistently consistent.

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When one is in your life,
but does not feel a part of your life,
he or she will fight for attention.

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When one is not happy from within,
they create the pain of loneliness.

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When one is staring at life,
all they will see is problems.

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When one is staring, they have no imagination
(mental sketch pad).

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When one’s sight is clouded by doubt,
they can only see what is wrong.

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When others are writing the script for your life,
you become an actor in their play.

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When the caring stops, the relationship is over.

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When the events in your business room
are out of your control,
you will find yourself reacting
to what you feel should be done.

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When the same failure is repeated over and over,
it soon becomes defeat.

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When those who make up your family room
feel secondary in your life,
they will let you know it
by the pressure they put on you.

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When yesterday is still your today,
today will be the same as your yesterday.

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When you are at peace with yourself,
you add joy to the lives of others.

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When you are because you have to be,
you lose your creative edge.

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When you are reacting to what you think is,
you will forget everything you know to do.

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When you are too important to help others,
you have lost sight of what success really is.

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When you are with those you say
you care about,
but would rather be somewhere else,
you had better examine your feelings.

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When you become a legend
in your own mind,
you soon become a historical reference to others.

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When you can accept failure as a positive,
you can find meaning in any event.

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When you can admit that you have failed,
you have begun to turn the event around.

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When you can laugh at yourself,
you have found life’s greatest medicine.

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When you fail and start looking for sympathy,
you will find defeat.

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When you forget where you came from,
you will lose sight of where you are headed.

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When you have graduated
from the school of life,
they bury you.

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When you have respect, you have received
the highest reward one human can give another.

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When you have to spend today
finishing yesterday,
tomorrow will be frustration
before you get there.

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When you live in the middle of the road,
you get hit from both directions.

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When you love yourself,
you will look for the value in others.

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When you make excuses for others,
you give them the right to be irresponsible.

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When you need a person,
you always put restrictions on who they can be.

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When you need to be liked,
you become a puppet for others to play with.

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When you really care,
you shut up long enough to listen.

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When you run from yourself,
your best friend will always be a stranger.

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When you stop being a pupil,
you soon have nothing to teach.

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When you take the special people for granted,
they soon stop giving you their best.

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When you want a person,
you work to accept rather than change.

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When you’re ready to grow,
you’ll find the right path.

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When your business is unpredictable,
your stress level will go up.

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When your dream is your mission,
you have motivation.

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When your family room is in turmoil,
your business room will feel the pressure.

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When your success becomes final,
you are mentally and emotionally dying.

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Which one of the three
— Burnout, Flameout, or Rust out —
best describes your life?

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Why do people like you?
Is it because of your personality
or your character?

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Why spend your energy
being a carbon copy
when you are the original.

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Without a personal room
one soon has very little to offer others.

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Without your knowing it
your yesterday began your tomorrow.

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Worry — the headache I know
I’m going to have tomorrow.

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Yesterday is a room of confidence
when it is kept in the right place.

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You are only as mentally prepared
as your understanding of where you are headed.

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You become
what you have chosen to look at.
Do you like what you see?

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You can only be intimidated
when you grant
another that right.

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You can only conquer in life
what you are willing to face.

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You cannot lead another
past the point where you are.

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You cannot offer another human
what you have not experienced.

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You live in a four room stress house
— business, family, social and personal.

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You must learn
that crisis events require reserve energy that,
once used, does not replace itself.

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You must never forget that Chicken Little
reacted before her research was complete.

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You must never regret failure;
what you should regret is not trying.

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You must not forget change
was here before you were
and will be long after you are gone.

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You must remember
change will win the war
you are fighting.

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You smile with your eyes
before you ever smile with your mouth.

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You will know
when you have lost your dream;
you will wonder where you are.

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You will never see beyond the horizon
until you are sure that something is there.

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You will not understand success
until you can handle failure.

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Your day is your choice, not their fault.

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Your dreams and desires
that fill the other rooms of your life
are born in your personal room.
Do you sense the importance?

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Your mind never forgets anything;
you just don’t let it remember.

Murphy’s Laws And Other Truths

● No good deed goes unpunished.

● Leak-proof seats will.

● Self-starters will not.

● Interchangeable parts won’t.

● There is always one more bug.

● Nature is a mother.

● Don’t get over it.

● All warranties expire upon payment of the invoice.

● Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.

● Never eat prunes when you are famished.

● Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

● If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

● A short cut is the longest distance between two points.

● You will always find something in the last place you look.

● Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

● Every solution breeds new problems.

● It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

● An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

● Never argue with an artist.

● You remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck is two doors away.

● The race is neither always to the swift nor the battle to the strong.

● There’s never time to do it right, but there’s always time to do it over.

● When in doubt, mumble.

● When in trouble, delegate.

● Anything good in life is illegal, immoral, or fattening.

● It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

● Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

● Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

● A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.

● The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

● Celibacy is not hereditary.

● Murphy’s golden rule: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

● Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

● Beauty is only skin deep; ugliness goes to the bone.

● To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.

● The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

● No matter how long you shop for an item, after you bought it, it will be on sale cheaper.

● No one’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

● The other line always moves faster.

● Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.

● If you fool around with a thing for very long, you will screw it up.

● A $300 picture tube will protect a 10-cent fuse by blowing first.

● If it jams, force it.

● If it breaks, it needed repairing anyway.

● Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it.

● You can’t be too rich, or too thin.

● Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.

● The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.

● When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.

● A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

● Never eat yellow snow.

● Everybody should believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.

● Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

● Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

● In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

● Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

● A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

● If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don’t know what the hell is going on.

● If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

● In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

● Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

● Nothing is as easy as it looks.

● A penny saved is not worth very much.

● Living well is the best revenge.

● Every job will take twice as long as you expect and will be half as lucrative.

● The chances of seeing someone who knows you are dramatically increased by not wanting to be seen.

● There is no such thing as a free lunch.

Murphy’s Laws Of Combat

● If the enemy is in range, so are you.

● Incoming fire has the right of way.

● Don’t look conspicuous; it draws fire.

● There is always a way.

● The easy way is always mined.

● Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.

● Professionals are predictable; it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

● The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: (1) when you’re ready for them; and (2) when you’re not ready for them.

● Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at.

● If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

● The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

● A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

● If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

● Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

● Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.

● Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won’t be able to get out.

● Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

● If you are short of everything but the enemy, you are in a combat zone.

● When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.

● Never forget that the lowest bidder makes your weapon.

Murphy’s Laws Of IT
(Information Technology)

● When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

● When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, then it’s probably obsolete.

● The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect it.

● When the going gets tough, upgrade.

● For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction

● To err is human. To really screw things up royally requires a computer.

● He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

● A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

● The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

● A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Murphy’s Laws Of Work

● A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

● Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

● The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

● You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

● Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

● Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

● When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

● If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

● There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

● Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so many.

● Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

● Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

● Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

● To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.

● Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing.

● Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

● The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong until the next person quits or is fired.

● There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.

● The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …)

● If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

My Father — When I Was …

● 4 years old: My daddy can do anything.

● 5 years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.

● 6 years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.

● 8 years old: My dad doesn’t know exactly everything.

● 10 years old: In the olden days when my dad grew up, things were sure different.

● 12 years old: Oh, well, naturally, father doesn’t know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.

● 14 years old: Don’t pay any attention to my father. He is so old-fashioned.

● 21 years old: Him? My Lord, he’s hopelessly out-of-date.

● 25 years old: Dad knows a little bit about it, but then he should because he has been around so long.

● 30 years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he’s had a lot of experience.

● 35 years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.

● 40 years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise and had a world of experience.

● 50 years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn’t appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.

New Lingo For An Old Priest

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had “fallen.”

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe, old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

“Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen.”

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about because your wife has already fallen three times this week!”

New Words We Need

● Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn’t get it.

● Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

● Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.

● Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of obtaining sex.

● Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

● Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

● Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it’s like a serious bummer.

● Glibido: All talk and no action.

● Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

● Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.

News Headlines

● Air head fired

● Arson suspect held in Massachusetts fire

● Astronaut takes blame for gas in spacecraft

● Ban on soliciting dead in trotwood

● Bank drive-in window blocked by board

● British left waffles on Falkland islands

● British union finds dwarfs in short supply

● Chef throws his heart into helping feed needy

● Cold wave linked to temperatures

● Deaf college opens doors to hearing

● Dunk gets nine months in violin case

● Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

● Eye drops off shelf

● Hospitals are sued by seven foot doctors

● If strike isn’t settled quickly, it may last a while

● Include your children when baking cookies

● Iraqi head seeks arms

● Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

● Kids make nutritious snacks

● Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

● Local high school dropouts cut in half

● Lung cancer in women mushrooms

● Man minus ear waives hearing

● Man struck by lightning faces battery charge

● Miners refuse to work after death

● Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

● New study of obesity looks for larger tests group

● New vaccine may contain rabies

● Old school pillars are replaced by alumni

● Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over

● Plane too close to ground, crash probe told

● Prostitutes appeal to pope

● Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

● Red tape holds up new bridge

● Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted

● Sex education delayed, teachers request training

● Shot off woman’s leg helps Nicklaus to 66

● Some pieces of Rock Hudson sold at auction

● Something went wrong in jet crash, expert says

● Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

● Squad helps dog bite victim

● Steals clock, faces time

● Stolen painting found by tree

● Survivor of siamese twins joins parents

● Teacher strikes idle kids

● Two sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

● Two Soviet ships collide, one dies

● Typhoon rips through cemetery; hundreds dead

● War dims hope for peace

No Novocain Needed

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.

“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

No-Parking Zone

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

Noah’s Ark

It’s the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: “In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.

Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

“Remember,” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.

“Noah,” He shouted, “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord, please forgive me,” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

“Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.

However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.

I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don’t think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years,” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?”

“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”

AMEN.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything

Not Tonight, Adam

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, “It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.”

Adam answered, “Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, “Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, “Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I’d like you to caress Eve.”

And Adam said, “What is ‘caress’?”

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, “Lord, that was even better than the kiss!”

And the Lord said, “You’ve done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve.”

And Adam asked, “What is ‘make love’ Lord?”

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said, “Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”

Nuns At The Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Nursing Home Driving Tests

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she’s driving a car.

As she’s going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver’s license?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, “Excuse me ma’am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?”

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls, weaving all over. As she comes to the old man’s room again he jumps out. He’s stark naked and sporting an erection.

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, “Oh no. Not the Breathalyzer again!”

Ode To The Dachshund

There was a dachshund once, so long

He hadn’t any notion

How long it took to notify

His tail of his emotion;

And so it happened, while his eyes

Were filled with woe and sadness,

His little tail went wagging on

Because of previous gladness.

Oh, The Irony!

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

“How did you die?” the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death,” says the second.

“That’s awful,” says the first man. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second man. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you, how did you die?”

“I had a heart attack,” says the first man. “You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head. “That’s so ironic,” he says.

“What do you mean?” asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

Older Than Dirt Quiz

Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about! Ratings are at the bottom.

 

  1. Blackjack chewing gum

  2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water

  3. Candy cigarettes

  4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

  5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

  6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

  7. Party lines

  8. Newsreels before the movie

  9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive-6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi’s

17. Metal ice trays with lever

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Packards

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

 

● If you remembered 0-5: You’re still young.

● If you remembered 6-10: You are getting older.

● If you remembered 11-15: Don’t tell your age.

● If you remembered 16-25: You’re older than dirt!

 

Don’t forget to pass this along! Especially to all your really OLD friends … or your young children.

 

“Senility Prayer”

God grant me …
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.

On Fire!

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

 

● The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.

● The Baptists cried, “Where is the water?”

● The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

● The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

● The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.

● The Jews posted symbols on the door hoping the fire would pass.

● The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”

● The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”

● The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.

● The Christian Scientists concluded that there was no fire.

● The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.

 

The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.

One Smart Senior Citizen

The letter to the bank, shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The New York Times.

 

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached a Contact Status Application which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer; a password to access my computer is required. The password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

One-Liners

● I don’t eat snails. I prefer fast food.

● Anyone who uses the phrase ‘easy as taking candy from a baby’ has never tried taking candy from a baby.

● It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.

● Most of us can keep a secret. It’s the people we tell it to who can’t.

● People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.

● By the time we realize our parents were right, we have children who think we’re wrong.

● I have claustrophobia combined with fear of success, so I completely fell apart when I did a really good job painting the inside of my closet.

Only In America

● Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

● Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

● Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

● Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

● Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

● Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

● Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and subscribe to call waiting not to miss a call from someone we don’t want to talk to.

● Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

● Only in America do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well. ‘Poli’ in Latin means ‘many’ and ‘tics’ means ‘bloodsucking creatures.’

Oxymora

● Act naturally

● Advanced BASIC

● Airline Food

● Almost exactly

● Alone together

● American history

● Business ethics

● Butt Head

● Childproof

● Clearly misunderstood

● Computer jock

● Computer security

● Definite maybe

● Diet ice cream

● Exact estimate

● Extinct Life

● Found missing

● Genuine imitation

● Good grief

● Government organization

● Legally drunk

● Living dead

● Microsoft Works

● Military Intelligence

● New classic

● New York culture

● “Now, then …”

● Passive aggression

● Peace force

● Plastic glasses

● Political science

● Pretty ugly

● Resident alien

● Same difference

● Sanitary landfill

● Silent scream

● Small crowd

● Soft rock

● Software documentation

● Sweet sorrow

● Synthetic natural gas

● Taped live

● Temporary tax increase

● Terribly pleased

● Tight slacks

● Twelve-ounce pound cake

● Working vacation

Palmolive

A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, “Are these plates clean?”

Grandpa replied, “Those plates are as clean as Palmolive can get them, so go on and finish your meal.”

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as Palmolive can get them; now stop being so picky!”

Later that afternoon, the young man was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.

He yelled back, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me out!”

So Grandpa shouted, “Palmolive, get out of the way!”

Passion For Baked Beans

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans.

She loved them but unfortunately, they had always an embarrassing affect on her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, “He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on.”

She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work.

Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the smell of the baked beans was more than she could stand.

Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”

He then blind-folded her and led her to a chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had eaten were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in the front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously.
Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end to her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned. Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised.

There were 12 dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a “Happy Birthday.”

Perks Of Being Over 60

For those of you not yet 60, this will alert you as to what to expect. For those 60+, enjoy and weep!

 

● Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

● Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

● Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

● People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

● People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

● There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

● Things you buy now won’t wear out.

● You can eat dinner at 4 pm.

● You can live without sex but not without glasses.

● You enjoy hearing about other peoples’ operations.

● You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

● You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

● You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

● You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

● You sing along with elevator music.

● Your eyes won’t get much worse.

● Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

● You can’t remember who sent you this.

Pickup Lines

● Is it hot in here or is it just you?

● Can I have directions? (To where? To your heart.)

● If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.

● How about you sit on my lap and we’ll see what pops up?

● Do you know what’d look good on you? Me.

● I miss my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?

● So, how am I doin’?

● How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?

● Do you sleep on your stomach? (Yes/No. Can I?)

● Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?

● I lost my phone number; can I have yours?

● Do you like music? (Yes. Good, I’ve got a great stereo in my car.)

● Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. My jaw.

● Excuse me, Miss; the voices in my head told me to come talk to you.

● I didn’t know that angels could fly so low.

● We’re taking a survey and I need your phone number. If you give it to me, I’ll call you and tell you the results.

● Stand still so I can pick you up.

● Hey baby, I must be a light switch ’cause every time I see you, you turn me on.

● That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

● I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

● Can I borrow a quarter? (What for? I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.)

● Is your daddy a thief? (No. Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? Be ready with a snappy answer in case the answer is yes.)

● You’re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

● Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

● Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell everyone we did anyway.

● The word of the day is “legs.” Let’s go back to my place and spread the word.

● Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?

● That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

● My name is [your name]. That’s so you know what to scream.

● My name is [your name], but you can call me “lover.”

● Can I flirt with you?

● Your daddy must have been a baker, ’cause you’ve got a nice set of buns.

