Meet the By Ruthie with Dr. Michael |
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Scenario Number 5 You have been thinking of Scenario #4 and the anxious one. You realized that he was trying to be a “bad boy,” hoping to snag some victim that is attracted to that type. Many women are and even you find that style a bit titillating. However, you see him as trying to say, “Look at me what a daredevil I am! I am not afraid to trespass on conservative values. If you want a real maverick, a tough guy, I’m your man.” As you tried to imagine a long-term relationship with him, it occurred to you that once married you might become the authoritative force he is rebelling against. His poorly contained frustration and inability to handle conflicts would only be worsened by using substances to ease his anxiety. Rather than learn empathy, consideration of others and other adult skills, he would remain crippled and childish, never to progress, never to grow up. In a way it’s like physical weight training: if each time you have to lift a heavy object, you call over a genie to do it for you, you get older but not stronger physically. Mentally — it’s the same. You are not thinking that anxiety-reducing substances, legal or illegal are “bad” — you are simply thinking that if used to avoid growing up, it is just not advisable. Just like calling for the genie regarding physical tasks. And if your life is intertwined with someone like that, life may get more miserable with time. So why get started?
In the next situation you have been invited by a girlfriend for an informal social gathering of her friends and their friends. One of the invitees brought one of his own long term friends, a short, congenial, talkative guy in his late ’30s, retired who starts the conversation by saying that he just came from a girlfriend’s house and quipped “I had to leave her to join my friends; I hate to eat and run” (A sexual allusion). Do you ask what he meant? Why he didn’t bring her? How does he know his invited friend? Is he from out-of-town or local? What business is he retired from? DISCUSSION His remark startled you. At first you didn’t know what to make of it. It was meant to be a sexual prowess statement, you think. As you pondered over this, several ideas surfaced. You know that, although there are many different ways of conceptualizing the usual manner of courtship, there is one model you may find useful. That is, that there are 10 steps to courtship, each party progressing gingerly from one to the next while waiting for the other person to reach the same stage. Then after having some stability at the first stage without discord, both parties carefully and slowly move together to the second. Although time factors vary, the process is always the same. When they both reach the tenth stage the relationship is consummated. In this case, this fellow is jumping to stage five wherein the contact with you has barely reached the first step. What does that mean? It seems to you to be somewhat intrusive, he doesn’t know anything about you, has no knowledge of what your values are, not caring how it might affect or offend you, a mark of bad judgment. So, now that you have been learning how to handle those with bad judgment what do you do? An individual’s quality of judgment is all pervasive, meaning that whatever they do that deficiency in handling everyday issues appears. Do not think that the comment only applies to that particular content — no, it is everywhere. Do not excuse it as a mistake. If you do, then you might consider that you are in the habit of lying to yourself whenever you mess up. If so, then you can never learn anything. Life is just a bundle of mysteriously appearing “mistakes” having no connection with the real personality of the perpetrator. Politicians are notorious at that — “I accidentally went into a well known homosexual men’s rest room and I accidentally asked a police officer to engage in sex with me for $20; and I accidentally got caught; all just an innocent mistake. Just a mistake! I’m not gay”. The issue here is often being honest with others. However, more egregious are the lies we tell ourselves. So you turn and walk to the other end of the room to avoid this creep entirely.
The above situation is a courtship event. In other situations, when you discover that the other person has very bad judgment, do exactly what the woman at the bar did. Move away! Don’t explain or complain. They have been identified, face reality, grieve your fantasies and continue with your life. It will only get better. A few little stories on the theme of bad judgment This is a great day for France! — U. S. President Richard Nixon, while attending Charles de Gaulle’s funeral.
I usually take a two-hour nap, from one to four. — Yogi Berra, explaining what he does before night games.
I don’t know, I’m not in shape yet. — Yogi Berra, when asked his cap size.
The statement by President Nixon is truly remarkable. The French loved De Gaulle; they were in deep and profound grief. Imagine, if you will, in America out in the country. Mama dies, the 11 brothers and sisters are all contemplating suicide, and the orator says, “This is a great day for the xyz family.” The orator is then dumped in the grave and covered up with gusto. One might imagine that Nixon borrowed the speech that was used when the Germans left France.
Next is Scenario #6.
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