Meet the By Ruthie with Dr. Michael |
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Scenario Number 10 Three months after that party, you are walking in the park and see a vaguely familiar face. He was the invitee who brought along the crude one in Scenario #5 and was also mentioned in Scenario #6. He is alone, you start a conversation saying that you had seen him at a party and he was with his girlfriend. He relates that she left town to get a job in another country, that he was sad they had broken up as she no longer wanted to get married and have children, reversing her original position. As you began conversing with him, you saw he is a very special individual, single, unattached, nice looking, about the right age, and had all the required features including a terrific sense of humor and an ability to show vulnerability. You had a coffee, chatted and laughed. Your focus was not upon various childish criteria such as similar interests, but rather on his set of values and his character. Differences are discussed with compromises made or an agreement that there are varying views on everything. You know that the most important issue is how good the process of relating is, how it runs. Is he basically upbeat without negativity or complaining? Does he listen, show interest in you, how together there is a robust involvement without any of the nefarious deal breaker issues observed in the previous scenarios? You remain vigilant as you know that the process of selection is the most important area of the dating,
The above situation is a courtship event. In that situation, when you discover that the other person is apparently just fine and thus a possible candidate, do exactly what the woman here did. Move in. Don’t wait or obsess. Continue to gather more information. Reveal your interest. Show your emotions. In other situations, stick with people who have desirable qualities. Tell them you want to be their friend, get together for a lunch or coffee, etc. Get their phone number, cell number, email address. Your life may only get better. As more info is found you may see that your original thoughts were incorrect. Not much is lost. On the other hand, at least a possible good opportunity is discovered. A few short stories to emphasize that we all like Statements of drivers following auto accidents:
I thought the side window was down, but it was up, as I found when I put my head through it.
A cow wandered into my car. I was afterwards informed that the cow was half-witted.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house, and collided with a tree I haven’t got.
I left my car unattended for a minute, when by accident or design, it ran away.
I ran into a shop window and sustained injuries to my wife.
Other statements people have made Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.
Can’t work in a pharmacy because the bottles won’t fit into the typewriter.
Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months and the box said “2 to 4 years.”
Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.
Couldn’t call 911 because there is no 11 on any phone button.
Burnt her nose bobbing for French fries.
Can’t make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won’t fit into those little packets.
A good relationship involves helping out each other. Thinking of the other’s needs requires knowing what they are all about. A popular TV comedy program uses this type of question to pick fun of individual’s knowledge of their partner’s desires or habits. If someone is upset, anxious or angry it is often best to take a helpful attitude toward their distress rather than a defensive one. Asking a question to ascertain what exactly is underlying their thoughts can aid them to discover what the issue is. Every example is different, but just to portray a possible situation: imagine one party demands that you hurry up to go to a particular event — you are in no hurry; responding that they are an idiot, etc. — only leads to more irritation; asking why they are in a hurry when there is really more time, perhaps they think they are supposed to be the first to an informal party when they simply are unaware that it is generally more fashionable to be a little late, perhaps they are misinformed as to the exact time of an event, etc. Asking the question is part of teamwork to help the other person as they wander through life and results in an improvement in the relationship as an indication of good process. How to deal with “stupid” people and difficult situations: Never raise your voice. You automatically lose all your power if you do. Speak softly as if you were talking to your lover, whispering sweet nothings in their ear. Only talk to those in authority. For example: The restaurant waiter brings you cold food. You ask for the manager. You explain that you are on her side, that you want this establishment to be better as you like coming here. If you have been there before, point out that you are a good and loyal customer. Remind her that most people simply would never return, but not you. Clarify that you want the situation improved or not charged. If the manager argues with you or shows doubt, remind her that her job is to have the customer return regularly, not save $10 on an entrée and not have the place badmouthed thereby losing many more customers. If there’s no satisfaction ask for the address and telephone number of the corporate office, or the mall leasing office. Call the corporate office with the same attitude — you want to help them as you would a friend. If necessary send a letter to the company, your Senator and local House Representative, with copies to the store, the manager and the waitress. If you genuinely feel helplessness, sadness and tearfulness never hold them back. Use the same attitudes with work persons, professionals, their staffs, etc. Find out to whom you might relay your dissatisfaction that would give whoever mistreated you or wasted your time the greatest stress. Don’t hold back that you know this. Above all speak softly. Practice it if you must. If not, you are lost before you begin.
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