● All those curves and me with no brakes.

● If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Pissing And Moaning

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called, and that on the few occasions when it did, her pet dog always moaned the moment before.

A telephone repairman was dispatched to the scene, curious to see either a psychic dog or senile old lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house. The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing back down to the ground, the telephone man found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring, which demonstrates that some problems actually can be solved by pissing and moaning.

Pointed Observations

● It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

● Just remember, if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.

● We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

● The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

● It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

● Laughing stock: Cattle with a sense of humor.

● You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

● Latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the world’s population.

● If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

● The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

● Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

● As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

● When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Poker Game

Six retired Floridians were playing poker when Brown loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Butler looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?”

They draw straws. Miller picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”

Miller goes over to the Brown apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Miller declares: “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell him to drop dead!” says the wife.

“I’ll go tell him,” says Miller.

Polish Divorce

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him — “very quick.”

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

 

LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”

POLE: “JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.”

LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

POLE: “It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” he responded.

LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”

POLE: “No,” he replied, “we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one.”

LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”

POLE: “All my relations are in Poland.”

LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

POLE: “Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

LAWYER: “No, I mean, does your wife beat you up?”

POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”

LAWYER: “Is your wife a nagger?”

POLE: “No, she is white.”

LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”

POLE: “She going to kill me.”

LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”

POLE: “I got proof.”

LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”

POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read; it says, ‘Polish Remover’.”

Politically Correct Statements
For The 21st Century

● I’m not heavy. I’m “short for my mass.” Or maybe I’m “famine prepared.”

● Your bedroom isn’t cluttered. It’s just “passage restrictive.”

● Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”

● You’re not late. You just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”

● You’re not having a bad hair day. You’re suffering from “rebellious follicle syndrome.”

● No one’s tall anymore. He’s “vertically enhanced.”

● You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”

● You don’t talk a lot. You’re just “abundantly verbal.”

● It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”

 

And for students:

● The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenging.”

● No one fails a class anymore. He’s merely “passing impaired.”

● You don’t have detention. You’re just one of the “exit delayed.”

● These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically disinclined.”

● Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk. It’s just “closure prohibitive.”

● Your homework isn’t missing. It’s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

● You’re not sleeping in class. You’re “rationing consciousness.”

● You don’t have smelly gym socks. You have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

● You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”

● You’re not being sent to the principal’s office. You’re “going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building.”

Potential Best Sellers

● HOW TO PLEASE WOMEN by John Bobbit

● MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson

● THE ENGINEER’S GUIDE TO FASHION

● TO ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen DeGeneres

● HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

● THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman

● THE WILD YEARS by Al Gore

● AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

● CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

● DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

● DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

● EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

● EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

● FRENCH HOSPITALITY

● GEORGE FOREMAN’S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

● THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

Prayers Answered

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest asks.

They say, “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.

“You know, I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.”

“Thank you,” the woman said, “this may be the solution.”

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!”

Prison Or Work?

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn’t so bad.

 

● IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

● IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

● IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

● IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

● IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

● IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

● IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

● IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

● IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

● IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called supervisors.

● IN PRISON you have unlimited time to read email jokes.
AT WORK you get fired if you get caught.

Proud Of Family Tradition

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose — how to handle that great-uncle George who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said, “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.”

Profiting From Mistakes

“Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?” a parishioner asked his minister.

“Definitely not,” was the preacher’s answer.

“Are you absolutely certain?”

“Yes, my son, absolutely.”

“Okay. In that case, I wonder if you’d mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding last year.”

Proverbs For A Better Life

  1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.

  2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

  3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

  4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

  5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

  6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

  7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

  8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

  9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

26. Give them an inch and they take a mile.

27. Where is a will, there is a way.

Pull Over

A trooper pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “Pull over!”

“No,” the blonde yelled back, “it’s a scarf.”

Questions Without Answers

● Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

● Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

● Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?

● Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

● On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message ‘one slice’? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

● Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

● Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

● How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

● Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them? If not then what was the purpose of the bath?

● Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

● When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say “It’s all right”? It isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot”?

● Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

● In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

● If diamonds are a girl’s best friend and a dog is man’s best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

● Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren’t they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?

● How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

● Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?

● Is the real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women?

Raisin Bread

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread (on the very top shelf), he politely says to the young woman, “I’d like some raisin bread, please.”

She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself.

Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn’t placed an order yet.

Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin, too?”

“No, croaked the old man, “but it’s a’quiverin!”

Random Thoughts

Did you get these third-degree burns
while defrosting your microwave?

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For every minute
you are angry
you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

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The eyes see only
what the mind comprehends.

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On Making Money:
Don’t concentrate on making a lot of money,
but rather on becoming the type of person who people want to do business with,
and you will most likely
make a lot of money.

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Three Cs that go together:
Courage
Character
Conscience

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Don’t do for others what you wouldn’t think
of asking them to do for you.

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THE GOLDEN RULE:
Do unto others
as you would have others do unto you.

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Man is not complete until he is married;
then he is finished.

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What’s the safest way
of doubling your money?
Fold it once and put it in your pocket.

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Egotists believe in an I for an I.

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They say money talks — but usually
it just goes without saying.

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What most parents
want for their children:
Medicine was the first career choice,
teaching second, law third,
engineering fourth,
and politics LAST!

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Love:
Being totally vulnerable
with someone you totally trust.

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A framed piece of paper is nice to look at,
but not as nice as
the $500,000 it could bring in.

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Laughter is the music of the soul;
relaxation is the health of the soul.

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Beginning is winning.

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It is not so much that we die; we kill ourselves.

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You are what you eat
— so don’t eat anything white!
(salt, sugar, wonder bread)

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There are no simple solutions,
only intelligent choices.

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The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat.

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You cannot get ahead whithout getting even.

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Los malos triunfan donde
los buenos son indiferentes.
The bad ones triumph where
the good guys are indifferent.

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Nature, time and patience
are the three great physicians.

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Printer’s ink makes millions think.

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It’s okay to ask dumb questions.
They’re easier to handle than dumb mistakes.

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If you think education is expensive,
try ignorance.

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Civilizations do not give out, they give in.
In a society where anything goes,
eventually, everything will.

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You don’t really know someone
until you walk a mile in his shoes
— and by then you’re too far away
to get acquainted.

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Hell has no fury like a woman scorned.

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When pulling weeds,
make sure you also get the roots.

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The future is uncertain.
For example,
take next week:
which way will I go,
down the tube or up the creek?

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Words (not) to live by:
Advertising Age asked its readers
for updated aphorisms for the ’90s.
Some highlights:
You can’t judge a book by its book tour.
Nothing is sure but death and faxes.

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If a job’s worth doing,
it’s worth doing with someone else’s money.

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Speak softly and carry a portable phone.

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Sex to me means love, passion, lust
and the feeling of being totally secure
with one person.

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Modern times:
When you finally walk
on the sunny side of the street,
and the ozone hole gets you.

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Leftovers:
Recycled cuisine.

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If you want to be truly successful
in giving service, remember three key Es:
Increase your expertise on your subject;
be eager to share your knowledge;
and generate excitement by the manner
in which you present yourself
and the subject.

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The hardest instrument to play
is second fiddle.

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The hardest part
about putting something away
for a rainy day is finding a clear day to do it.

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You’ve got to make allowances for kids
— and as far as they’re concerned,
the more money the better.

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The easiest thing about making an honest living
is that there’s so little competition.

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The only place where success comes before work
is in the dictionary.

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Boss:
Someone who, when he wants your opinion,
will give it to you.

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Ulcers:
What you get from mountain climbing
over molehills.

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Cleaning up the kid’s room is like shoveling snow while it is still snowing.

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Would you rather be filthy rich
or immaculately poor?

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Some students drink
at the fountain of knowledge.
Others merely gargle.

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Fireproof: being related to the boss.

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There’s only one book
that really tells you
where to go on your vacation:
your checkbook.

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All the evidence shows
the economy is sluggish.
The trick will be to avoid
being among the sluggees.

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If you have what it takes,
it’s certain that someone will try
to take you for what you have.

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If you can read the handwriting on the wall,
you’re probably in a public restroom.

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If money talks,
can silence be golden?

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Anyone who believes
that the competitive spirit
in America is dead
has never been in a supermarket
when the cashier opens another checkout line.

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If gas prices keep rising,
it will take air pollution out of the reach
of the average person.

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With some of the fancy gyms,
one thing guaranteed to get slimmer
is your wallet.

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Sign on a doctor’s office door:
“Don’t get well — I’ll be right back.”

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It takes babies two years to learn to talk,
and the rest of their life learning how to shut up.

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Money can’t buy everything.
That’s why they invented credit cards.

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“Pro” is the opposite of “con.”
For example: Progress and Congress.

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Never argue with a fool.
Listeners can’t tell which is which.

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The trouble with sowing wild oats
is that often the crop
has to be threshed out in court.

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Committee:
The unwilling, selected from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary.

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You can be sure
that an optimist invented the airplane
— but a pessimist invented the parachute.

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The telephone beats the vacuum cleaner
for picking up dirt.

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A dollar goes a long way these days.
You can carry it around for weeks
before you find something it will buy.

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It’s all right
to keep your eye on the ball,
but you ought to watch out for the bat, too.

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If your economic situation is fluid,
you may be going down the drain.

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For some people
the only way to jog their memory
is to run at the mouth.

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Opportunist:
Someone who, when the world goes to the dogs, becomes a veterinarian.

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If amnesia isn’t contagious, how come
all those politicians always forget
their campaign promises as soon
as they get together in Congress?

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The four-way test
of the things
we think, say or do:
First — Is it the TRUTH?
Second — Is it FAIR to all concerned?
Third — Will it build GOODWILL
and BETTER FRIENDSHIP?
Fourth — Will it be BENEFICIAL
to all concerned?

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The winner is always
a part of the answer;
the loser is always
a part of the problem.

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The winner always has a program;
the loser always has an excuse.

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The winner says “Let me do it for you;”
the loser says “That’s not my job.”

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The winner sees an answer
for every problem;
the loser sees a problem
for every answer.

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The winner sees
a green near every sand trap.
The loser sees
two or three sand traps
near every green.

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The winner says
“It may be difficult but it’s possible.”
The loser says
“It may be possible but it’s too difficult.”

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I know now why my business
is a corporate mirage;
I simply wasn’t smart enough
to start in my garage.

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Child-rearing is an heir-raising experience.

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Smile.
It increases your face value.

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All those people with get-up-and-go.
Did you ever wish
they would get up and go?

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Ancient warfare
was fought by men
swinging clubs through fields
and shouting terrible oaths.
Same as modern golf.

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Everybody wants their ship to come in,
but not many are willing to swim out
and tow it to shore.

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Political bedfellows are so called because
they share the same bunk.

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Some people eat like a horse.
Some people would eat like cows,
but they don’t have the stomachs for it.

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Vacation:
Search for peace and quiet,
while dressing loudly.

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It’s always darkest before dawn
— and after you haven’t paid your electric bill.

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By the time we’re old enough
not to care what anyone says about us,
nobody says anything.

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Anyone who can raise enough money
to attend college these days
doesn’t need an education.

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If politics isn’t for the birds,
why are all those politicians
always parroting
the same old lines?

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What’s so new about recycling trash?
Gossip columnists
have been doing it for years.

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Style is the ability to always look good.
Fashion is the willingness
to always look foolish.

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Make somebody happy today.
Mind your own business.

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A shortcut
is often the quickest way to arrive
at a place you weren’t going to.

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Think about this for a moment:
You have a plain bar of iron
that is worth about $5.
Made into a horseshoe, it’s worth about $11.
Made into screwdrivers, it’s worth about $15.
Made into needles, it’s worth about $3,500.
The same is true of another kind of material
— you.
Your value is determined by what
you decide to make of yourself.

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The discovery of fire wasn’t such a big deal.
How about the first guy who dropped his dinner
in the fire and invented the barbecue?

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Lots of people aren’t paid
what they’re worth
… and they should be happy about it.

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By the time your ship comes in,
who knows who will be waiting
on the dock?

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The birds peck at the best fruit.

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To keep your marriage brimming with love
in the loving cup,
when you’re wrong, just admit it.
When you’re right, please shut up.

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You can’t read a book by its cover,
but you can find out a lot about a corporation
by its Chapter 11.

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Your kids are growing up
when they stop asking you
where they came from
and refuse to tell you
where they’re going.

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School phys ed clothes: Class action suit.

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It is said Rembrandt painted 700 pictures,
and Americans have all 5,000 of them.

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The three swiftest means
of communication:
telegraph, telephone, and the office grapevine.

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When you open a window,
you get fresh air.
When someone else opens it,
you get a draft.

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Holding a B.A., M.A., M.D. or Ph.D.
doesn’t guarantee a J.O.B.

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You start out wanting to be a big wheel
and end up getting tired.

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Sportsmanship:
A fishing boat.

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Cry, and you cry alone;
laugh, and your family wants to submit you
for psychiatric counseling.

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Footwear truism:
If the shoe fits, it’s the wrong style.

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When your doctor tells you
you’re as healthy as a horse,
it’s time to stop eating oat bran.

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Some people
have milestones in their lives,
and others just have millstones.

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Golf:
A game where you can lie in the sun.

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Money mad:
Dough nut.

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If something’s eating you,
you’re too low down
on the food chain.

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You can be sure the minute you start to wrestle
with your conscience
you’re going to end up having a fistfight
with your reputation.

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If clothes make the man,
why are lifeguards so popular?

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Cover charge: Electric blanket.

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Here’s a tip
for older gentlemen
who are using coffee
to increase their sexual vitality.
To make sure
you’re satisfying your partner,
use regular coffee, not instant.

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I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.

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Cut-rate Casanova:
A wolf in cheap clothing.

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Automatic teller: The town gossip.

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The world is your oyster,
but only if you have enough clams.

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How yuppies find their calling:
Phone in to their message machine.

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Did you hear about the merger
of Xerox and Wurlitzer?
They’ll be the only company
making reproductive organs.

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The best way to live on the edge is to dangle
your legs in your private pool.

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If you let a smile be your umbrella,
you won’t have to brush your teeth.

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There was a guy so dumb that,
when he saw a sign marked “Wet Floor,” he did.

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Judge not,
lest ye be punched in the mouth.

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The problem with modern bookstores:
Those books that aren’t dirty are dusty.

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Success represents only one percent of your work which results only from
the 99 percent that is called failure.

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If there really was such a thing as
a cheap politician,
our taxes wouldn’t be so high.

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Some things go without saying
… just try telling that to a gossip columnist.

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If you really want your career to be rising,
buy a bakery.

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GRIT:
Firmness of mind or spirit;
unyielding courage
in the face of hardship or danger.
Firmness; pluck;
determined spirit; indomitable courage;
invincible will; resolution.

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The real reason
mountain climbers
tie themselves together
is to keep the sensible ones
from going home.

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ON MAKING MONEY:
Don’t concentrate on making a lot of money,
but rather on becoming the type of person who people want to do business with,
and you will most likely make
a lot of money.

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Thank goodness
— technology stood by us:
The results of a survey
conducted during the 1920s:
by 1970, the entire female population
of the United States
will be employed as telephone operators.

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A photographer was taking a picture of a man
and his college-boy son.
The photographer suggested that the boy stand
with his hand on his father’s shoulder.
“It would be more appropriate,”
said the long-suffering parent,
“if he stood with his hand in my pocket.”

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Stockbroker: Risk jockey

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The difference between a tax collector and a
taxidermist is the taxidermist leaves the hide.

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Bore:
Someone you like until they talk you out of it.

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Some people put off procrastinating
as long as possible.

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There’s something new in plastic surgery:
permanent-press faces.

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Figures don’t lie
… unless they’re public figures.

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Baby boom: Birthquake.

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If you think the magic has gone out of
your marriage,
you can always pull a dissappearing act.

