Meet the By Ruthie with Dr. Michael |
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Scenario Number 9 You are still at the same east-coast party, wandering around, listening and observing carefully. You are like a professional mole, drinking only water or a diet drink to keep your senses acute. A guy approaches you and the discussion gets more than superficial as you prompt a deeper investigation. So you ask this fellow what his tastes are like in music. He says “The Rolling Stones,” so you persist to question more in detail. You ask if he ever has seen them at a concert. He replies that he just came back from California where he saw them only last week. Again you proceed to ask for more information “What was the venue?” He says, “San Francisco Stadium.” That sounds weird to you as you had lived in that city for a year and never heard of it. As you continue to dig by saying that you never heard of that arena, he smoothly responds that it was just built recently. You are convinced he is a liar. Right there and then, without the slightest hesitation, you take your cell phone and call a dear friend who works in the Frisco music business to check this out. She says the Stones are not on tour, not in Frisco, and that stadium name does not exist. You tell your friend to repeat this as you put the phone to this fellow’s ear. He can’t help but hear your Frisco friend’s report. He bellows that you are the rudest woman he ever met in his life and he marches away. (Clearly, the word “rude” without details is always meaningless). DISCUSSION You are proud of yourself and think of all the time you saved by becoming more conversational, more investigative and not afraid to confront others.
The above situation is a courtship event. In other situations, when you discover that the other person is dishonest, do exactly what the woman here did. Move away. Don’t explain or complain. They have been identified, face reality, grieve your fantasies and continue with your life. It will only get better. A few short stories to emphasize that we all like Statements of drivers following auto accidents:
To avoid a collision, I ran into the other car.
The car had to turn sharper than was necessary owing to an invisible truck.
I blew my horn, but it would not work as it had been stolen.
A wife says to her husband; “Since I am older, I’ve gotten really ugly. “ Husband replies, “Yes, but your eyesight has improved.” Scenario #9 above deals with honesty, a complex topic.
Ability to adapt is one of the greatest strengths a person can have. If someone states that they want to murder Mr. XYZ and that is you, lying may be appropriate. Otherwise, an adult is honest. Some of those who lie do so out of fear of others’ disapproval of some exposed trait. However, perhaps it is they who feel that way and you are thinking that others have the same vision. Often others are more accepting than you are. Being honest can be used for other purposes: If you tell a 99 year old woman her face is wrinkled, that may be mean to her; if you tell a 12 foot man with a spear that he’s ugly that may be self-torture. If someone who is fat looks at you longingly and asks, “Am I fat?” it might be better to deal with the underlying reality and say, “If you don’t want the answer, you shouldn’t ask the question.” If someone asks you to lie for them to someone else, that puts pressure on you which is not considerate of your feelings. It could be appropriate to confess that you never lie and instead help them to try to understand why it seems necessary to be false.
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