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The problem with a pitch is
there’s usually a catch.

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Those who most cherish the right to vote
are those who know personally
how it feels to lose it.

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The way government is spending,
no wonder they call all those laws bills.

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Maybe more politicians would have ethics if they knew where to buy them.

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With the economy the way it is,
New Orleans is thinking of changing the name
of the French Quarter to the French Dime.

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They say laughter
makes the world go round.
There sure are plenty of clowns running it.

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Politicians sure must love the great outdoors,
the way they’re always straddling fences.

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Most college students
believe in free speech.
That’s why they always call home collect.

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Marriage is when you play the game of love;
divorce is when you get the referee.

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You know you’re in trouble
when they make you pay
your hospital bill before you are admitted.

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Subtlety:
The art of saying what you think,
then getting out of range
before it’s understood.

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I think that I shall never see
a greater source of agony
than my computer, oh so smug,
sometimes I want to pull its plug.

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Into each life some rain must fall
… and usually on the weekends.

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Trying to balance a budget
is like a game of pool:
You’re behind the eight ball,
and all you see are a bunch
of open pockets.

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Of all the taxes the government imposes,
the worst is the tax on our patience.

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Plenty of people have a spark of genius
— most of them just have ignition trouble.

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It’s no disgrace to fall from grace
— unless you say, “Somebody pushed me.”

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One of the good things
about children is
that they never pull out photos
of their grandparents.

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Think how smart we would all be
if we retained as much of what we read
as what we eat.

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You know you’re getting old when,
instead of avoiding temptation,
it avoids you.

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Some corporate executives
have so much drive they should have
their licenses revoked.

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The only way some people can get on a roll
is with trainer wheels.

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Maybe those politicians
should appropriate some money
for a washing machine,
with all that dirty laundry
they’re airing.

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Tact:
When you bite the hand
that feeds you
and pretend you’re having
finger sandwiches.

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Everyone starts out
to set the world on fire
and ends up settling for
a backyard barbecue.

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Whoever coined the expression
“dirt cheap”
obviously never looked
for a lot to build a house on.

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Fiscal year:
An accounting device to postpone
the bad news a few months.

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Who cares about these “pay-as-you-go” plans.
Most of us are still paying
where we’ve already been.

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What’s the point of trying to save
for a rainy day if they keep raising
the price of umbrellas?

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Don’t be hard on your spouse.
Whaddya expect from someone raised
by your mother-in-law?

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Until Eve arrived, this was a man’s world.

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Show me a man
who gets his work done by Friday
and I’ll show you Robinson Crusoe.

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English is an odd language:
People drive on a parkway
and park in a driveway.

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Sign in an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see
what you’re looking for,
you’re in the right place.”

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If you really want to witness
a lot of self-serving people,
watch the line at a buffet table.

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Freedom of the press:
Non-wrinkle clothes.

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It can ruin a kid’s future to get a police record
… then he couldn’t run for Congress
and become a big-time crook.

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Just about the time you get on a roll,
someone else gets on a biscuit.

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It’s hard to keep your chin up when you have to keep your nose to the grindstone.

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Just when you think you’ve got the big picture, someone changes the channel.

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Toupee: Top secret.

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The government ought to appoint
a secretary of barbers,
considering all the close shaves it gets us into.

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When a doctor makes house calls these days,
he’s just looking at real estate.

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Hypochondriac:
Someone who can’t leave being well enough alone.

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Beauty parlor:
Where you go when you have
beauty pallor.

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Even a woodpecker knows
how to use his head.

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Sign in a camera store: Think negative.

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Teen-age definition of adult: A dolt.

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The best substitute for experience
is being about 16 years old.

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For some people life is a vale of tears
and for others life is a trail of beers.

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Some things in life
are bigger than money
… bills, for instance.

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George Washington
is the only president
who didn’t blame his troubles
on the previous administration.

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Most people favor the two-party system:
one on Friday night
and one on Saturday night.

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Executives:
People who never put off until tomorrow
what they can get someone else to do today.

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Leisure:
That’s the time you spend on all the jobs
you don’t get paid for.

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If oranges were blue
would we still call it orange juice?

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Platonic love
is like being invited
down to the wine cellar
for a glass of soda pop.

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The best way to get back on your feet
is to miss a couple of car payments.

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There must be something to evolution,
otherwise why would so many parents
go ape over their kids’ behavior.

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By the time you learn to behave yourself,
you’re too old to do anything else.

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The art of conversation is tricky;
it’s a short distance from “more ironic”
to “I’m moronic.”

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If you over-charge on your credit cards,
maybe it’s time for some plastic surgery.

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To prehistoric man,
health clubs were sticks of wood
to fend off predators.

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If these are the times that try men’s souls,
isn’t it time to convict the heels?

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Have you ever noticed that,
whenever somebody gives you a snow job,
you’re the one left to shovel it up?

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Some people are men of letters.
Others are just bulk-rate postage.

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All things come to those who wait,
but by then you’ve forgotten what you wanted.

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In this fast-paced world,
the only people with time on their hands
are watchmakers.

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Fire sale:
That’s where, if the salesman doesn’t sell
you something, he gets fired.

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The main reason this is a country
on the move is that nobody
can find a parking space.

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Spendthrift:
Someone who thinks a nest egg is for the birds.

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Virtue may be its own reward, but so is vice.

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Usually by the time a person says,
“To make a long story short,” it’s too late.

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If governments are supposed
to orchestrate the affairs of the country,
then congressmen must be
the wind instruments.

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Character is how you behave
when nobody is looking.

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People used to be judged by know-how.
Now it’s know-who.

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If you’re unlucky in love,
there are other fish in the sea.
But who wants to hug scales?

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You know it’s going to be a bad day
when you wake up looking like the photos
on the post office wall.

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Now that women are active in all fields
of the work force,
ranchers don’t have cowboys anymore;
they have cow persons.

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Isn’t it strange that,
just about the time the magic
goes out of a marriage, the tricks begin?

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Being led out to pasture wouldn’t be so bad
if they didn’t give you all that bull
when they did it.

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Depression is when your ship finally comes in
and it’s a dinghy.

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Even Adam and Eve argued about
who wore the plants in the family.

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How come every sales pitch is either
a fast ball or a curve?

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When it comes to sun tanning,
ignorance is blisters.

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Cosmetics: Face-saving device.

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College students
prefer shirts with stripes,
ties with dots, and letters with checks.

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Every man should get married
… then he wouldn’t blame everything
on the government.

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Recreation:
Getting exhausted on your own time.

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Politicians ought to learn the difference
between showing horse sense
and being as stubborn as a mule.

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The best thing about an education is
that it lets you be confused about everything
on a more sophisticated level.

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All the world’s a stage
and everybody wants to be
behind the scenes.

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The trouble with modern apartments is
that the walls are too thin
when you try to sleep
and too thick when you try to listen.

gc

Experience may be the best teacher,
but it gives you the test first
and the lesson second.

gc

The trouble with today’s individualists is
that they are getting too hard
to tell apart.

gc

The only person
who will bend over backward for you
is a contortionist.

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The best kind of dog is the hot dog;
it feeds the hand that bites it.

gc

There are plenty of UFOs in Washington:
unprincipled federal officials.

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If all birds of a feather
did was flock together,
they wouldn’t need
the bottom of their cages cleaned.

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In some hotels, you can get bed and board
for one low price.
That’s because the bed and the board
are the same thing.

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Nowadays,
people who are looking for a free lunch
want it delivered, too.

gc

You’re getting old when you begin to regret
all the times you actually listened
to your conscience.

gc

An optimist:
Someone who gets evicted,
has his furniture put out on the street,
then opens a sidewalk cafe.

gc

Class reunion:
That’s where you meet people
who used to be
the same age as you.

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Most people like to buy things
on the installment plan.
They put a little money down
and then stall them for the rest.

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For some people love is a precipice.
For others it’s a bluff.

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Either writers ought to put
more fire into their movie scripts or vice versa.

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Some people
still throw themselves into their work;
divers, for instance.

gc

They ought to open
a congressional kissing booth.
All they’re good at is lip service anyway.

gc

Without love life has no purpose
Without trust life has no chance.

gc

So what if George Washington never told a lie?
He never played golf
or had to file income tax, either.

gc

We all have to pay the piper
— particularly when the plumbing springs a leak.

gc

Some people get brainstorms,
but most of us are fair to partly cloudy
with scattered showers.

gc

If God had meant man to fly,
He would have made it easier to get to the airport.

gc

When the chips are down,
you might as well get the dip out, too.

gc

Most folks think
the way to rise above the crowd
is to be full of hot air.

gc

Congress passes plenty of laws
that have teeth to them.
The problem is, they’re dentures.

gc

Lots of people save something for a rainy day,
but politicians have slush funds.

gc

Maybe no two snowflakes are alike,
but most snow jobs seem pretty much the same.

gc

Money isn’t everything,
but it’s the best substitute for credit.

gc

When you find money growing on trees,
you know that there’s been
some grafting going on.

gc

You know you’ve reached middle age
when your weight lifting
consists of standing up.

gc

Time may be a great healer,
but it certainly isn’t a beautician.

gc

There’s no need to put your best foot forward
as long as you drag the other one.

gc

Budget:
Living within your means
and without everything else.

gc

If you build a better mousetrap,
some rat will try to copy it.

gc

An evil we are familiar with is better
than a good we don’t know.

gc

Remember:
Politicians who promise pie-in-the-sky
are planning to use your dough.

gc

There’s no substitute for experience
— unless, of course, it’s being a teenager.

gc

People with kids know
mother is the necessity of intervention.

gc

They’ve now invented solo wrestling for people
who need to get a grip on themselves.

gc

The reason politicians have such
far-reaching vision is because
hot air makes you rise.

gc

Many people
worry a lot today about tomorrow because they didn’t worry a little yesterday
about today.

gc

A kiss is a reminder that
two heads are better than one.

gc

Never fall for a tennis player.
“Love” means “nothing” to them.

gc

What’s the point of living in the past
if you have to pay today’s prices?

gc

It used to be you could read someone
like a book.
Now you just watch them like a video.

gc

The best way
to lose your offspring’s attention
is to say,
“When I was your age …”

gc

Some people are flexible.
They can put either foot in their mouth.

gc

Opportunity has to knock,
but all temptation has to do is
stand outside and whistle.

gc

If you think a dollar doesn’t go far,
just try to get one back.

gc

They say
women are smarter than men,
but have you ever seen a man
wearing a shirt
that buttons in the back?

gc

People who rock the boat
shouldn’t try to convince everyone
there’s a storm at sea.

gc

So what if money talks?
It’s impossible to hold on to it long enough
to have a conversation.

gc

The quickest way to lose your shirt is
to put too much on the cuff.

gc

There’s nothing wrong
with having nothing to say
as long as you don’t say it out loud.

gc

There are a lot of things in life
more important
than money.
But it takes money to buy them.

gc

Some people read self-help books,
but on Wall Street
they read help-yourself books.

gc

You’re an egotist if you think
everyone is entitled
to your own opinion.

gc

Our parents
warned us we would turn out rotten.
Now our children agree.

gc

Ignorance is like concrete:
the longer it sets, the harder it gets.

gc

There’s no point in looking
for the key to success.
They’re using combination locks now.

gc

The surest way
to have the last word
is to apologize.

gc

What this country needs
is some cheap ice
to go along with all the cheapskates.

gc

Too many captains steer a boat
up a mountainside.

gc

Korean proverb on conciliation:
“Can one spit on a smiling face?”

gc

Korean proverb
on the rewards for honest toil
(particularly important in a country
where six-day weeks are the norm):
“Work like a dog, eat like a lord.”

gc

Korean proverb on being realistic:
“Don’t stare up a tree you can’t climb.”

gc

Korean proverb:
Both outhouses
and in-laws are better
the farther away they are from us.

gc

Korean proverb:
The best things come to those who wait.

gc

All the talk going around
about the high cost of living
is just propaganda
put out by people who eat.

gc

Anyone who thinks
there’s plenty of room at the top
has a lot to learn about pyramids.

gc

The venturer’s creed for success:
Identify a PROBLEM
and offer an effective, inexpensive SOLUTION.

gc

Egotism is that certain something
that enables man in a rut
to think he’s in the groove.

gc

A lot of folks don’t know what’s cooking
until the pot boils over.

gc

Middle age:
When you still have a lot on the ball
but you’re too tired to roll it.

gc

Somebody ought to tell those guys
on Wall Street there’s a difference
between carving out
your success and chiseling it.

gc

People who are waiting for their ship to come in should realize it takes more than
one bag of wind to fill the sails.

gc

Most people don’t want to answer
when opportunity knocks
because they’re afraid it might be relatives.

gc

Do you ever feel like life is a car wash
and you’re going through it on a bicycle?

gc

We all know that into every life
some rain must fall,
but nobody told us about the mud puddles.

gc

One reason computers can do more work
than humans is that they never have to stop
to answer the telephone.

gc

Every dog may have its day,
but chances are he’ll sleep right through it.

gc

The word amen,
one of the most frequently used
of all religious words,
originated in Egypt around 2500 B.C.
The Egyptian word amun
meant “hidden one,”
and was the name of the Egyptians’ highest deity.

gc

Just because
there are other fish in the sea
doesn’t mean you can get one
to nibble your line.

gc

Sign in a bakery:
“Because of inflation, the name of
pumpernickel bread has been changed
to pumperdime.”

gc

The Caesarean section
was not named for Julius Caesar.
Legend linked it to him because
he was believed to have been
delivered abdominally.
In fact, Caesarean comes from the ancient
lex caesarea or “law of incision,”
which specified such delivery when a mother
died close to term.

gc

Can’t get away for a vacation?
Just tip every third person you meet
and you’ll get the same feeling.

gc

If truth is beauty,
why are there so many rich plastic surgeons?

gc

Success is relative.
The more success, the more relatives.

gc

The only one who really looks distinguished
with a pipe is a plumber.

gc

There’s nothing wrong
with being a model spouse
— as long as you don’t come unglued.

gc

Life is largely semantics.
For example,
bank robbers steal money,
politicians appropriate it.

gc

Make somebody happy today.
Mind your own business.

gc

The man
who invented the eraser
had the human race pretty well sized up.

gc

Sure, it’s lonely at the top
— but it beats waiting in line.

gc

Pessimist:A groan man.

gc

What’s so bad
about jumping to conclusions?
It’s better than crawling to them.

gc

Marriage is proof
that people can take a joke.

gc

The reason golf is so popular is
because it’s the only game
where you keep your own score.

gc

People wouldn’t need to save face
if they didn’t go around sticking it
in other people’s business.

gc

If you look at the world
through too many rose-colored glasses,
you’ll end up seeing red.

gc

Lots of people are self-made,
but not everyone reads
the instructions for assembly.

gc

It’s funny how people
who insist on giving you
food for thought
always offer so many helpings.

gc

Ever notice how
when something’s tailored to your needs,
you end up getting taken to the cleaners.

Random Tidbits

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry’s bar?”

gc

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a “Curse” he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”

gc

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. “Give me one last request, Dear,” he said.

“Of course, John,” his wife said softly.

“Six months after I die,” he said, “I want you to marry Joe.”
“But I thought you hated Joe,” she said.

With his last breath, John said, “I do!”

gc

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, “Am I the first man you ever made love to?”

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. “You might be,” she says. “Your face looks familiar.”

gc

Man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”

The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”

The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?”

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

Reading Woman

For women who read — and those who would argue with them.

 

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota.

The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking “isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

 

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

Redefining Words

● abdicate, v — to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

● balderdash, n — a rapidly receding hairline

● bustard, n — a very rude Metro bus driver

● carcinoma, n — a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog

● coffee, n — a person who is coughed upon

● esplanade, v — to attempt an explanation while drunk

● flatulence, n — the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

● gargoyle, n — an olive-flavored mouthwash

● lymph, v — to walk with a lisp

● marionettes, n — residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor

● negligent, adj — describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie

● oyster, n — a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions

● semantics, n — pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest’s prayer book together just before vespers

Rejected Hallmark Cards

So your daughter’s a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

she’s a really good lay.

 

My tire was thumping

I thought it was flat.

When I looked at the tire

I noticed your cat. Sorry.

 

You had your bladder removed

and you’re on the mends.

Here’s a bouquet of flowers

and a box of Depends.

 

Happy Vasectomy!

Hope you feel zippy.

’Cause when I had mine

I got real snippy.

 

Heard your wife left you.

How upset you must be.

But don’t fret about it

she moved in with me.

 

Your computer is dead.

It was once so great.

Don’t you regret installing

Windows 98?

 

You totaled your car

and can’t remember why.

Could it have been

that case of Bud Dry?

Relative Of Yours

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws.”

Repaint! Repaint!

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

Restroom Signs

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men.
— Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, Delaware

 

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
— Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, Illinois

 

If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
— On the wall in the men’s restroom at a height of 6 feet; O’Ryan’s Irish Pub, Ashland, Oregon

 

Beauty is only a light switch away.
— Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina

 

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
— Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts

 

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
— Armand’s Pizza, Washington, DC

 

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
— Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

 

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
— The Irish Times, Washington, DC

 

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
— The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

 

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
— Men’s room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

 

To do is to be. — Descartes
To be is to do. — Voltaire
Do be do be do. — Frank Sinatra
— Men’s restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona

 

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
— Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona

 

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
— Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona

 

Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married!
— Women’s restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

 

God is dead. — Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. — God
— The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC

 

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
— Revolution Books, New York, New York

 

A woman’s rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
— Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

 

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn’t it be better if he had invested?
— Men’s restroom, American University, Washington, DC

 

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
— Men’s restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, DC

 

Express Lane: Five beers or less
— Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix, Arizona

 

You’re too good for him.
— Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, California

 

No wonder you always go home alone.
— Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, California

Retiree Jokes

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have a suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

 

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”

Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day, so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”

 

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the ship watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.” The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”

 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: “Watch that wall!”

 

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.

She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

 

Now, I think you’re supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10 … oh hell, send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Then something is supposed to happen - I think.

Saddam’s Missing Relatives

Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known Hassan family members are coming to the attention of the authorities.

 

Among the brothers:

Sooflay

the restaurateur

Guday

the half-Australian brother

Huray

the sports fanatic

Sashay

the gay brother

Kuntay & Kintay

the twins from the African mother

Sayhay

the baseball player

Ojay

the stalker/murderer

Gulay

the singer/entertainer

Ebay

the Internet czar

Biliray

the country music star

Ecksray

the radiologist

Puray

the blender factory owner

Regay

the half-Jamaican brother

Tupay

the one with bad hair

 

Among the sisters:

Lattay

the coffee shop owner

Bufay

the 300 pound sister

Dushay

the clean sister

Phayray

the zoo worker in the gorilla house

Sapheway

the grocery store owner

Ollay

the half-Mexican sister

Gudlay

the prostitute

 

And finally: There is Oyvay.
But the family doesn’t like to talk about him much.

Saving A Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of this northern university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience. Father O’Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.

“Wellll,” he says, in a fine Irish brouge, “Ey wint oot into th’ wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Catechism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi’ me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, the saints be praised, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, “WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle … WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An’ jus like you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God’s HOOOOLY word.”

They both look down at the rabbi who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

The rabbi looks up and says, “Oy! You don’t know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures.”

Senior Citizens Beat Inflation

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor’s office.

The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”

The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple had finished the doctor said, “There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and he charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”

The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60; the Hilton charges $78; we do it here for $32 and I get back $28 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.”

Seven Wonders Of The World

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.” Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids

2. Taj Mahal

3. Grand Canyon

4. Panama Canal

5. Empire State Building

6. St. Peter’s Basilica

7. China’s Great Wall.

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list.

The girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.”

The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.”

The girl hesitated, then read, “I think the ‘Seven Wonders of the World’ are:

1. To see

2. To hear

3. To touch

4. To taste

5. To feel

6. To laugh

7. And to love.”

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous!

A gentle reminder: The most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

Shades Of Grey

One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

The little girl looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, “Momma, how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”

She Was Sooo Blonde That …

● She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

● She thought a quarterback was a refund.

● She tripped over the cordless phone.

● She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

● She told someone to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk.”

● She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

● At the bottom of the application where it says “Sign here”, she wrote Sagittarius.

● If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.

● When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

● She got an AM radio. It took her nine months to figure out that she could use it at night.

● When she saw the sign in front of the YMCA, she said, “Look! They spelled Macy’s wrong.”

● She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said, “Concentrate.”

● Why can’t blondes take coffee breaks? They’re too hard to re-train.

● What do you call nine blondes in a circle? A dope ring.

● Why can’t blondes be pharmacists? Because they can’t figure out how to fit the bottle in the typewriter.

● What’s the definition of eternity? Four blondes at a 4-way stop.

● Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes? “Toe goes in first”.

 

And the best one for last:

 

● What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? “Oh look! Donut seeds.”

Sherlock Holmes In Heaven

Sherlock Holmes stood at the Gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awaiting his turn.

“I’ll let you in,” said St. Peter, gesturing toward the heavenly throngs behind him, “if you’ll tell me who among these was the first mortal.”

“Elementary, my dear St. Peter,” said the great detective, “he’s the one without a bellybutton.”

Shhhhh!

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, “Religion?” The man says, “Methodist.” St. Peter looks down his list, and says, “Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. “Religion?” “Baptist.” “Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

A third man arrives at the gates. “Religion?” “Jewish.” “Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.”

The man says, “I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?”

St. Peter tells him, “Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they’re the only ones here.”

Signs That Childhood Is Over

● Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn’t do it anymore.

● Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun.

● The average ten-year-old doesn’t have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.

● Being bad is no longer cool.

● You have friends who have kids.

● Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

● You are taller than the slide at the McDonald’s playland.

● Your parents’ jokes are now funny.

● You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson’s Thriller.

● You would rather wear your dirty clothes again because mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.

● Naps are good.

● You have once deemed Space Invaders as ‘The best game ever.’

● When things go wrong, you can’t just yell, ‘Do over!’

● You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

● Your idea of fun parties now include Chips ‘n’ Salsa and Snapple.

● You leave concerts and ball games early to beat the crowd.

● You want clothes for Christmas.

● You don’t want a Corvette because of the insurance premiums.

● You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

Signs That You Were Impacted
By The ’90s

● Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

● The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

● You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.

● You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”

● You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.

● You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

● You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

● You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your email buddies via a web page.

● You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

● You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

● You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

● You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

● You now think of three espressos as “getting wasted.”

● You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

● Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.

● Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her website.

● Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

● Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a jpeg file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

● Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.

● Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.

● You’re reading this.

Signs You Have Chosen
A “No Frills” Airline

● They don’t sell tickets. They sell chances.

● All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

● Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

● You can’t board the plane unless you have the exact change.

● Before you take off, the flight attendant tells you to fasten your Velcro.

● The captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

● When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

● The captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

● You ask the captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

● No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

● You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

● All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Singing In Church

A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.”

The pastor shouted out, “Cross!”

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, “The Old Rugged Cross.”

The pastor hollered, “Grace!”

The congregation began to sing, “Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound.”

The pastor said, “Power!”

The congregation sang, “There is Power in the Blood.”

The Pastor said, “Sex!”

The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing, “Precious Memories.”

Sins Of Omission

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?”

A small girl replied, “Aren’t those the sins we should have committed, but didn’t?”

Sister, Got Milk?

There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890s whose worn-out body began to surrender.

Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day to relax her.

However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined.

But her mother superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the milk three times a day.

Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour.

As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
“Oh, yes,” she replied. “Never sell that cow!”

Six Old Ladies

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time, my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager and asked if he knew there are six ladies lying naked on the front lawn?

“Yes,” he said. “They are retired prostitutes and they’re having a yard sale.”

Smart Ass Answers

Smart-ass Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

 

Smart-ass Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

 

Smart-ass Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well, I got here as fast as I could.”

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

 

Smart-ass Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads ‘Low Bridge Ahead!’

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Some Improvements In Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in Hell?”

Satan replied, “Hey, things are great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God exclaimed, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.”

“No way,” replied Satan. “I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God threatened, “Send him back up here now or I’ll sue!”

Satan laughed and answered, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Some Wintry Thoughts

At Degrees
Fahrenheit

60

California residents put on sweaters
(if they can find one).

50

Miami residents turn on the heat.

45

Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.

40

You can see your breath.
California residents shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesota residents go swimming.

35

Italian cars don’t start.

32

Water freezes.

30

You plan your vacation to Australia.

25

Ohio water freezes.
California residents weep pitiably.
Minnesota residents eat ice cream.
Canadians go swimming.

20

Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.
New York City water freezes.
Miami residents plan to vacation further south.

15

French cars don’t start.
The cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10

You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5

American cars don’t start.

0

Alaska residents put on T-shirts.

-10

German cars don’t start.
Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15

You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
Arkansas residents stick tongue on metal objects.
Miami residents cease to exist.

-20

The cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
Minnesota residents shovel snow off roof.
Japanese cars don’t start.

-25

Too cold to think.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-30

You plan a two-week hot bath.
Swedish cars don’t start.

-40

California residents disappear.
Minnesota residents button top button.
Canadians put on sweaters.
Your car helps you plan your trip south.

-50

Congressional hot air freezes.
Alaska residents close the bathroom window.

-80

Hell freezes over.
Polar bears move south.
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game.

 

AND AT:

-90

Lawyers put their hands into their own pockets.

Something To Ponder

Sometimes you just have to put things in perspective
The following is something to ponder.

 

● If you woke up this morning with more health than illness you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

● If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

● If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

● If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world.

● If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace you are among the top 8% of the world’s wealthy.

● If your parents are still alive and still married you are very rare, even in the United States.

● If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

● If you can hold someone’s hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God’s healing touch.

● If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing; someone was thinking of you, and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all.

 

Have a good day, count your blessings, and pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.

Sports Commentator Comments

Here are some comments made by sports commentators that I’m sure they would like to take back:

 

● Weight lifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

● Ted Walsh — Horse Racing Commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

● Grand Prix Race Announcer: “The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back.”

● Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

● Ringside Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing — but none of them really that serious.”

● Baseball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

● Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

● At a trophy ceremony, BBC TV Boat Race 1988: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the Cox of the Oxford crew.”

● Metro Radio, College Football: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

● US Open TV Commentator: “One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?”

St. Peter And The Blonde

Some ecclesiastical gentlemen - a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others - were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.

He finally arrived, but as they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.

A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.

The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?

St. Peter smiled and told him: “While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.”

State Mottos

● Alabama: Yes, we have electricity.

● Arizona: But it’s a dry heat.

● Arkansas: Litterasy ain’t everthing.

● California: As seen on TV.

● Colorado: If you don’t ski, don’t bother.

● Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, only dirtier and with less character.

● Delaware: We do like the chemicals in our water.

● Florida: Ask us about our grand kids.

● Georgia: We put the “Fun” in fundamentalist extremism.

● Hawaii: Haka tiki mou sha’ami leeki toru. (Death to mainland scum, but leave your money.)

● Idaho: Potatoes and Neo-Nazis. What more could you ask for?

● Illinois: Please don’t pronounce the “s.”

● Indiana: Two billion years tidal wave free.

● Iowa: We do amazing things with corn.

● Kansas: Where science don’t mean shit.

● Kentucky: Five million people. Fifteen last names.

● Louisiana: We’re not all drunken Cajun wackos. But that’s our tourism campaign.

● Maine: We’re really cold, but we have cheap lobsters.

● Maryland: A thinking man’s Delaware.

● Massachusetts: Our taxes are lower than Sweden’s (for most tax brackets).

● Michigan: First line of defense from the Canadians.

● Minnesota: 10,000 lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 mosquitoes.

● Mississippi: Come feel better about your own state.

● Missouri: Your federal flood relief tax dollars at work.

● Montana: Land of the big sky, the Unibomber, right-wing crazies, and very little else.

● Nebraska: Ask about our state motto contest.

● Nevada: Whores and poker.

● New Hampshire: Go away and leave us alone.

● New Jersey: You want a ##$%##! motto? I Got yer ##$%##! motto right here.

● New Mexico: Lizards make excellent pets.

● New York: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to an attorney …

● North Carolina: Tobacco is a vegetable.

● North Dakota: We are one of the 50 states.

● Ohio: At least we’re not Michigan.

● Oklahoma: Like the play, only no singing.

● Oregon: Spotted owl. It’s what’s for dinner.

● Pennsylvania: Cook with coal.

● Rhode Island: We’re not really an island.

● South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We didn’t actually surrender.

● South Dakota: Closer than North Dakota.

● Tennessee: The educashun state.

● Texas: Si, hablo ingles. (Yes, I speak English.)

● Utah: Our Jesus is better than your Jesus.

● Vermont: Yep.

● Virginia: Who says government stiffs and slackjaw yokels don’t mix?

● Washington: Help! We’re overrun by nerds and slackers.

● Washington DC: Wanna be mayor?

● West Virginia: One big happy family. Really!

● Wisconsin: Come cut our cheese.

● Wyoming: Where men are men and sheep are scared.

Staten Island Ferry

This guy loved Staten Island, but wasn’t crazy about the ferry.
If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted street of lower Manhattan.

One day when he spotted the ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t put up with an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised, but safe on deck.

He got up and brushed himself off, and proudly announced to a bystander. “Well, I made that one, didn’t I?”

“Sure did,” came the reply. “But if you had waited for a minute or two, the ferry would have been docked.”

Stimulation

The sixth-grade teacher presents the following question to her students: “Which body part enlarges itself ten times through stimulation?”

No one answers until Katie angrily says, “You shouldn’t ask six-graders such question. I will tell my parents; they will talk to the principal; and he will fire you.”

The teacher ignores her and repeats her question: “Which body part enlarges itself ten times through stimulation?”

Little Katie is baffled. Then she addresses her classmates sitting near her: “Our teacher will be in big trouble.”

The teacher continues to ignore her and asks the class, “Who knows the answer?”

Eventually, Jimmy stands up, looks around nervously, and says, “The body part that enlarges itself ten times through stimulation is the pupil.”

The teacher praises him and says to Katie, “I want to tell you three things, young lady. First, you have a dirty mind; second, you did not do your homework; and third, one day you will be very disappointed.”

Strange Way To Die

A jealous husband comes home early from work to see if his wife has another man in their 20-story high-rise apartment.

He storms into the kitchen; no one there. He storms into the den; no one there. He storms into the bedroom; he looks under the bed he looks behind the curtains; he searches the closet; no strange man to be found.

He goes out onto the balcony and looks down on a terrified man hanging by his fingers. His suspicions are confirmed so the jealous husband steps on the man’s fingers to make him drop.

The terrified man holds on for dear life. The jealous husband then jumps up and down on the man’s fingers and he still maintains his grip. The husband finally grabs a hammer and smashes the man’s fingers causing him to drop 20 floors.

His fall is broken by tree limbs and bushes. The jealous husband, filled with super-human fury, picks a freezer up over his head and tossed it over the balcony railing.

The freezer hit the man squarely on the head, killing him instantly.

The jealous husband promptly had a heart attack and keeled over, dead.

 

Three men were standing at the pearly gates, anxious to tell St. Peter the strange manner in which they died.

St. Peter said that he’s heard them all and doubts he’ll be surprised.

The first guy tells St. Pete, “I was innocently exercising on the balcony of my 21st story apartment when I suddenly fell over and barely caught the edge of the balcony below me. A second later, an enraged man rushed out and stomped on my fingers, trying to get me to fall. In desperation, the angry man smashed my fingers with a hammer, my fall was broken by branches and finally a freezer landed on my head.”

St. Pete agrees that this is a strange way to die.

The second guy says, “I burst in on my wife to catch her cheating on me. I rushed out to the balcony and sure enough, I see a strange man hanging from the balcony. I stomped on the guy’s fingers but to no avail. I finally get a hammer and smash the guy’s fingers and he drops only to survive the fall. Enraged beyond reason, I grab a freezer, toss it over the balcony and kill the guy who just fell. A second later, I have a fatal heart attack and here I am.”

St. Pete agrees that this is indeed a strange way to die.

The third man explains, “I was hiding bare-assed naked in a freezer and I froze to death.”

Strong Medicine For The Nun

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.

While he is waiting in the doctor’s reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor’s office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

Pat goes into the doctor’s office and says to the doctor, “I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse.”

The doctor says: “I just told her that she is pregnant.”

Pat exclaims: “Oh my, is she?”

The doctor responds: “No, but it sure cured her hiccups.”

Subject: Letter To The IRS

Note: Sometimes a story comes along that needs no polishing or enhancement to make it better. This is one of those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of the 1995s’ weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

 

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents

I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.

Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive.

It’s only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem?

Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP’ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal.

Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.

She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.

“Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here’s the good news. You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me. It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her “R’s.”

It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.

There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of “nests” in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

 

Yours truly,

 

Bob

 

(Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)

Success Comes Through
Self-Improvement

Gotthold Ephraim Lessing tells the story of the dissatisfied horse that asked the gods for longer, thinner legs, a neck like a swan, and a saddle that would grow upon him as a part of his body. Admiring all these separate appendages of beauty, the horse longed to incorporate them all within himself.

Straightaway the obliging gods changed him into a creature embodying all the new features. But desirable as they had appeared separately, the entire assembly struck terror into the horse, for he found that he had been changed into an ugly camel.

“There now,” said the gods, “you have been granted your wish, and they shall continue with you all your life as a reminder to you that a horse should be thankful for what he is.”

The lesson is, it is better to improve what you have than to wish for what you have not.

Superlatives

“I Am the Greatest!”

If it’s the longest, largest, biggest, oldest, dearest, or greatest thing around, it’s superlative and fit for the Superlative Bowl. There are no runners-up here.

A champion must be crowned. The greatest must rise to the top. Are you ready for some superlatives?

 

Q: What is the longest story ever told by one human being?

A: Charles Schulz’s story of Peanuts. Schulz, the son of a Minnesota barber, gave Snoopy, Charlie Brown, and the rest of the Peanuts gang life for almost half a century, from October 1950 to February 2000. According to Robert Thompson, a professor of popular culture at Syracuse University, that makes his saga arguably the longest story ever told by one person. The Peanuts comic strip, which appeared in 75 countries, 2,600 papers, and 21 languages every day, made Charles Schulz very rich. By some estimates, Mr. Schulz earned about $30 million to $40 million annually. Yet he refused to stop drawing. He announced his retirement only after being diagnosed with colon cancer, and even then, he never did retire. His “goodbye” Sunday strip appeared on February 13, 2000, the morning after he died in his sleep.

 

Q: What did Mr. Schulz think of the name Peanuts?

A: He hated it. His publishers forced it on him after legal tangles with the L’il Abner folks required abandoning the strip’s original name: L’il Folks. Schulz once said, “I was very upset with the title, and still am.”

 

Q: What is the largest nonprofit scientific and educational institution in the world?

A: The National Geographic Society, based in Washington, D.C. The organization dates to 1888, when its founders resolved that the society be organized “on as broad and liberal basis in regard to qualifications for membership as is consistent with its own well-being and the dignity of the science it represents.” Today, about nine million people subscribe to the society’s yellow-bordered magazine.

 

Q: What subject featured in National Geographic led to what insiders called the magazine’s biggest ever response?

A: The Vietnam Veterans Memorial, featured in the magazine’s May 1985 issue.

 

Q: Who won the competition to design that memorial?

A: Maya Ying Lin, a landscape architect and sculptor from Athens, Ohio. She was 21 and a student at Yale when she conceived the idea of creating a park within a park instead of the usual monumental edifice. Her V-shaped black granite wall reflects the surrounding trees, lawns, monuments, and people. More important, inscribed on the wall are the names of the more than 58,000 Americans killed in the war. Ms. Lin said, “The names would become the memorial.” They did, starting on Veterans Day 1982.

 

Q: National Geographic fans will know this one. Which is the world’s longest mountain range?

A: The Andes. Those South American mountains stretch for some 5,500 miles and dominate the geography of seven countries. Set elsewhere, they would stretch from San Francisco to London.

 

Q: What was the biggest real-estate deal in history?

A: President Thomas Jefferson’s “Louisiana Purchase.” The territory, which was bought from Napoleon in 1803, doubled the size of the United States, including land for the future states of Louisiana, Missouri, Arkansas, Iowa, North Dakota, South Dakota, Nebraska, Oklahoma, and parts of Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, and Minnesota. All told, the purchase added some 828,000 square miles to the growing United States for the bargain price of $15 million, or about three cents an acre.

 

Q: Who was the oldest woman in the world?

A: Jeanne Louise Calment was born in Arles, France, on February 21, 1875. She died on August 4, 1997 at the age of 122. According to The Guinness Book of World Records, those 122 years represent the oldest fully authenticated age to which any human has ever lived. She rode her bike until she turned 100. And she could rival Thomas Jefferson in making real estate deals. In 1965, when she was just 90 years old, Ms. Calment sold her apartment on contingency to a 47-year-old lawyer, who promised to pay her roughly $500 a month until she died. After that, he’d own the apartment. Yet she kept on living, and he kept on paying, until he died in 1995. Her comment: “In life, one sometimes makes bad deals.” She also said, “I’ve only got one wrinkle, and I’m sitting on it.”

 

Q: What subject did Ann Landers say brought more mail than any other she ever featured in her column?

A: Snoring. There are rumors that a close second involved whether a roll of toilet paper should be dispensed from over the top or under the bottom.

 

Q: Ronald Schiller, writing in Reader’s Digest, once remarked, “It is easy to use, so readily available that we take it for granted. Yet it is civilization’s most important document.” What was Mr. Schiller talking about?

A: The calendar.

 

Q: A prominent philosopher, David Hartman, once asked a prominent journalist, Nat Hentoff, “What has been mankind’s greatest achievement?” What was Mr. Hentoff’s answer?

A: “Due process,” said Hentoff. “Right,” said Hartman.

 

Pretty good answers? The calendar is the foundation of our sense of time, and due process is the foundation of our system of justice. But what do you think? What is civilization’s most important document? What has been humanity’s greatest achievement?

Supermarket Encounter

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.

A lady cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.”

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his “barracks door.” He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When he reached her counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”

The lady thought for a moment and said, “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”

T-shirt Messages

● I Fought The Lawn And The Lawn Won
(Around a picture of dandelions)

● So Few Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me

● I Suffer Occasional Delusions Of Adequacy

● God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends

● If They Don’t Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’t Going

● At My Age, I’ve Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All … I Just Can’t Remember It All

● My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

● I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

● A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
(Worn by a pregnant woman)

● If It’s Called Tourist Season, Why Can’t We Hunt Them?

● Senior Citizen: Give Me My Damn Discount

● Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

● No, It Doesn’t Hurt

● If You Can Read This, My Wife Fell Off
(On a well-tattooed gentleman)

● I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We’re OK Now
(On the back of a passing motorcyclist)

● My Governor Can Beat Up Your Governor
(Over the outline of the state of Minnesota)

● Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came. I Saw. I Did A Little Shopping

● What If The Hokey Pokey Is Really What It’s All About

● I Didn’t Climb To The Top Of The Food Chain To Be A Vegetarian

● Yale Is Just One Big Party
(On the front)
With A $25,000 Cover Charge
(On the back)

● Coffee, Chocolate, Men … Some Things Are Just Better Rich

● Liberal Arts Major … Will Think For Money

● Growing Old Is Inevitable. Growing Up Is Optional

● IRS — Be Audit You Can Be

● Gravity … It’s Not Just A Good Idea. It’s The Law

● Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

● The Old Pro … Often Wrong … Never In Doubt

● If At First You Don’t Succeed, Skydiving Isn’t For You

● Old Age Comes At A Bad Time

● In America, Anyone Can Be President. That’s One Of The Risks You Take

● First Things First, But Not Necessarily In That Order

T-shirts With Attitude

A Washington Post columnist runs a column each summer listing interesting t-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach.

 

● I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

● On the front: 60 is not old. On the back: If you’re a tree.

● I’m still hot. It just comes in flashes.

● At my age, “getting lucky” means finding my car in the parking lot.

● My reality check just bounced.

● Life is short, make fun of it.

● I’m not 50. I’m $49.95 plus tax.

● Annapolis - A drinking town with a sailing problem.

● Physically pffffffft!

● Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

● I’m not a snob. I’m just better than you are.

● It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans.

● Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

● Keep staring. I may do a trick.

● We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

● Dangerously under-medicated.

● My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it’s gone.

● Every time I hear the word “exercise,” I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

● Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.

● Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.

Take Time

Take the time to play,

it is the secret of eternal youth.

 

Take the time to read,

it is the source of knowledge.

 

Take the time to make friends,

it is the way to happiness.

 

Take the time to laugh,

it is music to the soul.

 

Take the time to think,

it is the source of action.

 

Take the time to give,

life is too short to be selfish.

 

Take the time to work,

it is the price of success.

Tax Deduction

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

“Why don’t you people leave me alone?” the deli owner said. “I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?”

“It’s not your income that bothers us,” the agent said. “It’s these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife.”

“Oh, that,” the owner said smiling. “I forgot to tell you, we also deliver.”

Ten Reasons To Come To Work Naked

  1. Your boss is always yelling, “I wanna see your ass in here by 8!”

  2.You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

  3. “I’d love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.”

  4. People stop stealing your pens after they’ve seen where you keep them.

  5. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

  6. Gives “bad hair day” a whole new meaning.

  7. No one steals your chair.

  8. No one asks you to get a file from the file cabinet.

  9. In the company lunch room, you don’t have to stand in line very long.

10. You have a place to carry extra doughnuts.

Ten Ways To Blow It In A Relationship

What do you do when you’ve attracted a lovely person into your life and now you’re terrified you’re going to blow it? Or, terrified it’s going to end?

Arm yourself with the following strategies, and you’re sure to blow it in a relationship right from the start.

 

  1. Assume the person is your soul mate immediately upon meeting or shortly thereafter. Look for signs that faith has brought you together and be amazed by the correlations in your lives.

  2. Forget about your life, your friends, your self-care. When you have a soul mate, why would you need a life outside of the relationship?

  3. Reveal everything, and test your partner with your worst behavior. Let it all hang out. After all, if this is truly your soul mate, he or she will love you no matter what.

  4. Have sex right away. If you are meant to be together for a lifetime, you might as well get started on the fun part right away.

  5. Ignore anything about your partner that does not mesh with your values, lifestyle, or belief system. True love can conquer such insignificant differences.

  6. Do lots of drama together. Job, family, and life crises are great ways to establish a relationship and test whether or not you are meant to be together.

  7. Spend as much time together as possible. When it’s true love, you can’t bear to let your partner out of your sight.

  8. Ignore behavior that crosses your boundaries or hurts your feelings. It’s true love, so it’s ok.

  9. Lavish a huge amount of attention on your partner or expect a huge amount of attention to be lavished on you. How else would you act if you finally found your soul mate?

10. Push the relationship forward and demand that it go deeper, in spite of where your partner is emotionally. You have the right to have the relationship be exactly how you want it to be and your soul mate owes you that.

 

If you want some insurance that your new relationship has every chance of making it,

 

● Be honest.

● Be communicative.

● Be clear about your needs and boundaries.

● Be a good listener.

 

On the other hand, your relationship may end no matter what you do. But being in fear it will end actually makes the end more likely. To eradicate this fear, let go of the attachment that the person you are with be THE right person. Simply be with him or her one day at a time.

Thank You For This Food

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before a big dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited … and waited.

After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

The Age of Dinosaurs

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are three million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

The Atheist
And The Loch Ness Monster

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

The Best Female Comebacks

● Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

● Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

● Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

● Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

● Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

● Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

● Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

● Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

● Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

The Cannonball Act

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day, the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was dejected. The strongman asked him what he was going to do. Replied the husband, “This is a disaster. I don’t know where I’m going to find another woman of her caliber.”

The Case Of The Lost Helicopter

A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Heavy cloud cover and haze prevented the pilot from determining the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, prepared a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said, “WHERE, AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in the window. Their sign said, “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.”

The CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”

“Well,” says the CIA man, “You’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened.

The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“No,” the CIA man replied, “you don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Now they’re down to the woman left to test.

Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.

“We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”

The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, and then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

The Cost Of Brain

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It’s an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, “Well, how much does a brain cost?”

The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: “Why is the male brain so much more?”

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”

The Dachshund

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, “Okay, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard. “That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, “Where’s that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.”

 

Sometimes if you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with B.S.

The Driver, The Priest,
And The Lawyer

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and gave him a ride.

A ways down the road the driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck to steer directly toward the lawyer. Then he remembered, “I have a priest in the truck. I can’t run down this lawyer,” and at the last second he swerved to miss the lawyer.

But he heard a thump outside anyway. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didn’t see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, “Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.”

And the priest said, “Don’t worry son, I got him with my door.”

The Fable Of Being Shoveled Upon

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.

Then, to everyone’s amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up. Shake it off and take a step up!

 

Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.

The Five Qualities
That Make For Success

● First, Integrity: You may seem to succeed for a while without it, but ultimately you end in failure.

● Second, Industry: The industrious person with modest natural equipment gets ahead of the lazy person with superior brains.

● Third, Intelligence: Natural intelligence varies greatly from person to person, but it may be sharpened or stunted by one’s mental habits.

● Fourth, Knowledge: The man who becomes successful is always learning; he never thinks of his education as complete when he receives his diploma.

● Fifth, Courage: The type of courage which means taking responsibility and sticking to one’s opinion; the type which enables one to fight on under discouragement; the type that implies integrity, industry, intelligence and knowledge.

The Golf Ball

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked.

The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.

“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

“Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s okay,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?”

The other guy replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back — no problem.”

Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says the other guy, “you see, this ball is fluorescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

The other guy replies, “I found it.”

The Grapevine

The California Raisins weren’t the first to “hear it through the grapevine.” Information, usually gossip, has been transmitted that way for a long time. Just how long has the grapevine been in use?

Since 1850. In that year, a rich deposit of silver known as the Comstock Lode was found in Nevada. That gave birth to a mining town, Virginia City, where fantastic fortunes were made.

To aid in communication, a telegraph line was strung between Virginia City and Placerville, California. In many places, the wires were attached to trees and swaying trees stretched the wire until it lay in loops on the ground. Those lines resembled California’s wild grapevines.

The line was quickly dubbed the grapevine telegraph.

During the Civil War, soldiers picked up the term and shortened it to the grapevine.

The Guys’ Side Of The Story

Finally, here we have the guys’ side of the story. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note: These rules are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

 

  1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

  1. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

  1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

  1. Crying is blackmail.

  1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.

  1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

  1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

  1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

  1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

  1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

  1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

  1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

  1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

  1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

  1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

  1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

  1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

  1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

  1. If you ask a question you don’t want us to answer, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

  1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

  1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

  1. You have enough clothes.

  1. You have too many shoes.

  1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

  1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

 

Pass this to as many men as you can — to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can — to give them a bigger laugh!

The Hikers

One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.

Joe prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times.

Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river.”

Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, and then walked across the bridge.

The Hug

No moving parts, no batteries.

No monthly payments and no fees;

Inflation proof, nontaxable,

In fact, it’s quite relaxable;

Can’t be stolen, won’t pollute,

One size fits all, does not dilute.

It uses little energy,

But yields results enormously.

Relieves your tension and your stress,

Invigorates your happiness;

Combats depression, makes you beam,

And elevates your self esteem!

Your circulation it corrects

Without unpleasant side effects

It is, I think, the perfect drug:

 

May I prescribe, my friend, … The HUG!

(And, of course, it’s fully returnable!)

The Institution Called Marriage

In 1882 the US Congress adopted the Edmunds Act, outlawing polygamy. It seems silly; there are so few women who can afford more than one husband it hardly seems worth legislating.

Here are a few observations regarding the institution of marriage.

 

● There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again.
— Clinton Eastwood, Jr.

● Courtship brings out the best.
Marriage brings out the rest.
— Cullen Hightower

● There is a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.
— James Holt McGavran

● Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage,
he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.
— Helen Rowland (1876–1950)

● Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
— Julius Henry “Groucho” Marx (1890-1977)

● Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: The one promises happiness,
doubtless the other assures it.
— Mark Twain (1835-1910)

● Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet.
— Mae West (1892-1980)

The Interview With God

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

“So you would like to interview me?” God asked.

“If you have the time,” I said.

God smiled. “My time is eternity. What questions do you have in mind for me?”

“What surprises you most about humankind?”

God answered …”That they get bored with childhood; they rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.”

“That they lose their health to make money … and then lose their money to restore their health.”

“That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live in neither the present nor the future.”

“That they live as if they will never die, and die as though they had never lived.”

God’s hand took mine and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked … “As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to learn?”

“To learn they cannot make anyone love them. All they can do is let themselves be loved.”

“To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.”
“To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.”

“To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in those they love, and it can take many years to heal them.”

“To learn that a rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.”

“To learn that there are people who love them dearly, but simply have not yet learned how to express or show their feelings.”

“To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it differently.”

“To learn that it is not enough that they forgive one another, but they must also forgive themselves.”

“Thank you for your time,” I said humbly.

“Is there anything else you would like your children to know?”

God smiled and said, “Just know that I am here … always.”

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.

The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?”

The Jewish samurai just smiled and said, “Circumcision is not meant to kill.”

The Man Who Thinks He Can

If you think you are beaten, you are.

If you think you dare not, you don’t.

If you’d like to win, but think you can’t,

It’s almost a cinch that you won’t.

 

If you think you’ll lose, you’ve lost;

For out in the world we find

Success begins with a fellow’s will.

It’s all in the state of mind.

 

If you think you’re outclassed, you are;

You’ve got to think high to rise.

You’ve got to be sure of yourself

Before you can win the prize.

 

Life’s battles don’t always go

To the strongest or fastest man.

But sooner or later the man who wins

Is the man who thinks he can.

The Mule, The Monkey, And The Man

God created the mule, and told him, “You are mule. You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years.”

The mule answered, “To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.”

And it was so.

Then God created the dog and told him, “You are dog. You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.”

The dog responded, “Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.”

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, “You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”

The monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.”

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.”

The man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.

And it is so.

The Oldest Profession

There was a doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist sitting around late one evening, and they got to discussing which was the oldest profession.

The doctor pointed out that according to Biblical tradition, God created Eve from Adam’s rib. This obviously required surgery, so therefore that was the oldest profession in the world.

The engineer countered with an earlier passage in the Bible that stated that God created order from the chaos, and that was most certainly the biggest and best civil engineering example ever, and also proved that his profession was the oldest profession.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, and with a sly smile responded, “Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?”

The Oldster

A little old man shuffled slooooooowly into an ice cream parlor, pulled himself slooooooowly, painfully up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”

“Nope,” he replied, “arthritis.”

The Paradox Of Our Time

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but not better things.

We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more data and produce more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring a message to you, and a time when you can choose either to share the message’s insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a cent.

Remember, to say, “I love you” to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

 

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

  1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her.

  2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

  3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

  4. Enjoy the simple things.

  5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

  6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

  7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

  8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

  9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

 

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

The Pearly Gate Is Gone

St. Peter was manning the Pearly Gate when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven’s door, St. Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to God breathless and said, “They’re gone!”

“What? All of the New Yorkers are gone?” asked God.

“No!” replied St. Peter. “The Pearly Gate.”

The Poker Game

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, “Father Murphy, were you gambling?”

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then said, “No, officer, I was not gambling.”

The officer then asked the minister, “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?”

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, “No, officer, I was not gambling.”

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?”

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, “With whom?”

The Positive Side Of Life

● Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.

● How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.

● Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

● Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.

● Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?

● Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

● If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

● You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

● Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

● Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.

● We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors — but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

● A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

● Have a great day, and know that someone who thinks you’re great has thought about you today!

The Priest And The Politician

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

“You will understand,” he said, “the seal of the confessional can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss’s wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to a fine parish full of understanding and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to give his talk.

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”

The Princess And The Frog

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues, along the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

A frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said: “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined on repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, “I don’t think so.”

The Problem With Bats

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One of them said, “You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with them flying bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to scare them off.”
Another pastor said, “Yes, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they won’t go away.”

The third pastor said, “I baptized all mine, made them members of the church, and we haven’t seen one back since.”

The Sillier The Stuff

Just remember when you read this … the sillier the stuff you laugh at, the more intelligent you are.

 

● Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

● Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive.”

● A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

● Two peanuts walk into a really rough bar, and one was a salted.

● A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”

● A dyslexic man walks into a bra …

● A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

● “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The green, green grass of home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “It’s not unusual.”

● Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly,” I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

● An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

● Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

● A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”

● Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I’m pretty sure it’s Colin.

● I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

● I went to the butcher’s the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

● A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t; I’ve cut off your arms!”

● I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

● Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

● What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

● Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, “Is the bar tender here?”

The Six Cornerstones
To A Happy Marriage

  1. It is important to find a man who works around the house and occasionally cooks and cleans.

  2. It is important to find a man who works and makes good money.

  3. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.

  4. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn’t lie.

  5. It is important to find a man who’s good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

  6. It is then extremely important that these five men never meet.

The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?” One man stepped forward. “Aye, Captain, I know how to pray.”

“Good,” said the captain, “You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We’re one short.”

The Surgeons

Three surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, “I’m the best surgeon in the land. A concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I reattached them, and eight months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”

One of the others said, “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident; I reattached them, and two years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics.”

The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he’s president of the United States.”

The True Origin Of The Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called ‘Amazon Dot Com.’

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “eBay” he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“YAHOO,” said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

The Wisdom Of
The Man Of The House

● “Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.”

● “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”

● “Marge, don’t discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.”

● “If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”

● “To alcohol! The cause of — and solution to — all of life’s problems!”

● “I want to share something with you — the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, “Cover for me.” Number two, “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three, “It was like that when I got there.”

● “Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.”

● “Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how drunk you get.”

● “Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”

● “We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you?”

There Was No One Left

First they came for the Communists, and I did not speak up because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak up because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the Catholics, and I did not speak up because I was not a Catholic.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak up because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me.

Pastor Martin Niemöller (1892-1984)

Victim of the Nazis

Things Dogs Must Try
To Remember

● The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

● I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

● I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

● I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

● I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

● I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

● I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

● When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

● We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

● The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom and dad’s laps.

Things My Mother Taught Me

● My Mother taught me LOGIC.
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

● My Mother taught me FAITH.
“Because I told you so, that’s why.”

● My Mother taught me MEDICINE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

● My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD.
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job”

● My Mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on. Don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

● My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE.
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don’t talk back to me.”

● My Mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

● My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

● My mother taught me about SEX.
“How do you think you got here?”

● My mother taught me about GENETICS.
“You are just like your father.”

● My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

● My mother taught me about the WISDOM OF AGE.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

● My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

● My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when we get home.”

● And my all time favorite, my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you will have kids. I hope they turn out just like you. Then you’ll see what it’s like.”

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

● To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.

● Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.

● A coincidence is when God performs a miracle and decides to remain anonymous.

● Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.

● Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

● Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.

● Following the path of least resistance is what makes rivers and men crooked.

● Life is 10% of what happens to you, and 90% of how you respond to it.

Things To Ponder

● Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as “4s”?

● Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

● How come abbreviated is such a long word?

● How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

● How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t grow in it?

● If “con” is the opposite of “pro,”, then what is the opposite of progress?

● If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, why are there locks on the doors?

● If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

● If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

● If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

● If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

● If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

● If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

● Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

● What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

● What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

● Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

● Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

● Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

● Why are they called “stands” when they are made for sitting?

● Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

● Why do “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

● Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

● Why do “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

● Why do they call it a TV set, when you only get one?

● Why do tug boats push their barges?

● Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

● Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

● Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

● Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?

● Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

● Why do you press harder on the remote control button when you know the batteries are dead?

● Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

● Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

● Why is bra singular and panties plural?

● Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light?”

● Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

● Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

● Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

● Light travels faster than sound. That’s why people appear bright until you hear them speak.

● Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: “If you see me running, try to keep up.”

● Don’t you think it’s unnerving that doctors and lawyers call what they do “practice”?

● A closed mouth gathers no feet.

● Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is naive spelled backwards? Think about it.

● The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.

● A wizard worked in a modern factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot. This continued until he put up the following effective sign: This Parking Space Belongs To The Wizard. Violators Will Be Toad.

Things You Would Never Hear
A Redneck Say

● I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

● Duct tape won’t fix that.

● Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.

● Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.

● We don’t keep firearms in this house.

● Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?

● You can’t feed that to the dog.

● I thought Graceland was tacky.

● No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

● Wrestling’s fake.

● Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

● We’re vegetarians.

● Do you think my gut is too big?

● I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

● Honey, we don’t need another dog.

● Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?

● Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

● Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

● Spittin’ is such a nasty habit.

● I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

● Trim the fat off that steak.

● Cappuccino tastes better than Espresso.

● The tires on that truck are too big.

● I’ll have the Arugula and Radicchio salad.

● Unsweetened tea tastes better.

● Would you like your fish poached or broiled?

● My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

● I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

● Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

● Checkmate.

● She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

● Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

● Hey, here’s an episode of Hee-Haw that we haven’t seen.

● I don’t have a favorite college team.

● Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

● You all.

● Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin’ tonight.

Think About It

● The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

● It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

● Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

● It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

● If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

● If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

● If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

● Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

● If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

● Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

● Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

● The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

● A closed mouth gathers no foot.

● I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

● Diplomacy is the art of saying “good doggie” while looking for a bigger stick.

● Before you criticize anyone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

● If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

● The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

● Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

● A dropped wrench will always end up exactly ½ inch beyond your reach.

Thinking About Men?

● If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section. Buy a dog.

● If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you. Buy a dog.

● If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says it is not quite as good as his mother made it. Buy a dog.

● If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want. Buy a dog.

● If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn’t give a hoot about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies. Buy a dog.

● If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores. Buy a dog.

● If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn’t care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually. Buy a dog.

● But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, then my friend, buy a cat!

 

(You thought I was talking about men, didn’t you!)

Thirteen Points Dealing With Love And Friendship

  1. I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you.

  2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won’t make you cry.

  3. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.

  4. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

  5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can’t have them.

  6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

  7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

  8. Don’t waste your time on a man/woman who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.

  9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.

10. Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened.

11. There are always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust the next time around.

12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.

13. Don’t try so hard; the best things come when you least expect them to.

Three Eggs And $100

An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and 100 $1 bills.

He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, “Why?”

The wife replied that she hadn’t wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.

The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.

She replied, “Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1.”

Three Funny Stories

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee. Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

She asked, “Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, and then finally replied, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Oh good!” the blonde sighed in relief. “Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

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A man with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for medical treatment.

“What happened?” asked the doctor.

“Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the football game on TV,” began the man. “She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron.”

The doctor nodded, “But what happened to the other ear?”

“Well, no sooner had I hung up,” said the man, “when the same guy called again.”

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One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do it.

The first man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and ability to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength, ability, and intelligence to cross this river.” And Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, and then walked across the bridge.

Three Men And Their Experiences

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a bar in Ohio. One man was from Michigan, one from Florida and one from Pennsylvania. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.

The guy from Michigan began by saying: “I told my wife in no uncertain terms that from now on she would have to do her own cooking. Well, the first day after I told her, I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home from work, the table was set, a wonderful dinner was prepared with wine and even dessert.”

Then the man from Florida spoke up: “I sat my wife down and told her, that from now on she would have to do her own shopping, and also do the cleaning. The first day I saw nothing. The second day I saw nothing. But on the third day when I came home, the whole house was spotless, and in the pantry the shelves were filled with groceries.

The fellow from Pennsylvania was married to an enlightened woman from the Pittsburgh area. He sat up straight on the bar stool, pushed out his chest and said: “I gave my wife a stern look and told her, that from now on she would have to do the cooking, shopping and housecleaning. Well, the first day I saw nothing. The second day I still saw nothing. But on the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

Tidbits

To “give the cold shoulder” is a figurative expression meaning to snub a person.
But during the Middle Ages in Europe it had a more literal meaning.
Hosts served guests who overstayed their welcome a platter of cooked but cold beef shoulder. After a few of those dishes, even the most persistent guest was supposed to be ready to leave.

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The two greatest tests of character: poverty and wealth.
The rich are different from you and me. They hire someone
to ride their exercise bikes for them.

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Science has invented so many food substitutes that we’ve forgotten what the originals were.

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Love is like fine wine: First it goes to your head
and then it goes to your wallet.

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If you think money grows on trees,
just try paying for something
with a bunch of leaves.

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If all birds of a feather did
was flock together,
you wouldn’t need so much newspaper
for the bottom of the cage.

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Lots of people have open minds.
The problem is,
the opening is their mouth.

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Did you know …
To be called an iceberg,
a chunk of ice must measure at least
50 feet in length by 17 feet in height.
If it is smaller it is called a growler.

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Most people miss their calling because they can’t hear it over their complaining.

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Maturity:
That state in which, instead of being
full of promise, you’re full of excuses.

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Mind your manners, or somebody will.

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Beware of backslappers
— they’re probably trying to make you
cough something up.

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Convincing argument:
One in which your opponent cons you
without your vincing.

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It’s easier to live up to a good name
than to live down a bad reputation.

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Lots of reporters can break a story;
the trick is putting it together again.

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The whole country’s jumping out of the frying pan and into the microwave.

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The easiest way to keep up with the Joneses is to wait until you meet them on their way back down.

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Life is just an eternal struggle
to keep one’s earning capacity
up to one’s yearning capacity.

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It’s not important where you stand
… as long as you’re still standing.

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There’s a difference between pulling your own weight and throwing it around.

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One good thing about the computer age:
We can be wrong
at astonishingly faster speeds.

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I give my love without reservation
without question
without the need to doubt
with all my heart
with complete trust
with faith
with hope
with charity.
That is the only way I can
because that is the only way
I understand love.

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Close only counts in love and horseshoe.

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Some people come home to unwind;
other people come home to unravel.

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When making your mark in the world,
watch out for the people with erasers.

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If you keep going around in circles,
maybe it’s because
you’re cutting
too many corners.

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People who wake up and smell the coffee
are lucky someone else is making it.

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Maybe the grass looks greener
on the other side of the fence
because they take care of it over there.

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The only people who have time to rock the boat are those who aren’t rowing.

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The worst part about paying as you go
is you never seem to get anywhere.

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Prejudice is an unwillingness
to be confused by the facts.

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If you don’t learn anything
from your mistakes,
there is no sense in making them.

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The highest tuition in the world
is for the school of experience.

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All things come to the other person
if you sit down and wait.

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When you are arguing with a fool,
make sure that he or she
is not similarly occupied.

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Politicians are like restless sleepers.
First they lie on one side,
and then on the other.

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If you make a better mousetrap,
people who need money
will beat a path to your door.

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If ignorance is bliss, an intelligence test
is certainly a waste of time.

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Patience:
The willingness to listen to the other person
tell you his troubles
before you tell him yours.

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The sum of the parts
can be greater than the whole
… like when you’re trying to repack a suitcase.

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It’s too bad you can’t go to the school of experience on a scholarship.

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People who get carried away with themselves
don’t have far to walk back.

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A career woman:
One who thinks bringing home the bacon
is a lot more interesting than frying it.

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He that lives on hope
has but a slender diet.

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Wall Street exercise: Rolling in money.

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The kids are reading a lot of mystery books
in school these days
… like algebra and trigonometry.

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Never make the same mistake twice.
There are too many new ones to try out.

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Upper crust:
A lot of crumbs held together by dough.

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The child who knows the value of a dollar
will usually wind up asking for two.

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The hardest part about knowing
right from wrong
is deciding which to do.

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Even if the world is your oyster,
you’ve still got to pry open the shell yourself.

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Man does not live by bread alone
… that’s why he’s always getting
into a jam.

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The best way to stand
on your own two feet is to
stop making payments on your car.

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With some people,
the only time you care
for their company is if they own it.

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Some people never do anything on time
… except to buy things.

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Most people like the two-party system
… as long as they’re not both
on the same night.

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Beware of people who slap you on the back.
They’re probably just trying to get you
to cough up something.

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When things start coming your way,
make sure it’s not because you’re traveling
on the wrong side of the street.

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It’s not facing the music that hurts
… it’s having to listen to it.

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Sign in store:
“We buy junk. We sell antiques.”

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By the time you finally stop and smell the roses, somebody’s just spread out
the fertilizer.

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What’s so special about being
“wise as an owl?”
They stay up all night and they’re always
putting themselves out on a limb.

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Expert:
Someone who would if he could
but he can’t, so he tells those who already can
how they should.

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Compromise:
The art of all parties giving a little
until everyone’s dissatisfied.

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Success is to always have more answers
than people have questions.

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Two wrongs don’t make a right,
but three lefts will.

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Investing tip:
Put all your money in taxes
… they’re sure to go up.

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If there’s anything
to this supply and demand stuff,
how come there’s an overabundance
of free advice?

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You’re never too old to learn
… but that’s no reason
to keep putting it off.

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If people really do profit
from their mistakes,
most of us
have a great future ahead.

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When people say don’t ever change,
they mean don’t do it
in front of open windows.

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The best labor-saving device:
A bad back.

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Anyone who thinks money grows on trees
will have a hard time
getting out of the woods.

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Cosmetics:
Products used by teenagers
to make them look older sooner,
and by their mothers
to make them look younger longer.

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Lots of people know
how to get in there and dig
… but the trick is to not throw any dirt
while you’re doing it.

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Some people have their feet planted firmly
on the ground
… and others just move like it.

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What a wonderful country it is we live in.
People come here
to make an honest living
and they hardly have any competition.

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When the beast is brought out in a man,
it’s usually a jackass.

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Familiarity breeds attempt.

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Minds are like TV sets.
When they go blank,
it’s best to turn off the sound.

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Most of us would be better off
if it weren’t for the extravagance
of our neighbors.

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A smart person only believes
half of what he hears.
An intelligent person knows which half.

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Build a system
that even a fool can use,
and only a fool will want to use it.

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It’s not how much it costs,
it’s how much you save.
(And how far
your creditworthiness reaches.)

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If at first you don’t succeed,
try reading the directions.

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You could say that
a person wearing a toupee
is living under an assumed mane.

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Cocktail party:
Where sandwiches and acquaintances
are cut into small pieces.

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Modern art lesson:
If it hangs on the wall, it’s a painting;
if you have to walk around it,
it’s a sculpture.

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A lot of people want a place in the sun,
and then complain of heat rash.

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One thing a man can do that lower animals can’t
is stand upright in front of a crowd
and put both feet in his mouth.

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At one time everybody thought
the world was flat.
Then they decided it was round.
Today we all know that it’s crooked.

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Children are like mosquitoes
… the minute they stop making noise
you know they’re getting into something.

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Most people are willing to accept
good advice gracefully
— as long as it doesn’t interfere with their plans.

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Broad-mindedness:
High-mindedness,
flattened by experience.

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If only all the things that could go
without saying did.

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Some people don’t know what good clean fun is.
Others don’t know what good it is, either.

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The reason man’s best friend is a dog
is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

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The best way to cut your wisdom teeth
is to bite off more than you can chew.

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It’s not fair:
A banker can write a lousy poem,
but just let a poet try to write a bad check.

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Money may talk,
but who can keep it long enough
to begin a conversation?

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It’s hard to hear opportunity knocking
when temptation is tearing down
the side of the house.

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Opportunist:
Someone who, seeing the country go to the dogs, invests in dog food.

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Credit is what keeps you from knowing
how far past “broke” you are.

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If you’re going to sing your own praises,
just make sure you can carry a tune.

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IRS: The government program
to handicap the hired.

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They used to call lingerie “unmentionables.”
Now they’re wearing nothing at all
to speak of.

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A bore is someone who,
when passing by,
you wish would.

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Some critics say television is called a medium because it isn’t rare
and it isn’t well done.

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You’re not crazy if you talk to yourself
… only if you listen.

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You can get a lot of credit for horse sense
just by bridling your tongue.

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Doctors say that breathing through your nose
is much better for your health.
That way you keep your mouth shut.

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Show me a man who can eat, drink, and be merry and I’ll show you a fat, grinning drunk.

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Why is it that the minute you have money to burn you meet your match?

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Health experts say
we should have our meats lean, but they never say which way.

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We all need to get something
off our chests occasionally.
Usually it’s our chins.

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Duty:
A job you try to avoid, do a lousy job of,
and then brag about forever.

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A critic is a fellow who goes along
for deride.

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They call money cold cash
because it’s never in your pocket long enough
to get warm.

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A successful person believes that anything
worth doing is worth doing for money.

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Cherish today. There’s only one.

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Diplomat:
Someone who thinks twice
before saying nothing.

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Show me somebody with a clear conscience
and I’ll show you somebody with a lousy memory.

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Opportunist:
Someone who finds himself in hot water
and decides to take a bath.

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Attention teenagers:
If you are tired of being hassled
by unreasonable parents,
now is the time for action.
Leave home and pay your own way
while you still know everything!

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Politics is the art
of making yourself popular
with people by giving them
grants out of their own money.

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Some people wait so long
for their ship to come in
that their pier collapses.

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Ego:
That quality that lets a person who is in a rut think he’s in the groove.

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Show me a man with both feet on the ground,
and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants on.

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The reason that lightning doesn’t strike twice
in the same place is because
that place is gone.

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The problem with being punctual is
that everybody thinks
you have nothing better to do.

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Once we talked about our problems
over coffee and cigarettes.
Now they are the problems.

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Genius:
A crackpot before he hits the jackpot.

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One disadvantage of modern transportation
is that there is no such thing
as a distant relative anymore.

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The only job where you can start
at the top is digging a hole.

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If you sleep like a baby at night,
then you don’t have one.

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Liberal:
Someone who might be conservative
if only he could afford it.

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Just when you think you can read someone
like a book you find out it’s an edited edition.

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Love quickens all the senses
— except the common.

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You’re only young once,
but if you did it right, once is enough.

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Temperamental:
Easy glum, easy glow.

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Show me someone who claims
they have an open mind
and I’ll show you someone
whose mind should be closed for repairs.

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Beware of those
who fall at your feet
… they may be reaching
for the edge of the rug.

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Many young folks leave home
to set the world on fire,
and many come back for more matches.

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Do you think it’s a coincidence
that man’s best friend can’t talk?

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An optimist
lets his son use the new car on a date.
A pessimist doesn’t.
A cynic is someone who did.

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The person who usually complains
about how the ball bounces
is usually the person who just dropped it.

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You’ve got to say one thing
for modern transportation:
at least we’re getting nowhere faster.

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Adam may have had his troubles,
but he never had to listen to Eve
talk about the other man
she could have married.

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Living on a budget
is the same as living
beyond your means,
except you have a record of it.

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Money may be the root of all evil,
but most of us just want to
shake the branches a little.

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Others will not care how much you know
until they know how much you care.

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The trouble with the school of experience is
there are no vacations.

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Love:
The irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.

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Brainstorm:
That’s when you have an idea
that’s all wet.

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Ingenious
— showing or calling for intelligence.
Clever. Ingenuity.
Ingenuous
— showing innocent or childlike simplicity.

Tips For A Happy Marriage

● Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant for good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

● We sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in California.

● I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

● I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time,” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

● When we go to the shopping mall, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

● My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because she thought there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She said, “In the lake.”

● Before you take the leap into matrimony, remember this: marriage is the number one cause of divorce. In fact, statistically
100 percent of all divorces start with marriage.

● As for myself, I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

● I haven’t spoken to my wife in almost a year. I don’t like to interrupt her.

● I’ll admit the last fuss we had was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I answered, “Dust.”

Top Signs That You’ve Bought
A Cheap Car

● Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.

● The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

● The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.

● The rear-view mirror says, “Objects in mirror are better than this piece of junk.”

● The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.

● Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you’re taking.

● The sticker on the windshield says, “Batteries not included.”

● You fill up the tank with unleaded coals.

● You can only go to restaurants that offer valet pushing.

● When you pass hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

Top Ten Signs Your Co-Worker
Is A Computer Hacker

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

  9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.

  8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

  7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.

  6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

  5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net.”

  4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

  3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among hobbies.

  2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

  1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-As-In-Computer-Science!”

True Stories

A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three-year-old boy began in all seriousness: “Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do you know my name?” And another four-year-old prayed: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

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A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

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Newly assigned officers to a Naval Air Station are quite often “adopted” by a family. One such young officer, a Lieutenant Commander, kind of became an uncle to the family’s only four-year-old daughter. One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday school. She said she had learned all about the ten commanders, and that they were always broke.

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This same little girl was told to draw her conception of the Hebrews’ flight from Egypt. She came home with a picture of an airplane, the passengers all with halos and one person up front without one. When asked about it, she explained, “Oh, that’s Pontius, the pilot.”

Turbulent Times

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night.

A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, “You’re a man of God. Can’t you do something about this?”

He replied, “Sorry, I can’t. I’m in sales, not management.”

Two Irish Nuns

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “What part did you get?”

Two Kinds Of People

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

Types Of Undergarments

A man walked into the ladies’ department of a Macy’s and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquired the man. “There is more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. “Even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras,” she replied.

Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”
Still confused, the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”

The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.”

Undercover Clergy

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.” As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”

Up For Grabs

Three ministers are talking over lunch and before long find themselves discussing how much of the weekly offering is appropriate to keep and how much to give to the Lord.

The first minister says, “I just draw a line on the floor, put one foot on both sides, and throw the money into the air. Whatever lands on the right side of the line is God’s and whatever lands on the left is mine.”

The second minister notes that he uses a similar method, but “I use a small coffee table when I throw the money in the air and whatever lands on the table goes to the Lord and whatever lands on the floor is mine.”

They both contemplate each other’s answer and finally turn to the third minister who is sitting there without saying anything. “Well, how do you do it?” asks the first to the third.

“Well, I do as you both do and throw the money into the air, but I figure whatever the Lord wants, he’ll grab, and I keep whatever hits the floor.”

Vive La France

The only seat available on the train from London to Paris was directly adjacent to a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman, and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, “Ma’am, please move your dog. I need that seat.”

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my little FiFi is using that seat, No?”

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The American didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, “You know, Sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

Voted Women’s Favorite Email
Of The Year

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord! I go to work every day and put in eight hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 pm and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 pm he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.

Walking The Dog

“Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” a little girl asked.

“No, I don’t think so. Fifi is in heat,” replied the mother.

“What does that mean?” asked the child.

Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the mother said, “Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you.”

Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, “Bring Fifi over here.”

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear-end with it. “Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once.”

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash.

“Where is Fifi?” her father asked.

“She should be here in a minute,” advised the daughter. “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.”

Welcome At Church?

Three couples — one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed — wanted to join a church.

The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replied, “No problem at all, Father.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it.”

“Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the priest.

The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“No, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

“What happened?” inquired the priest.

“My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,” said the young man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

“You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the priest.

“We know,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

Weird News Headlines

● Man run over by freight train dies [The Los Angeles Times]

● Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men [The Sunday Oregonian]

● Man shoots neighbor with machete [The Miami Herald]

● Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons [Cedar Rapids Gazette]

● How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart [Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera]

● Fish lurk in streams [Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle]

Wellness Tips

Wellness tips we can learn from a dog:

 

● Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

● Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

● When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

● Take naps and stretch before rising.

● Run, romp and play daily.

● Be loyal, never pretend to be something you’re not.

● If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

● Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

● When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close and nuzzle them gently.

● Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

● Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

● On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

● When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

● No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing or pout; run right back and make friends.

● Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

What All Those Acronyms
Really Mean

● ISDN — It Still Does Nothing

● APPLE — Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

● IBM — I Blame Microsoft

● DEC — Do Expect Cuts

● CA — Constant Acquisitions

● CD-ROM — Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

● OS/2 — Obsolete Soon, Too.

● SCSI — System Can’t See It

● DOS — Defunct Operating System

● BASIC — Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control

● WWW — World Wide Wait

● MACINTOSH — Most Applications Crash; If Not, The OS Hangs

What Do We Do It All For?

Something to think about.

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

“Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life.”

The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City. From there you can direct your huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions.”

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”

Think about it!

What Does Love Mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

 

● When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.
— Rebecca, age 8

● When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know your name is safe in their mouth.
— Billy, age 4

● Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.
— Karl, age 5

● Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.
— Chrissy, age 6

● Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.
— Terri, age 4

● Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay.
— Danny, age 7

● Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.
— Emily, age 8

● Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
— Bobby, age 7

● If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.”
— Nikka, age 6

● There are two kinds of love. Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.
— Jenny, age 8

● Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, and then he wears it everyday.
— Noelle, age 7

● Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.
— Tommy, age 6

● During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.
— Cindy, age 8

● My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.
— Clare, age 6

● Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.
— Elaine, age 5

● Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.
— Chris, age 7

● Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.
— Mary Ann, age 4

● I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.
— Lauren, age 4

● When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.
— Karen, age 7

● Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.
— Mark, age 6

● You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.
— Jessica, age 8

 

And the final one:

 

● Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, “Nothing, I just helped him cry.”

What Is A Personal Computer?

We offer two stimulating definitions:

 

Definition I:

A personal computer is a general-purpose digital computer with relatively high computing power whose central processor, internal storage and various control units are constructed utilizing the latest technology and on the basis of the packaging concept in the form of circuit boards, all of which simply slide into a cabinet of relatively small size and, hence, are available at relatively low cost.

Definition II:

A computer, identified as a machine, is called a personal computer if it excites the imagination of the opposite party, identified as man or user, in the prospects of greatly receded physical coverage of its more important parts, made obvious by the absence of overbearing physical dimensions without suffering a corresponding loss of abilities to do what it is expected to do and great satisfaction obtained by man from engaging in interface with the party of the first part at bargain prices.

What Is An American?

Pretty cool definition and how nice that an Aussie wrote it!

You probably missed it, but there was actually a report that someone in Pakistan had published in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed an American, any American.

So an Australian dentist wrote the following to let everyone know what an American is, so they would know when they found one.

An American is English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or Greek. An American may also be Canadian, Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese, Australian, Iranian, Asian, or Arab, or Pakistani, or Afghan. An American may also be a Cherokee, Osage, Blackfoot, Navaho, Apache, or one of the many other tribes known as native Americans.

An American is Christian, or he could be Jewish, or Buddhist, or Muslim.

In fact, there are more Muslims in America than in Afghanistan. The only difference is that in America they are free to worship as each of them chooses. An American is also free to believe in no religion. For that he will answer only to God, not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the government and for God.

An American is from the most prosperous land in the history of the world.

The root of that prosperity can be found in the Declaration of Independence, which recognizes the God given right of each man and woman to the pursuit of happiness.

An American is generous. Americans have helped out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need.

When Afghanistan was overrun by the Soviet army 20 years ago, Americans came with arms and supplies to enable the people to win back their country. As of the morning of September 11, Americans had given more than any other nation to the poor in Afghanistan.

Americans welcome the best, the best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best athletes. But they also welcome the least.

The national symbol of America, The Statue of Liberty, welcomes your tired and your poor, the wretched refuse of your teeming shores, the homeless, tempest tossed. These in fact are the people who built America. Some of them were working in the Twin Towers the morning of September 11, earning a better life for their families. I’ve been told that the World Trade Center victims were from at least 30 other countries, cultures, and first languages, including those that aided and abetted the terrorists.

So you can try to kill an American if you must. Hitler did. So did General Tojo, and Stalin, and Mao Tse-Tung, and every bloodthirsty tyrant in the history of the world. But, in doing so you would just be killing yourself. Because Americans are not a particular people from a particular place.

They are the embodiment of the human spirit of freedom. Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, is an American.

What Is “Old?”

● “OLD” IS WHEN your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “pick one, I can’t do both.”

● “OLD” IS WHEN your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.

● “OLD” IS WHEN a sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

● “OLD” IS WHEN going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

● “OLD” IS WHEN you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.

● “OLD” IS WHEN you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

● “OLD” IS WHEN “getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.

● “OLD” IS WHEN “getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.

● “OLD” IS WHEN an “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee.

What Is The Sex Of Your Computer?

The computer’s sex is masculine, female members of society assert with the following arguments:

● In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

● They have a lot of data, but they are still clueless.

● Most of the time, they are the problem.

● As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

 

The computer’s sex is feminine, male members of society assert with the following arguments:

● No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

● The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

● Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

● As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories.

What It Means To Be Poor

One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”

“It was great, Dad.”

“Did you see how poor people can be?” the father asked.

“Oh Yeah” said the son.

“So what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us; they have friends to protect them.”

With this the boy’s father was speechless.

Then his son added, “Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are.”

 

Too many times we forget what we have and concentrate on what we don’t have. What is one person’s worthless object is another’s prized possession. It is all based on one’s perspective. Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for all the bounty we have, instead of worrying about wanting more.

Take joy in all you have, especially your friends. Pass this message on.

Life is not measured by the breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.

What Really Matters

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end. There will be no more sunrises, no days, no hours or minutes. All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance. It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear. So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will all expire. The wins and tosses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won’t matter where you came from, or on what side of the tracks you lived.

It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant. Your gender, skin color, ethnicity will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought, but what you built; not what you got, but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success, but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned, but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage and sacrifice that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence, but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.

What will matter is not your memories, but the memories of those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.

It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

What Shall We Live By?

In spite of seemingly irreconcilable differences between the peoples of the world today, one thread of universal Truth persists. Within it lies our hope of unifying all humanity in spiritual brotherhood. Its message is the simple message of love, proclaimed for over 5,000 years by the prophets of all faiths. It stands today as the Golden Rule in all of the ten living religions of the world.

 

● Buddhism
In five ways should a clansman minister to his friends and familiars — by generosity, courtesy and benevolence, by treating them as he treats himself, and by being as good as his word.

● Christianity
All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.

● Confucianism
Do not unto others what you would not they should do unto you.

● Hebraism
What is hurtful to yourself, do not do to your fellow man.

● Hinduism
Do not to others which if done to thee, would cause thee pain.

● Jainism
In happiness and suffering, in joy and grief, we should regard all creatures as we regard our own self.

● Mohammedanism
No one of you is a believer until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself.

● Sikhism
As thou deemest thyself so deem others. Then shalt thou become a partner in heaven.

● Taoism
Regard your neighbor’s gain as your own gain and regard your neighbor’s loss as your own loss.

● Zoroastrianism
That nature only is good when it shall not do unto another whatever is not good for its own self.

 

“Love thy neighbor as thyself.”

 

This is the Golden Rule of life, which all people know, but too few practice. We deceive ourselves when we boast about our understanding and are unable to prove that we possess any. But when we accept this Truth as our rule to live by, then shall we witness the establishment on earth of the true brotherhood of man, under the guidance of the Fatherhood of God.

What To Say To Telemarketers

● If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

● If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Alternately, you can tell them, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died.” When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

● If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

● This works great if you are male:
Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company.”
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

● Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

● Say “No” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

● If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends. Would you be my friend?”

● If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”

● After the telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

● Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company; they often can’t sell to employees.

What’s In A Name
Adopted By Marriage?

● If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

● If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

● If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

● If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

● If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

● If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

● If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

● If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

● If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

● If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she’d be Tuesday March 3.

● If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

● If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

● How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

● If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

● Nog (Related to Quark on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

● If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

● If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

● If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

White Man Dumb

An old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the US government officials sent to interview him.

“Chief Two Eagles,” one official began, “you have observed the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done.” The Chief nodded that it was so.

The official continued, “Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?”

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and calmly replied: “When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night making love to women.”

The chief leaned back and smiled, “white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.”

Who Is Perfect?

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving their car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer: The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep reading.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

Who Says Cops Don’t Have
A Sense Of Humor?

● “The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

● “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

● “So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

● “Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

● “Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

● “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

● “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

● “Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”

● “In God we trust, all others are suspects.”

● “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

● “Just how big were those two beers?”

Women’s Profound Sayings

● If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free you either married it or gave birth to it.

● Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

● One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

● The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

● The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.

● The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

● I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my panty-hose on fire.

● Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

● Skinny people irritate me, especially when they say things like, “You know, sometimes I just forget to eat.” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name, and my keys. But I’ve never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

● A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn’t really care.

● The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing … and then they marry him.

● I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

● I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

● If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

Words To Live By

● You cannot always control your circumstances. But you can control your own thoughts. There is nothing either good or bad, only your thinking makes it so.

● If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

● A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

● Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

● For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

● He who hesitates is probably right.

● Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

● No one is listening until you make a mistake.

● Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

● The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

● The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

● The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

● To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

● To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

● Two wrongs are only the beginning.

● Two wrongs do not make a right, but four rights don’t get you anywhere.

● You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

● The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

● Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

● The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

● A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

● If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.

● Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

● Don’t sweat petty things or pet sweaty things.

● A fool and his money are soon partying.

● Money can’t buy love. But it can rent a very close imitation.

● Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

● Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it.

● If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

● How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.

● Attempt to get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade.

Words Of Wisdom

Instructions for life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:

 

● Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

● When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

● Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.

● Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

● Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

● Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

● When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

● Spend some time alone every day.

● Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

● Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

● Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

● A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

● In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

● Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

● Be gentle with the earth.

● Once a year, go some place you’ve never been before.

● Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

● Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

● Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Words To Ponder

● Life is just a phase you’re going through. You’ll get over it.

● My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

● It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

● For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

● Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

● If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

● Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

● A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

● Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of he waist change places.

● Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

● Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

● There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

● Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

● Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

● Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

● By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

● Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

● Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

● I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

● Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

● I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

● Lord, if I can’t be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

● My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.

● Discover Wildlife! Have Kids!

● “Genuine Antique Person.” Been there, done that, can’t remember.

● Our policy is to always blame the computer.

● Take my advice; I’m not using it.

● I love to give homemade gifts. Umm, which one of the kids would you like?

● By the time you find greener pastures, you can’t climb the fence.

● I quit jogging for health reasons. My thighs rubbed together so much it caught my underwear on fire.

Wrong Email Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, he sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I’ve Arrived

Date: 8 Jan 2004

Message: I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is hot down here!

You Know You Are A Mom When …

● Your feet stick to the kitchen floor and you don’t care.

● When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone’s bleeding.

● You can’t find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

● You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

● Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

● Popsicles become a food staple.

● Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

● Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

● You’re willing to kiss your child’s boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

● Your baby’s pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her, after you suck the dirt off it because you’re too busy to wash it off.

● Your kids make jokes about flatulence, burping, pooping, etc. and you think it’s funny.

● You’re so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and he hangs up on you.

● Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

● You’re up each night until 10 vacuuming, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons, folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, not you), plus swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, roller balding, basketball, football, catch,
bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, plus raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog. You get up at 5:30 am and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet you still managed to gain 10 pounds.

● In your bathroom there is toothpaste on the light fixtures, water all over the floor, a dog drinking out of the toilet and body hair
forming a union to protest unsafe working conditions.

● You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

● The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispies bars.

You Know You Are In Trouble When …

● You get winded from exercising your right to vote.

● When you go to McDonald’s, they give you your usual table.

● The roaches in your apartment go on rent strike until you fix the rat problem.

● The VD clinic has you on a Buy One Get One Free program.

● Your blood type is “Smirnoff.”

● Your speed dial includes The Mayo Clinic, Betty Ford Center, and Psychic Friends Network.

● 911 has you on their speed dial.

You Know You Need A New Car
When …

● You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

● You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

● You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

● The Blue Book lists your car under “Health Risk.”

● The only thing holding your bumper on is the “Bush/Quayle ’88” sticker.

● You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

● Evel Kneivel refuses a free lift.

● The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

You Know You Have Been Living
In Switzerland Too Long When …

● You think it’s economically wasteful to have more than one brand of a product in a store.

● You think getting up early is good.

● You actually get interested in the local elections.

● You expect the shop clerk to say goodbye after you purchase something.

● You try to defend cartel-based economics to a visitor.

● You think that plaid jackets with flowery ties don’t look that bad.

● You wonder why anyone would want to shop outside of working hours.

● You think it’s okay to drive extremely slowly on Sundays.

● You feel like you’re broke if you have less than 300 Swiss franks in your pocket.

● You dress up to go grocery shopping.

● You understand why Chinese food should cost more than normal food.

● You prefer Swiss wine.

● You wish that your town had expensive garbage bags too.

● You think it’s okay for a Chinese restaurant to be run by a Swiss and staffed by Spaniards and Portuguese.

● You think Thursday night shopping is really convenient.

● You think that large American cars are cool.

● You think it’s cool to drink expensive imported American beers.

● You prefer fizzy mineral water to tap water.

● You throw a party and expect everyone to leave by 11:30 pm.

● You clean up during parties.

● You expect dinner guests to help with the cleaning up.

● You begin to understand the subtlety of the Swiss cuisine.

● You appreciate the differences between the cantons.

● You feel really hungry if you don’t start eating lunch by 12:00.

● You have breakfast cereal for dinner.

● You don’t mind paying 20 Swiss franks for a paperback book.

● You think that PTT approved telephones are better.

● You buy a new one instead of getting it repaired.

● You think that 2% unemployment is high.

● You think it was through its own efforts that Switzerland stayed out of World War II.

● You consider getting goats and sheep to graze in your backyard.

● You only eat fondue in winter.

● You complain to your neighbor about the noise when he flushes his toilet after 10 pm.

● You become interested in the myriad of insurance offerings.

● You become concerned about the color of your neighbor’s curtains.

● You put Aromat on all your food.

● You worry about getting a cold when there’s a draft.

● You become offended when reading this.

You Need A Laugh Today

● My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

● I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

● I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

● Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

● I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

● Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

● You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

● Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

● Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

● I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.

● Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

● Nyquil — the stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

● The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

● God must love stupid people; he made so many.

● The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

● It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

● I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

● Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

● Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

● Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

You Need A New Lawyer When …

● During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

● He tells you that his last good case was a “Budweiser.”

● When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

● He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”

● During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

● He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”

● A prison guard is shaving your head.

● Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.

● He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

● He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.

● He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”

● He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

● Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”

● Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

● The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 pm.”

● Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”

● He giggles every time he hears the word “briefs.”

You’re From Up North When …

● You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.

● You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

● You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

● You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.

● You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

● You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.

● Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

● You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only eight buttons.

● You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

● The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

● The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

● Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.

● You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.

● You head south to go to your cottage.

● You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.

● You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

● The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo; it’s sausage making.

● You find -40C a little chilly.

● The trunk of your car doubles as a deep-freeze.

● You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.

● You can play road hockey on skates.

● You know four seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter and Construction.

● The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

● You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.

● You perk up when you hear the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada.”

● You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Canadian friends.

Life is mostly froth and bubble,
Two things stand like stone,
Kindness in another’s trouble,
Courage in your own.
Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-1870)
Australian Poet

About The Author

Heinz Dinter was born into the evil world of Fascism two years before the worst of human suffering ignited — World War II; grew up under the clutches of Communism; then, as immigrant to the Free World and Democracy, raised his family and pursued his career as head of the computer company he founded, driven by dreams of a happy family and the challenges of Capitalism.

And then he crashed — burned out and not up to dealing with avarice.

On his way back he stood up to the misdeeds of those who give free enterprise a bad name. They set out employing agents who thrive in their self-serving, unprofessional pursuits. With conspiratorial élan vital they tried to teach him a lesson for publishing their misdeeds. He withstood and bounced back.

Today he builds on memories and experiences — sharing and enjoying life with friends.

The author does not want his twin children, Diane and Kenneth, and five grandchildren, Devin, Megan, Alexander, Dustin and Richard, to experience that kind of confrontational and litigious lifestyle. They deserve better. Much better. That’s reason enough for this book. And he lets it be fun.

Dr. Dinter received his B.S. in mathematics, M.A. in management, and Ph.D. in business administration and corporate finance from the University of Florida.

He’s an avid pilot and enjoys sailing and playing tennis in Miami, Florida.

But he does miss Lolita, Heidi, Kitty and her brood.

Begin Weekly Updates

A Philosophy On Life

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.

What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

● You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old-age home.

● You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.

● You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.

● You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

● You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.

● You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating … you finish off as an orgasm.

 

It’s perfect!

Beautiful Women’s Month

● Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.

● Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.

● Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister. (Mom, I can’t go to school looking like this!)

● Age 20: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” — but decides she’s going out anyway.

● Age 30: She looks at herself and sees “too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly” — but decides she doesn’t have time to fix it, so she’s going out anyway.

● Age 40: She looks at herself and sees “clean” and goes out anyway.

● Age 50: She looks at herself and sees “I am” and goes wherever she wants to go.

● Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can’t even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.

● Age 70: She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.

● Age 80: Doesn’t bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

 

Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends. Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier. Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women’s Month. If you do, something good will happen: you will boost another woman’s self esteem.

You Have Two Choices

People always say how mean kids can be, never how nice they can be.

This story will either make you cry, give you cold chills or just leave you cold, but it puts life into perspective!

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the school’s students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all that attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.

“Everything God does is done with perfection. Yet, my son Shay cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is God’s plan reflected in my son?” The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued.

“I believe,” the father answered, “that when God brings a child like Shay into the world an opportunity to realize the Divine Plan presents itself and it comes in the way people treat that child.”

Then, he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, “Do you think they will let me play?”

Shay’s father knew that the boys would not want him on their team. But the father understood that if his son were allowed to play it would give him much-needed sense of belonging. Shay’s father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, “We are losing by six runs, and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning.”

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. At the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield. Although no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands.

In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base. Shay was scheduled to be the next at-bat. Would the team actually let Shay bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.

Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball.

However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact.

The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.

The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman.

Everyone started yelling, “Shay, run to first, run to first.” Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, “Run to second, run to second!” By the time Shay was rounding first base, the right fielder had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for a tag. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher’s intentions had been, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman’s head. Shay ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home.

As Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, “Run to third!” As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, “Shay run home!” Shay ran home, stepped on home plate and was cheered as the hero for hitting a “grand slam” and winning the game for his team.

“That day,” said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, “the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of the Divine Plan into this world.”

 

And now, a footnote to the story: We all send thousands of jokes through email without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages regarding life choices, people think twice about sharing. The crude, vulgar and sometimes the obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of decency is too often suppressed in school and the workplace.

If you are thinking about forwarding this message, you are probably thinking about which people on your address list aren’t the “appropriate” ones to receive this type of message.

The person who sent this to me believes that we can all make a difference.

We all have dozens of opportunities a day to help realize God’s plan. So many seemingly trivial interactions between people present us with a choice; do we pass along a spark of the Divine-love that God gives to us every day? Or do we pass up that opportunity and leave the world a bit colder in the process?

You have two choices now:

1. Ignore what you have just read.

2. Forward it to the people you care about.

You know the choice the contributor of this message and I made.

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